I Don't Know How To Make My Parents Understand

[Lady Vet]

They kept saying they just don't understand and I don't know how to help them understand.

Ayesha...I, too, am sorry that you had to experience the traumatic events and now deal with family members who don't understand. I'm sorry that every single one of us in this forum has a reason to "seek refuge" here.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share my own experience with this issue, because that's all the wisdom I have.

I no longer believe that it is my responsibility to help anyone else understand, ever. This may not work for other people, but it's where I am right now, so it's working for me. My stance is this: If you love me, and genuinely care about supporting me, then you need to educate yourself about PTSD. I answer questions that people have, but I reject ignorance-driven negativity at every turn. And the people in my world who choose to heap their insensitive criticism on top of the wounds that I am working very hard to heal rather than educate themselves, then I do not allow them into my inner world. I acknowledge their presence, but that is all of the access I grant them. And I draw that very hard line because I have learned that I can't help someone else to understand, especially when they don't really want to know.

So, I don't have a lot of warm and fuzzy advice on this issue, as I have chosen to draw hard lines out of self preservation. Perhaps one day I will feel differently, but until then, I'm not wasting even one iota of my time on trying to help anyone else understand me, what I've gone through, or why I can't just "forgive and forget" so that I can "move on," even if it means that they are no longer a part of my life. That's me.

I understand that your family is very important to you, and that you want them to be a part of your life, so I really do hope that you find something that helps you to do so :)

Blessings for your journey!

 

[Abstract]

Ayesha,
My parenting made me susceptible to being targeted. Expecting empathy and understanding where it was never going to come from re injured me. So eventually I have found a balance. I have tried hard to share and be patient but then accepted what is never going to be possible and deal with them accordingly. What I share tends to be packaged in ways and terms that they are more likely to understand. I am realistic and it is a form of radical acceptance of who they are and what they can give.

You don't know what they are capable until you try of course. Good luck working out what is what for you and your unique family!

 

[Ayasha]

I no longer believe that it is my responsibility to help anyone else understand, ever.

Thank you, for that. It may not be the exact path I can take with my family but it helps to know that it is an option if I need it. The main reason I do not want to push my family away is because I have nieces and nephews whom I love more than anything in this world--they are why I am working so hard to get better because I want to be there for them like no one was there for me.

I think for now I'll meet them half-way by providing them with resources like the ones Abstract suggested (and I'll eventually ask about family counseling). It's going to be their choice, though, if they truly want to understand then I think it needs to be on my terms because that's how I will keep myself healthy.

 

[Lady Vet]

I think it needs to be on my terms because that's how I will keep myself healthy

Exactly! That is precisely the truest of truths. It absolutely needs to be on your terms. :)

I also understand about the nieces and nephews, as I also wanted to be there for them the way that NO one was there for me. But that was not to be my choice, unfortunately, as my brother refused to let me have any access to them whle they were growing up. But I can also tell you that once they turned 18, and my brother was no longer able to clamp them down, I have been able to develop the kind of relationships with them as young adults that I was denied when they were growing up. And it is wonderful. Now I am the one my nephew contacts when he needs to process through something challenging because he has told me that he can trust me with anything...and that's true. I guess what I'm saying is that relationships remain there for developing, even if it's on a different time schedule than what we may want as it's happening.

I love that you see that you need to walk your path based on your own terms. :) And I wish you much love and luck along the way. :)

 

[Lady Vet]

They kept saying they just don't understand and I don't know how to help them understand

Ayesha...upon further reflection, what I want to say is this: You are absolutely right when you say that you don't know how to help them understand. The hard truth is that not a single one of us knows how to help or make another person understand, especially when we are also trying to understand ourselves.

I think for now I'll meet them half-way

Having said that...since you are wanting to meet them half-way, then this would be my contribution to the suggestion pool: Stay grounded in the truth that you really don't know how to help them or make them understand....so don't try. Instead, help them to understand by listening to the questions that they have, by helping them to find the language to give voice to the actual questions that they have, and by giving them the best answer that you have to give (or are willing to give) to the questions that they have.

Because you are right...you can't make them understand. But maybe if you are able to help answer the questions that they have, maybe it will help them to listen better to what you would like for them to understand about you. :) And that seems like one way to meet them half-way :) Just my contribution to the pool of suggestions :)

 

[Abstract]

Hi Ayesha,
It's good to get different ideas isn't it! :)

I don't know really (((Lady Vet))). I totally understand where you are going with that and actually relate a lot to your present feelings about your situation. I just know too that I am very glad I tried hard to get them to listen and to educate them with some things (not ptsd I am afraid) as I had never shared anything in the past. And I also think the normal starting point for family is to not understand. Why would they when I didn't. :confused: The amount that anyone is able to understand or be supportive is different but I am glad I know and now it is up to me to put boundaries up and deal with that reality. I should probably do the PTSD thing too but can't face that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Ayesha you cannot control what they do, but you can set some boundries and limits on them. They may not like it at first and will kick and squirm, mabe. But eventually they will come around to your needs and meet them. This is all brand new to them and I think they want justice and are not considering your needs and feelings. I wish you the best with this problem.

 

[Ayasha]

Thanks you guys,

I'm loving all the different advice and support you guys are giving me and I appreciate it so much.

I think it would help my parents to understand my emotions if they knew the real me; as I've mentioned before, they have their strict ways when it comes to emotions and due to that I've always been rather withdrawn around them.

That isn't my true nature, I'm actually very expressive (well, what I consider to be very expressive) and kinda hyper. But because of their rules with emotions they have not gotten to see much of this side of me, I wish they could but the behavior is against what they've taught me to be.

They have their assumptions of who they think I am, but the truth is I've worn a 'mask' with them most of my life. I know it's silly, but I feel like they don't know me and it hurts me to feel like they will never know the real me.

I have been able to develop the kind of relationships with them as young adults that I was denied when they were growing up

I'm sorry you had to wait so long to develop relationships with them but I'm so happy you are able to be close to them now.

I was there when each of these kids were born and I am not lying when I say those kids are the reason I've stuck around (I think I WAS depressed at 16). I think my siblings have their theories or suspicions but they have not confronted me and more importantly they have not pushed me away. I don't think I could ever tell them my story but they seem to really love the real me (I refuse to wear the 'mask' around the kids, I want them to understand that emotions are a good thing and expressing them is important).

You guys are awesome, for sharing your advice and own stories.

:hug:

 

[timid_flower]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with your parents Ayesha. Dealing with family can be a challenge. I know this from experience.

When I first spoke up about the abuse I went through, the first reaction was to confront the abuser. That experience in itself still haunts me. I was not prepared for how it went, it was extremely painful and difficult. After that, all I got was doubt and/or denial from my family. Also very difficult. I could not deal with their reaction. I kind of shut down and went into denial myself, just to cope. Everyone ignored the whole thing ever happened, or at least we tried to.

When PTSD kicked in, I first tried to hide it from my family as I didn't know how they would react. After a while, it got really out of control and I could no longer hide it. They saw first hand how bad I was. That's when the guilt and pain of seeing me suffer kicked in for them. I know it was difficult for them, especially for my mom. She would cry with me, and apologized numerous times.

I felt very guilty for causing them pain. I worried and felt guilty about their pain and how it was affecting them. So I would try to comfort them and listened to what they thought was best for me. I know it came from a good place, they wanted me to get better, but it became too much.

When I got some strength from therapy, I finally had to talk to them. I explained to them that I really appreciated their concern and their help, but that this was no longer about them. It wasn't about how or why it happened, it wasn't about their reaction back then or now. It wasn't even about the abuser. This was now about me, I needed to work through this. They could no longer tell me what to do, not even my therapist did that. I needed to do what was best for me, without worrying about their expectations.

Things improved quite a bit after that. I think that talk made them see me differently. Deep down, I know they were worried that what I was going through was too much for me and they wanted to fix it as soon as possible. But, I didn't need them to fix anything or do things for me, I just needed their support so that I could find my own strength and the best way for me to heal.

Anyway, just sharing my story :) I hope things start to get better with your parents soon :hug:

 

[Ayasha]

Thank you, for sharing your story.

My parents are leaving me alone, for now. They are actually being much less nice to me, so maybe they listened when I told them to stop 'tip-toeing' around me; and they had been too nice lately.

It is my hope to gather that much strength, as you have. My therapist tells me I'm strong but that's an ongoing battle for me to finally see it (I'll get there, and once I see my strengths I'm not letting anyone take them).

I did fully realize after last night, that my parents are wrong about me. I hope one day they do get to know the real me, but I don't think they'd like her. I guess it doesn't matter if they like the real me or not, because I do; I really like who I have started to become since going to school.

You guys inspire me, thank you.

~ayasha

 

[Ayasha]

So, I thought I'd update on this because I am back at my "home" on campus. I spent the rest of break as the person they want me to be, I really tried to remain myself but it just didn't work.

I will be honest with my therapist when I see her, it does me more damage to try fighting them than it does to just let them control me. When I'm at school, I'll able to be myself. Right now, I'm letting those walls come back down so that once I am back in counseling I can face my problems again. I was making good progress and I'd like to continue doing so.

 

[Lady Vet]

it does me more damage to try fighting them than it does to just let them control me.

Ayasha...It's your life, and you know you best, but this just seems very powerful to me. As a spirit warrior it's hard for me to understand how having someone else control me does less damage than to fight for my right to be me. But as I said, it is your life, and you really do know you best.

And I'm very glad you're back in an environment where the true you can breathe again! :)