Other Hypersexuality

[raven123]

I admit I'm hypersexual or oversexed. Whatever you call it. I know it comes from childhood sex abuse (rape at 3 and 1/2 years old), PTSD and my Bipolar. Since it is thought about often, well, constantly, I started writing erotica and found that was a better outlet than going a-whoring. I admit it is fun. That job will be good because I get to think about sex all the time and get paid for it. roflmao! And, I had a sex blog once upon a time that was huge with all the "how-to's" and advice. Nothing was taboo because I heard about almost everything. I just got bored with the blog.

I was reading just a little bit ago and found hypersex is just a coping mechanism. I agree and disagree. For me, it's a high. I love highs. Hey, I'm Bipolar. Highs are life. Extremes are better. I found we crave human bonds and the chemical that gives us that "high" is oxytocin (the bonding chemical sometimes called the love chemical). I also found sex abuse victims, in a study on trust, were found to produce a significant amount less of oxytocin. I've live on adrenaline, stress hormones (cortisol), dopamine, endorphins to get oxytocin because I didn't have love as a kid and, more importantly, couldn't receive it even if I got it. Mom loved me, but she chose my sperm donor over me and my brother is definitely her favorite. Kids notice those things.

Any sex (an orgasm actually) creates the same "high" (chemical reaction in the brain) as oxytocin does. That is where, as the bard would say, lies the rub. It is way easier for me to have sex with someone than to have a relationship. That is what they ultimately want, right? Hell if I know.

Anyone else have this problem? Since emotions are rare for me, I'm not sure I want a fix for hypersex to be honest. Just maybe control?

 

[raven123]

I guess nobody has this problem due to sex abuse or rape and PTSD?

 

[Shellbell]

I had childhood sexual abuse, was brought up by abusive parents and a step father who let me be abused by his friends and that followed by spending 4 years being raped daily in a total captivity severe abuse situation from 16-20 yrs old. After he went to prison, I had Bi-polar type behaviour and went out every weekend clubbing and picking up men all through my 20's. It was my 'high'. I lived on adrenalin highs, with many 'depressive lows' also. I didn't have relationships, I just had sex.

These behaviours are common after sexual abuse, particularly childhood sexual abuse, even without Bi-Polar.

Once I had children at 30, this behaviour completely stopped and reversed. Sex became difficult and alot less frequent. Since the severe PTSD started and having had flashbacks during sex, I now cannot even consider intimacy. Apparently this is all very normal for someone who had had considerable sexual abuse as well.

So, this can change. Being hypersexual doesn't necessarily last all your life.

 

[raven123]

Shellbell,

I'm 44 and it just gets stronger. I'm glad I found a way to profit of it by writing erotica. lol I've decided I want a relationship, romance and not just going around a-whoring. My 20s I did all kinds of stuff. My 30s was worse including going to orgies. But, I never meant anything to those I screwed except an orgasm. Do I have regrets? A few but not much. Hey, it wasn't me. It was what was done to me and I was looking for love in the wrong places. To me, love is making someone feel really good sexually. Sex makes me feel wanted temporarily. I admit, if I didn't have the flu, I'd be looking for some casual sex with an old booty buddy this week. It only makes me sad that sex is all that has ever been what people have wanted from me. :( I know how many women feel in that regard. Just a lay isn't fun.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Because of my child sexual abuse, sex was an activity for me. If I had sex with a guy I would usually drop him, since I would hate him after. I did have a few relationships...but they didn't work out.

 

[NarcSis]

I was reading in one of my handouts from therapy, coping strategies for anxiety / self soothing and masturbation was in the list.

I find it odd because, despite no sexual abuse history, I often turned to this stress relief method growing up - after my trauma I found I did turn to it more often to try to bring my stress levels back down. When it didn't work as well, I began to explore more sexually stimulating activities including online interactions and writing erotica.

I've never cheated on my husband (he's been my only partner) but I have seriously considered it to get some excitement back in my life.

Is this a common coping mechanism? I think so, we're all humans and we all do it for one reason or another. Attaching guilt and shame to it is judging - try not judging and simply accepting.

Embracing your sexuality can be very empowering.

 

[Rumors]

I had childhood sexual abuse, was brought up by abusive parents and a step father who let me be abused by his friends and that followed by spending 4 years being raped daily in a total captivity severe abuse situation from 16-20 yrs old. After he went to prison, I had Bi-polar type behaviour and went out every weekend clubbing and picking up men all through my 20's. It was my 'high'. I lived on adrenalin highs, with many 'depressive lows' also. I didn't have relationships, I just had sex.

These behaviours are common after sexual abuse, particularly childhood sexual abuse, even without Bi-Polar.

Once I had children at 30, this behaviour completely stopped and reversed. Sex became difficult and alot less frequent. Since the severe PTSD started and having had flashbacks during sex, I now cannot even consider intimacy. Apparently this is all very normal for someone who had had considerable sexual abuse as well.

So, this can change. Being hypersexual doesn't necessarily last all your life.

I feel like we may be the same person with a few exceptions. My abuse was different and my parents were different but my behavior following was EXACTLY the same!!! Kudos to you for identifying those effects and putting it into words!

 

[raven123]

Shell, I hope mine lasts till I'm dead. In fact, I hope I die during sex. Best way to go. Sorry you had the flashbacks. I fought through such things and they went away. Oral was a big thing with me. I just thought, that's not my perp. It's a different woman. I'm choosing to give this woman pleasure not being forced/coerced to so I have control and can make the decision to have fun and enjoy it.

Medic, I agree. Exercise is soothing and relaxing and coping, but sex (including masturbation) is way better. Sex, especially masturbation, actually makes me think more clearly because I don't think during sex. Talk to you husband. He might wish to do some of the erotica you write about. Role play is a great way to spice it up.

Monster, I understand. I still think you shouldn't give up on something we were given to have such pleasure. See my reply to Shellbell. :)

The biggest thing sex abuse did do for me was it removed any inhibitions or hangups I might have had otherwise. The only real benefit. I can and have discussed almost everything regarding sex. It takes a lot for me to be disgusted. Guess it was why I was so good at the sex advice blog I had. Someone could ask me almost anything and I wouldn't respond, are you f-ing crazee!

 

[Shellbell]

My take on this is different - I'm glad I'm not having sex with lots of people anymore. I think having lots of sex with lots of people is dangerous - I put myself in too many situations with people I didn't know who could have really hurt me. My behaviour in my 20's to me now, was wrong. I had no value for myself, or my body. No-one had treated me, or my body with dignity or respect, so I had no dignity or respect for myself or my body either. I let people treat my like a piece of meat and use me. For me now, that is not okay. I wish I had known this at 21.

I want to value my body now, and appreciate love in a commited relationship. I don't know if I will ever achieve this, but I won't go back to my previous behaviour. I see it was fuelled by negative associations from sexual abuse and I'm glad I can see this now and don't continue the abuse to myself that others started.

 

[Anna]

I have a very high sex drive too, 24/7. I manage to control it very well.

What disturbs me is that my trauma led to me almost dying and incredible damage to my body. Still, I have this urge for sex. It disturbs me a lot. I sometimes feel disgusted with myself.

I agree with what Shellbell says above. I used to be promiscuous. I cannot count the amount of people (men and women) I slept with on my fingers and toes. It is not something I am proud of.

I am glad I have the self respect and self worth now not to engage in this behaviour. It is just when under stress I have the urge not only to drink but also for risky sex.

It saddens me deeply. I wish I could be "fixed" but it is something you have to learn to control and live with.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Raven,

I am far from expert but I will say that you sound very much like you may have a sex addiction. Seriously I would look at it and consider it. There are 12 step programmes for it too. And yes apparently it is very linked to abuse and trauma sadly. Not only does sex addiction hide real feelings as all other addictions do but it interferes with being able to form healthy relationships and it can be extremely dangerous. Therapy apparently requires complete abstinence and treatment a year of it and that includes masturbation.

Hypersexuality can also be linked to manic states as I am sure you know. I know you arn't seeing a T but are you under a psychiatrists care for your bipolar? If you had zero sexual outlet for a month then what would happen do you think.

 

[raven123]

Hey, I go through periods with wanting lots of sex. I'm sure it is related to my mania and sex abuse at a young age. Until I find help with all the other shit that's wrong with me, I'm not gonna worry about it. Sex calms me down and been one of the very few decent things I've had in life. My though is if the real problems are fixed, ala not feeling much at all since 3 1/2 years old and not understanding emotions at all, the sex will fix itself. I'm at the point now where I really don't think "healing" is ever gonna happen much. It's too hard to find the help for it. Thanks.