Relationship Why Did He Push Away?

[Renee5624]

Wow, I needed to read this thread! It is starting to make sense more and more. I've heard my husband say these same words. He can't pinpoint the anger, the pushing away, and I think that my need to express how his behavior was affecting me actually brought us a few steps back in some cases. Where I am unleashing my "stuff", it's adding to his. I'm so glad that you all have expressed how you process the feelings. I wonder if some times I get so caught up in doing, and being results-driven, that I need to just be still and be quiet for a minute. Maybe it's not that he doesn't know how I feel, maybe it's because he knows?

 

[mrod]

Hmmm, I've read that many of these guys don't "feel" anything, or go numb. Is this true in most cases.

 

[Dallas]

I don't want to chase him around either

The most important thing I've done, and it's kept me sane, and brought us closer in our relationship-is to pretty much remain focused on my OWN life. Stop worrying about if/when/ he will/won't call/text/email. It will drive you insane and you have absolutely no control over these things.

The only thing that will give you peace is to concentrate on your own life and making that the best life possible, whether or not he is in it. If he calls-great. If he doesn't-there is nothing you can do about it.

The more I adopt this attitude, then the more I see him, the more I hear from him, and the closer we get in our relationship.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

Hmmm, I've read that many of these guys don't "feel" anything, or go numb.

If anything, the exact opposite is true. They have TOO MANY feelings, or may feel them too intensely. I think it's hard for them to process everything. My guy is very open, emotional, and discusses exactly how he feels. It's when he becomes overwhelmed with these feelings, he might want to be by himself for awhile.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[mrod]

Thank you! It's really draining and tiring trying to read his mind or figure out what he's thinking and I'm just going to let him do his thing. I have to keep living my life and I've let alot slip trying to accomodate him during, and out,of his deployment. How long do they usually keep to themselves when they go through this?

 

[kabeh394]

I'm independent as well, the "maintaining my own life" part is killing me, I feel abandoned, unable to trust, disinterested "numb" if you will. Reading this thread really hit home for me.

 

[Dallas]

How long do they usually keep to themselves when they go through this?

No way to tell. The longest my guy went was 3 or 4 weeks. I assumed it was over and was going on with my life. I was pleasantly surprised when he called.

"maintaining my own life" part is killing me

I've learned to do this from being in previous relationships...non-ptsd related. I think this is critical in all relationships, ptsd or not. Unfortunately I've learned the hard way what happens when the significant other becomes my sole focus in life. Not good. Not healthy. Al-anon on steroids. Co-dependents anonymous. Bad news.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Abstract]

Mrod,
I am sorry to say it but it can be for as long as the PTSD symptoms are problematic. Some peoples symptoms can settle quite quickly but others can pretty much be lifelong. If it is new and he gets treatment then I am sure that will help to figure out ways to best manage the relationship issues. There are plenty of people on here that still manage to have successful relationships though. Even if it is hard.

 

[christine12]

This thread was very informational and good to read I am glad that this subject and concerns were brought up; however sorry for mrod and the confusion that you are going throu. I know with the short time that I have known and dealt with the guy I am seeing it has been so confusing and at times frustrating because you just dont know what to do at times. Seems like your walking on egg shells all the time hoping you dont say the wrong thing or ask to many times whats wrong? or are you Ok? But I wish everyone in this Forum the best of luck and be blessed with patience and strength

 

[mrod]

Yes it is very confusing, and tiring. I did not want to give up on him but there's no use in chasing somebody who's already left.Who talks to me like I did something to him. I don't know him anymore. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd be in this position. I really don't know who this guy is. He is even trying to get his ex gf back who cheated on him while he was in basic. Really? I just feel stupid for everything I've done for him. Waiting on him to come home, trying to comfort him, make him feel at home. Staying up all night trying to find ways to help him out without over standing my boundaries, and have it end like this? I am just worn out.

 

[p-no]

don't take his mood personally, if he starts acting agitated

I don't agree to this (anymore). This is an important topic in my therapy currently and I have finally arrived here: If a person shows signs of agitation (or anger or or or), the he shows those signs. What I mean is, that supporters have a right in feeling what they feel in response to that. If my partner doesn't call when he said he would and never talks about it, neither that day nor another, then it is just normal that I feel hurt and that I will approach him about it. Often, I think, we think in terms of "right and wrong", but to me it's rather about "cause and effect". A cause will always have an effect. So, if in this case a partner with PTSD withdraws for a longer period of time and says he wants to be alone and takes actions with regard to an ex etc. then the effect on the other partner will naturally be hurt and their own withdrawal and feeling like a doormat (a heavily used one)! It is natural and normal for that partner to want to try to work things out, thus talk to their partner, try to get in touch. That is normal partnership stuff.

So, what I'm saying, mrod, is, that I have walked in similar shoes and that I do not think that you should keep being there and wait and ask if you can help but then please stay back and relax. That would be totally unnatural, and, my own experience, can have you end up in codependency in no time.

there's no use in chasing somebody who's already left

That is very true, and very sad. Yet it is less sad (in my view) than chasing someone for a long time and seeing them run away from you.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

As a Marine who lost a his GF after coming home from a deployment, let me just say that, i did care, i just couldn't get past the pain at first, and it took a very long time, and after I wanted to reach out and get my GF back it was too late.