Newly Diagnosed Pressure To Feel Something...

[golden_flower]

New to the forums and I suppose after trying to search for an answer I'd just bite the bullet and share my experience... I was diagnosed with PTSD last week, I feel very confused about this and I just feel like I should be feeling something I'm not, I feel under pressure to be in a really bad place if that makes sense... Is it ok to have a good day? I felt yesterday when I saw the Therapist like I had to be on the brink of suicide everyday when he looked at my diary and it was like my mood wasn't low enough. I suffered with physical and sexually abuse as a child and again in a relationship in my early 20's and last year dealt with 3 family murders. I have felt suicidal for a long time and kind of just always pushed through it (good days/bad days), I know I'm not "normal" if you like but I just don't feel anything at all just complete numbness! I feel like a zombie fighting through everyday but I feel somehow now like the way I am feeling has been diagnosed that I'm supposed to be acting/feeling a certain way and I'm not sure what that is. Hope that makes some kind of sense to someone....

 

[saffy]

Hi Golden Flower

Firstly welcome to the forum. There is lot of information and support on here for you. You will find that you are not alone in this and others too have felt numbness.

I am glad you have finally got a diagnosis. But this is just a label really and nothing is written in stone about how one should feel or behave if suffering from PTSD. There are no hard rules.

Talking on here has already opened you up for further discussion and through this you will start to recognise thoughts and feelings and hopefully feel safe enough to share them.

Having lived with this for so long you might have naturally built self defences and safe behaviour to protect yourself from further harm. Sometimes this can be described as a wall or a mask or it can be dissociation or both.

Lots on here for you :)

Welcome again

Saffy :)

 

[golden_flower]

Thanks Saffy, I have found reading people's threads really helpful and I can't help wonder if I'm in denial, always thinking there's people worse off etc. and I couldn't help feeling that the diagnosis was ridiculous people have been through worse etc etc but once I started my trauma diary it really hit me how much I had put up with. I think I'll just discuss this with my T and get their opinion. I have also been advised to start taking anti-depressants and this is making me think how will I know how I feel when I'm taking meds to make me feel nothing?!

 

[JustBe]

Hi goldenflower,
I think I know just how you feel.

Welcome to the forum..

 

[TLight]

Welcome;
It's all very confusing isn't it? Feelings are very foreign to us since most of us shut down long ago to survive. When you start to become aware, the feelings are so very intense, that we either shut down again or the emotions become totally out of control. This part is called flooding and it's very difficult and unstoppable.

I have come to realize I've been dissociated for most of my life. Hence I don't know what I like and don't like, what I want to do with my life, nor how to feel about much of anything. A big challenge is just recognizing that we are feeling 'something' and try to let it flow over you and hopefully identify what feeling it is. When we've never had them, they seem like something very intense is taking control. I've been told to identify, accept, and try to ride it out. Very hard.

It's a long journey and it sucks, to say the least. I know I will likely always dissociate at times, will always deal with intense anxiety, and will always deal with trying to handle rage.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Hi golden_flower. Welcome to the forum. For me, the awareness that I had PTSD came after I quit denying my feelings. I think your therapist will have a certain expectation of what being well is. It will be individual for each person, but only you can be the judge if you are well again. Being numb is completely understandable. I lost my mother at 15 and my father at 17. Getting over the reality of it is something I still have to do. I think one thing PTSD sufferers may do is tend to blame themselves. I'm beginning to understand that it wasn't my fault. With perseverance and a logical approach, I think you will be able to find a balance. All the best.

 

[Cufflinks]

Welcome;
I have come to realize I've been dissociated for most of my life. Hence I don't know what I like and don't like, what I want to do with my life, nor how to feel about much of anything.

That rings so true for me also. I always put it down to being a Libra! I've made a stand when I shouldn't and have gone with the flow when I actually had an opinion I should have raised.

It's hard to get it right and something I am battling with.

 

[Cufflinks]

Is it ok to have a good day?

It most definitely is okay to have a good day. The trick is to hang on to that day and remember it when you have a bad one.

