Taking A Break

[99Phoenix99]

I keep getting cancer because of a gene mutation, which means that I am always in surveillance mode in order to (hopefully) catch the next round with cancer before it gets too out of control.

So I really do get how you're trying to come to terms with the realities of your own health issues....SO, I have to learn how to live with cancer, and that's the part where the mindfulness helps. But having cancer, that's just part of my dark story.

Thank you for sharing Lady Vet, it means a lot to me that you'd share something that personal with me.

As for my health issues... at 15 I had Shingles (reactivation of chicken pox) in my inner ear which caused nerve damage to my equilibrium. At the same time I had Bells Palsy (facial paralysis). It was a viral infection that tore through me. I had to relearn how to walk. And it left me with post viral fatigue as well as chronic pain from the nerve damage. It was only when I was about 19 that we found out that the virus had actually led to bone degeneration in my jaw as well. We found that out when out of no where I dislocated my jaw. For about 2 years I couldn't really talk (it hurt too much) and I could barely open my mouth. I had to drop out of college to have two jaw reconstruction surgeries. So that in conjuction with a weak immune system... a simple cold can exaccerbate everything and leave me incapacitated. Simpy being over tired can do that as well too.

So ... I'm trying to come to terms with this. That every time I get sick or have undue stress on my body I may be on bed rest for days. Like you said I'm always on surveillance mode so I can try to nip something in the bud. So ... when I told my T that I was worried about the next time something will happen to me... her telling me not to be so "Superstitious" by predicting the future really upset me.

I'm not trying to be a doomsday thinker I'm trying to be practical.

I don't know if there can really be anything to be said? Is there a point where a T can't do anything for you anymore? Can there be a point where it all boils down to me being able to accept my circumstances or to go back into denial?

I... have you found a way Lady Vet? To accept it and live with it, but yet still LIVE a fullfilling life? I'm breaching in and out of denial about all of my health issues. And I just DON'T KNOW how. I'm 22 and I feel like all this IS my story. Not just a partial plotline to my life. But the whole entirety of it.

 

[Hashi]

Is there a point where a T can't do anything for you anymore? Can there be a point where it all boils down to me being able to accept my circumstances or to go back into denial?

This is my personal opinion and experience. I've been at a point where a T could do something for me, but not the T I was seeing. This was not in any way a negative judgement of the T I was seeing, in fact in a way it was the opposite. She'd given me so much, there was nothing left for us to work on in that therapy relationship. More than anything, she had supported and helped me to move forward to a point where I was ready for something else.

I also saw a somatic therapist who helped me incredibly. Then there came a point where his direction wasn't my direction. It resonated when you wrote about your T advising you not to look ahead with a bleak outlook. This made me think of my somatic therapist rejecting my need to look at the darker side of things, because he believed that connecting to the positive was the only healing. Just this week in T, for the first time I raised the issue of this truly dark side that I need to look at and understand. Thankfully, my fairly-new T completely validated this. To be honest, she validated it so much I got a bit afraid myself, but I know that this is what I need now. It's my truth, and I can't gloss over it.

I'm not saying that your T isn't the right person for you to see. I couldn't possibly know that. I'd just suggest that when you go back you could talk to her about the kinds of things you're saying here. Having a break might help with that. This might then allow you to work together in the way you need at this point. It might not, but if that turned out to be the case, at least you'd both know that and could recognise the things that have been good in your time together.

When you talk about accepting your circumstances, I'm not sure what that represents for you. My issues are different, but for me it's about acknowledging the pain, loss and limitations. Then making peace with them. It's about seeing that I can't be certain things, and then seeing that I'm more than what I can't be. It's very difficult. I do think it's possible though, and I'm sending you every good wish.

 

[Lady Vet]

Phoenix...there are so many powerful things that you said in your post above. I can't imagine how your life has been hijacked by everything that's happened to you. It's unfair, but it has become your story, as you said. I think you are amazing and strong to deal with everything the way that you have. Of course you're going to have feelings about it...absolutely.

