Relationship Bitterness And How To Be The Best I Can For Him

[blstrauc]

Hello,

I'm new here but I have been reading posts on here for quite awhile.

My boyfriend of around a year is a combat PTSD sufferer who has just started seeking help.

Some of the help was by choice (therapy/vitamins) and some of the help was forced (alcohol problems being tended to because of mistakes he made).

He does not work, he is in school but a very mild schedule and has trouble handling this situation.

How do I get over the fact that I bend over backwards to be there for him and let him know he's loved and he is very platonic towards me?

He's pretty open with me and no longer secludes himself from me, but I ask him for affection and most times he can't/won't.

I work a 50+hr workweek, every single week, and I am beginning to have trouble not being bitter towards him when he sits home all day, unable to get motivated to do anything. Now also due to a mistake by him and alcohol we are forced to alter our lives. It was a wakeup call for him, but it's hard for me to not feel anger for it ruining some things for us.

I probably sound awful, I don't know how else to state it.
He's an amazing man, the love of my life and I know he loves me very much. I just want to know how other people deal with this lack of motivation and absence of a normal loving relationship.

Thanks.

 

[amethist]

Hi blstrauc

The alcohol issues the lack of affection and all the other stuff that is probably all down to PTSD. Not an easy pill to swallow, but its true.

They sometimes cannot show love and affection because of how they feel about themselves. Its something you will have to understand if you want to carry on in a relationship with him. Its the good stress being as bad as the bad stress in the way it effects them too.

Right now he is probably struggling with all that is going on in his head, and you asking for affection when his head is in a mess wont help.

What you can do is be there for him, dont take things personally, as its not you that's putting him off, its the PTSD.

The depressive part of it is to blame too, intimacy being the first thing to go and one of the last to get back.

Read as much as you can and take notice of all the different sections explaining whats going on in a PTSD mind. Some of it may not be good reading, but it is honest and to the point.

Look after yourself as best you can for now, it not easy for us as well as them. Fight this together, and dont let it get you down.

 

[Dallas]

Hi Blstauc,

It is hard work and not much fun when you have to do all the work in the relationship. It tends to make you feel bitter and resentful, which isn't healthy, and contributes further detriment to the relationship. For now, I would concentrate on your own life and what you have to do. Take care of yourself, first. I would step back a bit, let him miss you a little, and let him put more of an effort into the relationship. If you are always there for him at his beck and call, he might take you for granted. Let him focus on his own healing, and school work. When he is feeling better, he will start reaching out to you more.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[blstrauc]

Thank you for your replies. I'm learning to appreciate the good when he can offer it and not pressure him when he can't.
It is indeed a tough pill to swallow when you feel unwanted. I'm trying to read as much as I can so I know the best ways to respond to any potential situation, I want him to feel as normal as he can, he doesn't deserve this burden.

It felt good to just get that post out there. I've been holding onto some anger and that's never a good thing.

I guess all we can do is try our best.

 

[Bella3]

B~

You described some of the same feelings I've felt for such a long time. I love my partner with all my heart, remain faithful to him and am there for him unconditionally for the past 2 and a half years. Yet, I find myself starting to feel unbearably lonely and as of a late, pretty bitter. Those feelings are unlike me. I feel perpetually sad.

I know he loves me very much, and is actively seeking therapy to work on his emotional issues. He is also a combat vet, and has also been through a whole lot in his personal life aside from the military.

Our issue, like yours, is the emotional armor. I don't understand why he would need to protect himself from the person who is protecting him. But since I don't really understand it, I decided to seek a therapist to help me see things more clearly and to support him and myself better.

I haven't seen him in over 2 weeks although we've spoken albeit sporadically. He still sounds committed to our future, but he's shutting me out. I'm giving him his space for now. Going to therapy to understand what he has and how I can cope with it is all that I have left to try.

My first therapy session was this morning, and I tell you that I came out of there more confused and angry than I was going in. The therapist said that supporting his PTSD was a secondary issue. That first, I had to decide if I wanted to remain in a relationship with someone who could remain emotionally unavailable. He said that my partner regulates the relationship "thermostat" by placing distance between us whenever he feels emotionally vulnerable.

I already knew going in that at some point, I have to decide that. What I am for now is to be patient, and to see where things go and if they progress now that we are both seeking therapy with a common goal.

Sometimes it feels as if the rest of the world thinks that we are putting ourselves in an obviously hurtful situation, and acting like martyrs. No one sets out to choose this type of loneliness. The sufferers don't, and their supporters don't. I just don't believe in giving up on true love that easily. I wouldn't want him to give up on me either. I'm trying to understand this as the illness that it is. At some point, I know that I'll have a choice to make.

