Are Some People Not Made For This World?

[WesternSky]

I was thinking about something my mother said to me recently. She told me that she was surprised that I was still here. She was always worried that I would die young, as a child. No reason – I wasn’t sick or reckless or in danger. Apparently I was too good a person – a little light that she was convinced would be taken away.

It occurred to me that that young people, especially children, are always described as little angels and beautiful souls who leave our lives sooner than they should but who have a wonderful effect on people while they are alive. They are almost perfect role models for how to be good human beings – full of love and life and laughter, and they bring this glow to everyone around them, like stars that burn so bright they light up the world. I should have been pleased to have my mother tell me I was a light in their life. But the words somehow seemed horrible to me.

Then I had a painful realization about the fate of these lights. Because they are so sensitive and empathetic and loving, they are completely open to the world, and that is what will break them. Either they are taken away and leave their light in the memories of people who love them, or they live to have their light snuffed out by the darkness of the world, leaving a shell behind.

I remember the child I was. I believed in the inherent goodness of others. I believed in the triumph of love over all things. I believed in unconditional forgiveness. And I truly didn’t understand how anyone could hate. It was just something beyond my comprehension. When others hurt, I hurt for them. I cared too much. It was something I couldn’t turn off. And it began to overwhelm me.

Now I wonder whether I was made to withstand the world at all, or if it was inevitable. Other people survive so many terrible things with incredible resilience. I crumbled in the face of daily life, long before PTSD ever occurred. Maybe that's why I developed it so easily. I was already depressed and broken. It was just the final reminder that the world is full of pain and horror and there's nothing I can do about it.

I lost that light and with it most of myself. It was often painful to live with so much feeling all the time but it was who I was, it was a part of me that I would give anything to have back. I feel I will never be whole. And this is not the legacy I wanted to leave. I think back to my mother and I wish she had never said those words to me. I've been turning them over in my head for weeks. I didn't know why they hurt so much, but I think it's because I wish she had been right.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

There's nothing wrong with sensitivity, even extreme sensitivity, maybe you did not mean for your writing to seem poetic, but to me it had that effect. Please share your light with others who can appreciate it and it will brighten again.

 

[Britt.f7]

Western Sky, it is hard, but good that your mother told you that. She obviously loves you for who you are, broken or not. My mother always tried to "toughen" me up. She wanted to harden me. I can tell you, that really never happened. What did happen is that I grew up thinking I wasn't good enough or that I was weak.
I remember seeing a movie in my twenties. It was a horrible movie about hate and racism and I could not see how people could be that way. I felt that I needed to die, because I could not take the horror of this world. The horror I wish had gone away. I'm in my 40's now. I still hurt seeing this suffering. I feel helpless. I think a little differently now. I think the sensitivity is a blessing. I think I am tough and that being tough doesn't mean I should feel less. Sure there are plenty of times when I wish I did not hurt so much. I try to remind myself what being like this has brought me. The positive things. The insights. I still wish I could fix the world, but, just maybe, in my own corner is enough.

The world needs people like you to help balance out the evil that exists. Right now you may feel that you have lost a part of you, but you can gain it back. It may not be as pure and innocent as it once was, but it will have matured and it can still be very good.

The one thing about life is that it is constantly changing. It has to to help us grow. If it didn't we would all be stuck in our own horrors. I have to have hope. I want to get beyond what I now feel. It won't be the same as it once was, but that doesn't mean that it can't be better.

 

[Loner]

I don't believe in fate or destiny or anything else. You are made to withstand whatever you decide you are going to withstand. I struggle to thrive very much if at all really, but I do know that there is not much in life that could break me.

 

[goingonhope]

Then I had a painful realization about the fate of these lights. Because they are so sensitive and empathetic and loving, they are completely open to the world, and that is what will break them. Either they are taken away and leave their light in the memories of people who love them, or they live to have their light snuffed out by the darkness of the world, leaving a shell behind.

Well written WesternSky.

I've too have had this realization and more and more, I now wish that I could've died pre-horrified, of living "to have my light snuffed out by the darkness of the world".

I also can now far more appreciate memory loss and hold it to a higher acceptable standard.