I'm 22 and I feel like all this IS my story. Not just a partial plotline to my life. But the whole entirety of it

I actually can relate very much to this. Not just with the cancer, but even more so with the PTSD. I have felt for a long time that I'm not even living my own life...it feels like my life has been hijacked by the PTSD, and I am a hostage to that hijacking...because it feels like my life story is all about the PTSD, and I really hate that. People tell me, "You need to move on!" How do you move on from yourself? There IS no moving on when who we are has been hijacked in some way...like me with the cancer & the PTSD...and the way your own life has been hijacked by all of the health issues that you're dealing with. It's hard to find bearings when we feel lost in the middle of a story we don't choose....but bearings we must find.

have you found a way Lady Vet? To accept it and live with it, but yet still LIVE a fullfilling life?

I read a book recently called "The Map of True Places." by Brunonia Barry. I couldn't stop reading the book, literally. I found it at the dollar store, but it was amazing. Anyway, the point of this story is about finding our bearings when our lives have been turned upside down by events outside and circumstances we can't control. And the metaphor used in the book was that of navigating by the stars (outside of the earth's reference) so that there is always a constant source of reference rather than the "local" weather that tosses us along the seas of change. And this is what I've tried to do to gain my bearings, to access the spiritual part of me, rather than focus on the physical damaged-PTSD/diseased-cancer parts of my story. It helps me to find those parts of my journey where I experience life in a larger way, and that's what I gravitate toward. . . . where I find beauty. . . .where I find joy. . . .where I find gratitude & appreciation, even when I am terrified and suffering, I seek to find my bearings beyond this truth.

I don't know if that helps you at all...but it is what helps me. Because my life story can't just be about cancer and PTSD, so I find the beauty where I can, and I latch on as if my life depends upon it. . . .because it does.

I'm not trying to be a doomsday thinker I'm trying to be practical.

And I get this. Perhaps many people don't, but I get it. People who don't understand the reality of what you live with will look at your behavior and scratch their head, because they can't understand why you do what you do, or think what you think. You KNOW what can set your world tumbling, and so you are proactive in protecting yourself. That's not doomsday thinking, that's proactively taking care of yourself. I get that. There is line where we've done what we possibly can to protect, and then we have to let go and trust the process of life, but moving through life in denial of the realities of your health issues is irresponsible on every level. So I applaud you for taking your health issues so seriously, and doing what you can to anticipate problems and lessen the degree of dysfunction they may infect your life with....lol.

So I don't know if my response helps to answer your question, but it's the answer that I have. Thank you, Phoenix, for responding to my post...there is so much information processed here, so it is a blessing to be heard and acknowledged. Blessings for you this day :)

 

[Lady Vet]

my somatic therapist rejecting my need to look at the darker side of things, because he believed that connecting to the positive was the only healing.

Phoenix....what Hashi says here is so true. And one of the limitations of therapy is just that....the personal beliefs of the T will "limit" what they can help us with. That's not a bad thing...but when we intuitively feel the need to do something or explore something that a particular T keeps trying to divert us from, then that is not ging to be the person who can help us to look at that issue or process. Trusting our own instincts is SO important in the healing journey.

This thread has such great process : I am really loving what everyone is saying and contributing!

 

[Britt.f7]

I'm not trying to be negative I'm trying to come to terms with that fact

It was recommended to me a long time ago to find a therapist that was familiar with chronic illnesses. When I finally felt ready to see a therapist(I should have started sooner), I made sure she understood chronic illness. I knew I needed help in dealing with it. I was functioning but I wanted to learn to live without the guilt, have understanding for myself and limitations, and go forward. My illnesses aren't going any place and they will ebb and flow. It took me a long time to reach out.

Perhaps that is what you need. I agree, if you continue to see this therapist, that you should share this posting, or at least the things you said. I did that with a blog of mine when I didn't think the therapists were understanding my social isolation issues. By having them read that blog, they were able to understand what I was having difficulty in getting across.

Phoenix, I'm on a break that I didn't entirely choose, tomorrow will be three weeks. I do think that we all need breathers from time to time. I'm thinking that this breather is going to give me a chance to review my options. I had been having doubts about my therapist, nice lady that she is. It sounds like you will get the chance to do the same. You are doing what is right for you. This is a very good thing.

I wish you deep thought and a resolution that suits your needs.

that's me living with the plot of a story that I didn't choose

I really like what you are saying here. It really fits into what has happened to me that has been out of my control health wise. Thank you for saying this. It strikes a chord. Just might have to use this quote. ;)

 

[Sailorgal]

Britt makes a great suggestion. Therapist is just that - a therapist, not miracle worker. They work with a challenging and evolving situation in the great unknown. True, they should tey their best to understand, but the human brain is complex. It takes a highly skilled T with experience in such traumas to help.