Some days I feel and act as if I didn't have PTSD then out of the blue something will happen and I'm emotional and just want to shut myself away.

I find that the friends I have who listen, understand and keep the "happy thoughts" going are the ones that help things subside.

 

[timid_flower]

Hi golden_flower, welcome to the forum.

What you are describing makes perfect sense. I'm sure a lot of us have felt the same way at one point or another. I know I definitely have. I actually think my first post would've sounded a lot like yours, had I joined this forum when I was first diagnosed. Maybe because we're both _flowers?!? :D

Anyway, back to your question. I think it's completely ok to have good days. Here's another theory though, perhaps we sometimes confuse the days we feel numb as good days. I think sometimes we make ourselves believe that If we're not feeling completely sad about what happened to us, it can't be affecting us that much.

I had the same idea you had when I started therapy. I would go in there and felt odd because I was sure my therapist was expecting me to be worse, to at least cry, or something. I wasn't sure what I thought she was expecting, but I was convinced I wasn't doing it.

I soon realized my problem wasn't the fact that I wasn't sad, angry or emotional enough. A big part of my problem was the numbness. I had shut down so much, I wasn't able to feel anything anymore. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't letting me process my trauma. I needed to work on that numbness, I needed to let myself feel.

Of course, we are all different. I'm sure you will start finding your way as you continue on your recovery journey. Just don't let other people's possible expectations define that process. As someone else said, nothing is written in stone about how one should feel or behave if suffering from PTSD.

Best wishes.

 

[golden_flower]

Hi timid_flower thanks so much for what made perfect sense to me, I said the exact same thing to my T, that I was scoring my mood at 5 because I neither felt angry and out of control or suicidal those days I just felt completely numb and disconnected from everyone and everything.

I have felt dreadful since seeing my T last Wednesday I feel like I'm going to explode with every emotion, he read out my trauma diary bearing in mind it was the first time I had even admitted these things had happened (I kept taking things out and putting them back in b/c I was so scared but thought if I can't be honest how will I ever get better), it was truly terrifying and I sat and wept the whole time he did it just wanting to scratch my skin off I felt about an inch tall. It's a strange sensation because now it has been said I feel like I need to get it out there I see my T for one hour a week and because of the holidays I won't see him again until 9th January, I'm taking this really badly because I'm opening up for the first time in my life but then I have to wrap the whole box of emotions and feelings back up and store it back inside me when it feels like a monster is building up inside me and wanting to get out, I have supressed so much for so long I can't stand it any longer. I'm so anxious about Christmas and New Year, these are bad times to start off with and well the alcohol, I drank to excess on Saturday and all the suicidal feelings are so bad when I'm intoxicated, I just feel well and truly trapped.

I am so scared to talk to anyone because of the media attention that surrounded one of my traumas I became so paranoid that everyone was press I refused to go back to counselling because I thought he was a reporter I was terrified and still am even after all this time, I sometimes feel this was about my T...

 

[timid_flower]

I completely understand what you mean golden_flower. Therapy was a strange experience for me at the beginning. I have always been very reserved and guarded. I have a lot of trust issues, it wasn't easy for me to open up. Yet, when I started therapy I started to really open up. Like you said, I think I was ready to let it all out. I had been keeping everything inside for so long, I desperately needed to talk about it.

After a few weeks, when I started making progress I noticed I was also much more open with my supporters. I remember telling my T, "I've kept this inside for so long. I've avoided talking about it as much as possible and now it seems that's all I want to talk about". But you know what, it was because talking helped. It was very emotionally draining and difficult at times, but it helped.

Of course, it's always a work in progress. I still struggle to open up. My first reaction has always been to keep everything bottled up. To not let others in because trusting others, especially with your painful secrets, is hard and exposes you to the possibility of getting hurt again. But I keep trying, because not talking at all was not the most healthy option.

Thankfully we have both found this forum. I've found everyone here to be very understanding and supportive. You can always come on here and talk to us, especially when you're having a really hard time :)

Best wishes.