It's just SO incredibly lonely.

I just wanted you to know that there are others out here who feel just as you do.

~Bella

 

[blstrauc]

In my case at least my boyfriend doesn't go into seclusion, not anymore.
I think I keep his life together sometimes so he wouldn't even be able to do this. But a lot of the time I have to accept a friendship type of relationship, I'm just glad lately he's been trusting me enough to not run away.

Romantic gestures are a thing of past relationships and something I have grown to not ever expect. I love him enough I've made the decision that I'm ok with this, but it is frustrating and I admit to sometimes being jealous of the relationships I see around me.

I'm just trying to forgive him for mistakes he's made that have made our life more difficult than it already was and I've vowed not to condone his behavior but also not to constantly remind him of his mistakes.

(Bella,
If you ever need anyone to talk or vent to, I'm a message away.)

 

[discarded]

Relationships and PTSD don't seem to be a good mix unless you can get past the bitterness and anger you feel from having your needs put aside. I struggle with this everyday. I got really angry toward my sufferer, mainly because he refuses to seek treatment, he feels I am the one causing his problems. In reality I am the one who knows why he is the way he is, I am the one who cares enough to notice his struggle and realise when it is time for help, I am the one who tries to get him to see this and so he resents me for it. Anyway, now I am the enemy to him, he shut me out of his life completely after 28 years together. Unfortunately until I found this forum I really didn't get PTSD and by then it was too late, the damage had been done to my marriage and he won't communicate with me to even try to fix it. I struggle with what is PTSD and what are his true feelings, he keeps me on a string because he won't say yes or no to officially ending our marriage. He wants space to work things out, but he isn't, he just drinks himself to sleep everyday.

Understanding the illness is the key, then working out if you are strong enough to live with it in your life. Some of us are, some aren't. I would just like the chance to find out if I am now that I understand it a lot better. Good luck!!

 

[Bella3]

<praying for you> <praying for all of us :) >

Time, Faith and love should put us in the right direction. <3

 

[PeekieBlue]

[quote="discarded, post: 474176,

Understanding the illness is the key, then working out if you are strong enough to live with it in your life. Some of us are, some aren't. I would just like the chance to find out if I am now that I understand it a lot better. Good luck!![/quote]
Hi discarded, I so agree with your quote above. My partner of three years has combat PTSD. He is currently embarking on therapy with combat stress and I'm supporting him fully. HOWEVER after thinking long and hard, I have been honest with him and told him that if the therapy does not help him to control his anger/ moods then we may not have a future. I am training to be a mental health nurse and my partner says I am going to struggle in the job as i am too sensitive!!! What he doesn't understand is as a job I will expect bad behaviour and will only endure it during my shifts. As a supporter if a PTSD sufferer we have to support them 24/7 with no breaks! At the end of the day I am hopeful the therapy is going to help him and me but I remain realistic and have admitted to myself, if there's no change then I am out of the relationship as I'm not prepared to lead my Life in an unhappy state of walking on eggshells all the time. Fingers crossed things work out for us :-)

 

[discarded]

Fingers crossed for you both. Therapy is a good start, something my husband refuses.

 

[PeekieBlue]

I'm sorry to hear your husband refuses to seek help. How long ago was he diagnosed with PTSD may I ask? Is it combat related or otherwise?

 

[discarded]

I'm sorry to hear your husband refuses to seek help. How long ago was he diagnosed with PTSD may I ask? Is it combat related or otherwise?

He was diagnosed with combat related PTSD about 7 years ago and has been seeing a psychiatrist once a month since then, he basically goes along tells him he is ok, gets a prescription for antidepressants that he takes sporadically so they really have little affect. He did see a counsellor for about 6 months initially but his counsellor left and he refused to see anyone else. He managed ok for a few years with lots of little ups and downs but toward the end of last year things started to crumble. The army decided that due to his mental health he was no longer fit to serve and started the process to discharge him. I could see his rapid downhill spiral into depression and isolation but nothing I did helped or was welcomed by him. His discharge finally became official in June and I left him in August as I could not take anymore and I was sinking also. I thought leaving might nudge him to get help and he did mention briefly when I left but 4 months down the track and he is still struggling along. I don't know what help if any he is getting. I worry about him everyday but I have to back off and leave him be and just hope for the best now.

I have had a really difficult year as well, losing my Mum in January, a major operation in July, premmy birth of my grandson in August and another minor op in November. I have done it all while trying to support him and getting nothing but abuse in return. I had to leave for my own health so that I am able to look after our 11 year old daughter who of course is living with me. Thanks for asking.