You're just at another curve in the track... :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

Its funny because I emailed my T and said I wanted a break. I missed 2 appts then he missed 2 and I get all messed up when that happens. I see him twice a week. I don't know if I feel badly because of my abandonment issues or should I say, my attachment issues or if I just need a break. I have been told that I should work through this in therapy with my T, but it seems that all I ever think about is therapy. I have been trying to be mindful, and busy, but it comes down to feeling like crap.

By taking a break from therapy, I don't know if I am running away or getting some distance. After reading this I decided to push through and work it out with my T. I will talk about my feelings towards him and therapy. Its hard to be mindful, but it does help a lot with pain. I'm glad I read this thread today, it convinced me that I was just at the bottom of my spiral and I need to mindfully work harder, and not expect my T to know what I need without telling him.

I don't mean to make this about me, but I wanted to show the other side too, that maybe a break is not what is needed, but a discussion of your feelings about therapy with your therapist. Feel free to disgard this if it doesn't feel true for you, I just find it is harder to go back and discuss my feelings when I wait to do it.

 

[Hashi]

When I finally felt ready to see a therapist(I should have started sooner), I made sure she understood chronic illness. I knew I needed help in dealing with it.

That makes a lot of sense.

I realise that my T is experienced working with people who have serious or terminal illness, and with the bereaved. I know this is different from having a chronic condition, and it's different from my own situation. But what transfers across is that she's able to sit with people who are processing and finding their way through darkness and despair. She can listen and give support without needing to try to change people's outlook.

Something which is especially necessary for me is that in T I can work on life being meaningful with the circumstances that I have, rather than trying to overcome them or overcome my feelings about them. I'm only just beginning to work on this, but I do have hope that it's possible. This was the main thing I was looking for when I was searching for a T - someone who could help me accept my situation and find connection, meaning and purpose.

 

[Britt.f7]

That's all very poignant, Hashi. Gives me something to think about too. Though my therapist has MS and, so, realizes what I deal with(not MS, but something similar), I thought I would hear some ideas on surviving and make the best of it. My illnesses aren't going anywhere so I want to learn how to do more then cope. Right now, she offers understanding but no suggestions. I wish she would have suggestions with how to deal with it.

I think the connection you have with your T is great. It isn't always easy to find that sort of connection. I know I don't have that connection with my therapist. I wish I did.

I missed 2 appts then he missed 2

That just happened to me. I visit once a week. The first time she had no appts available. The next time, I messed up my schedule and didn't go. The third time, she cancelled and they don't know when she will be back. I'm kind of lost but it might be the perfect time to find a different therapist for me. I had been considering this long before the missed appointments.

I wish you well in your therapies. I think it is positive to know you were actually running. And I don't believe in telling your story you were making it about you. At least I didn't feel that way.

 

[Hashi]

I thought I would hear some ideas on surviving and make the best of it. My illnesses aren't going anywhere so I want to learn how to do more then cope. Right now, she offers understanding but no suggestions. I wish she would have suggestions with how to deal with it.

If you decide to talk to potential new Ts, maybe you could ask questions about this to see how they'd approach it and what they could offer you. I think my past disappointments in therapy have been helpful when trying to find someone who's a better fit.

I feel very blessed with my T, but it was a long hard search which included seeing someone for a while who turned out to be not the right fit, and having to face that and leave.

Particularly thinking about 99Pheonix99's posts here, I think it's definitely worth re-evaluating how things are with a current T and thinking about whether you could work together in a different way that will help you more. I think monster makes some very insightful points.

If you do need to find another, have hope that someone's out there for you. I believe they always are, however daunting it can be to look for them.

 

[Sailorgal]

Just to add what Hashi stated about finding another therapist, I'm sure others have "key questions" when they interview with a T to ensure it's an effective fit. You want to make sure they meet your requirements. A checklist or guideline can help you stay focused vs your feelings ruling your decisions.

 

[Tinyflame]

For some reason I can't quote, but I really like what Lady Vet said about the book above metaphorically, that's how I feel too. And the hijacking, and the whole post.

I think it will be ok Phoenix, try not to go so hard on yourself :hug: