Wanting To Hurt Myself The Way I Was Hurt During Trauma

[Abstract]

. It really is horrific. But this feels more like a deep part of me emerging, as if I've been forever changed by them. I have to hope I'm wrong.

I'm grateful to everyone for sharing about something so difficult. .

I relate Hashi. or me I hope not too (and fear it). There is a word I want to use for it but cant say. For you I really cannot believe that to be true. I too am grateful. Thanks for sharing about the article.

Much compassion to you.

 

[Hashi]

piratelady, I'm sorry you relate. It's very hard to find words... or to say them when we find them. :cry:

Abstract, thank you. I can't believe that's true of you either. Or any of us.

 

[JustBe]

I am still re reading this thread and finding insight. Thank you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

There's a psychological phenomenon where the abused person passes on the abusive behavior that was done. An example is a man that was beat as a child abuses his own children. I think, to a degree, it is a learned response, but it can be changed. I think the best ways of confronting it is by working toward high mental health and learning about what was done so you can have insight to not let it happen again or behave in that way.

 

[JustBe]

For me it's not that I repeat the behavior, rather that I ended up in abusive relationships.

 

[Hashi]

Thinkingman, what you say is very true. I see in myself the potential to be abusive to others, it's not just towards myself. And I agree that working on ourselves overall is the way to address these specifics.

I think the best ways of confronting it is by working toward high mental health...

I love this phrase you used. I want to have high mental health! *yearns*

 

[Hashi]

it's not that I repeat the behavior, rather that I ended up in abusive relationships.

Movin'On, I think this can be a kind of repetition but if so it's a complex one.

When I was younger I went from one violent situation to another, but I don't think that's because on some level I was seeking that out. In my case, I think it was more to do with the effects of my earlier experiences leaving me unable to protect myself from more violence. I was too dissociated and too lacking in life skills to be able to sense or react to risks. And I was targetted by people who understood this.

I'm sorry you've experienced abusive relationships. I'm glad you're healing now.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I tend to notice a correlation between depression and unwanted behaviors. That was the case for me. I may have acted in certain ways that I didn't want to, but those were options in that mental state. Since I've been on Prozac for about five weeks, I am continuing to get back in touch with older behaviors that were acceptable but darkened by depression. When I went through all of my trauma, I think that I threw in the towel even though I didn't want to. I've read that having a breakdown can be a healthy thing. It is a way of letting yourself know that something was wrong. With less depression comes the lower likelihood of reenacting abusive behaviors inflicted. I think it has to do with confidence and mood stability. When our previous behaviors or sense of who we were were threatened, it can be tough to get back in touch with ourselves. We can though... I think through time and learning.

 

[Hashi]

I've read that having a breakdown can be a healthy thing. It is a way of letting yourself know that something was wrong. With less depression comes the lower likelihood of reenacting abusive behaviors inflicted... When our previous behaviors or sense of who we were were threatened, it can be tough to get back in touch with ourselves. We can though... I think through time and learning.

I agree. In my case, through time, learning and a will that comes from desperation.

In transpersonal therapy a crisis is seen an opportunity for breakthrough and self-actualisation. While I've been in crisis these have seemed like that last things that were on the horizon, but I'm starting to see the truth of it now.

I think/hope these abusive thoughts are coming up because it's time to heal them and get beyond them.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think it might be a form of displacement. Maybe the behaviors were expressed as an internal anger from what had happened. I'm going to continue with Prozac. My approach is to get my mood elevated enough to where I can hopefully clearly see what happened to me in the past. The behaviors can be changed. We didn't have them before.

 

[Pencil]

I'm feeling abusive towards myself, and not in an indirect way like drinking but directly. It seems to be the things that were done to scare me into submission, and not other things. With me, everything seems to be about the fear in some way.

I wish it felt like processing but it doesn't. It feels like hatred and violence that I've internalised.

I really relate to this

 

[quaintpapercut]

Hi Hashi- words escape me at the moment but reading your post reminded me of something my T wrote in a report about me. He used the term repetition compulsion as one of the ways I had coped. This article speaks to it if you wanted to have a read:

http://www.sanctuaryweb.com/reenactment.php