Knowing If You Are On The Right Path

[Thinkingman85]

I am confused regarding my confidence that I am on the right path. Every day, it's like there is a dualism. One part of me wants me to continue Prozac, therapy, and learning until I'm back to being well. The other part of me tells me that I am being lazy and there is nothing wrong with me. This part also tells me that I know what to do and I'm just not choosing to.

I prefer to follow a logical approach. However, I am usually right when it comes to things in my life that I don't want to happen. For example, I have a feeling that some people don't feel right around me anymore. Ironically, when I recheck my facebook page, the person has deleted me as a friend. I always feel like those people have an expectation that I once was able to fulfill, and now since I'm focusing on getting better, they do not see me the same way. This, in turn, leads to more guilt.

I wonder if there's any way if you can tell if you're on the right track. Some days I feel like it's a hopeless pursuit. Some days, I feel like I'm improving. Some times, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Most of the time, I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing and I can do something much better. Most days, I feel like I'm not living up to my potential. I hate this feeling of dissonance. I just want this type of suffering to end so I can get back on my feet. Oddly, I feel like I am keeping myself off of my feet.

 

[timid_flower]

Sorry thinkingman, I don't really have an answer. All I can say is, I think recovery is a process and sometimes it is slower than we would like. It's normal to have good and bad days, I think that's part of the process.

Last year I started medication and therapy. About a month into it, I remember telling my psychiatrist that I didn't think it was working at all. He told me that I had been struggling for years and I couldn't expect to get well in a month, and that he didn't have a magic wand he could wave and fix me immediately. Actually he couldn't fix me at all, even if he wanted to, there was no such thing. That maybe the progress wasn't as fast as I wanted it to be, but he could tell it was happening.

At the time, I thought he was an insensitive jerk. However, as I continued my therapy I understood what he meant. It is going to take time. I have a lot to work through, and it requires time and patience. But I have made progress and that's what counts. Of course, that is easier said than done. It is a daily struggle sometimes. I think sometimes my own expectations are too high and I have to constantly remind myself these things.

Then there's the issue of other people's expectations. Even when I've managed to convince myself that I am on a recovery journey, making progress and to be kind and patient with myself, I often feel guilty about disappointing others. This is very difficult, just yesterday I had an incident where this came up.

I have to then remember what my therapist, and the kind people on this forum say to me. This is not about others anymore. I cannot let other people's expectations dictate how my recovery progresses. Maybe they won't understand it, maybe they won't agree, maybe i won't fulfill their expectations, but so what. I don't really have control over that, I just have to keep doing my best in my healing process.

 

[timid_flower]

I'm sorry, I think i just kind of used your thread to workout my own current issues :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think in life people have up times and down times. I think that I'm just at a down time. People want to associate with me when I was at my up time and it's hard to reenact. The people that are with you through the seasons are true friends. What keeps me confident is acknowledging that I'm human. With being human can come frailty, but also can come immense overcoming. I don't think PTSD is going to define me. I think it is going to continue to be a catalyst for personal growth.

 

[timid_flower]

people want to associate with me when I was at my up time and it's hard to reenact.

Completely agree. I tried for so long to reenact it and pretend I was fine. It was exhausting and would leave me completely drained. I think that's part of the reason I now isolate so much. I don't have the energy to act like everything is ok, on top of everything else I'm dealing with as some people expect me to. That of course means very few true friends, but I'm ok with that.

 

[timid_flower]

Ironically, when I recheck my facebook page, the person has deleted me as a friend. I always feel like those people have an expectation that I once was able to fulfill, and now since I'm focusing on getting better, they do not see me the same way. This, in turn, leads to more guilt.

Was this recently? For some reason, I keep thinking about this today, so I wanted to ask. Hope you don't mind.

 

[Sailorgal]

Many people are that way, they only "want want want" and "take take take" so when it's YOUR turn, they are gone. You have to assess these "friends" and see if it's fair. Now, with PTSD....

It's hard for people but you know what, one day they will want people to accept them and understand. No, they don't have to be around your depression all the time, but they can't blame you as though it's intentional.

As for Prozac, it depends on what is actually affecting you. For some, once the trauma is dealt with, the depression is more manageable and medication not required. That is where you and your T work on that. Just make sure it's not a crutch. :)

 

[KatB]

Sailorgal, once it comes to medication, it can become an addiction or a crutch. Because of my over-analyzing and intellectual mind, I know the side-effects that medications can have and can sometimes make things worse than before. I believe and know that medication will/can save people stabilize their lives; it's evident with certain people. I am one of those whose mind is acknowledging that medication IS acceptable for those who need it to stabilize their lives. Anyways, long story short= it's a challenge for those in the faith community to accept something like this because they believe otherwise.

I also feel this way, ThinkingMan. I, right now, am in one of those deep/bad depression. Really rough patch in my life. I am faced with putting my brother through trial because of a domestic violence incident between us. Kids are involved here but also his probation violation. So, at the end, I feel VERY uncertain on how I know I am doing what's right or that I am on the right path...It's enough to make you exhausted. At this current stage in my life, I've/am seeing those who do care and those who don't. Sad but true.

 

[KatB]

Maybe it's because my family have always made me feel guilty for my decisions or because they questioned my choices, but somehow... it leaves me questioning my own motives. This, I know is certain.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Timid_flower, throughout the years, people have deleted me on Facebook. It's people that I suspect would. However, I'm surprised with others. I thought that I was actually cool with those people. It seems like those people want me to behave in a certain way and for some reason I behave differently. It might be part of getting older. However, I think a lot of it had to do just because I was depressed. Yes, it has happened recently.

Sailorgal, I think there is a stigma regarding depression. People tend to look down on people that can't manage depression. I think it has to do with the capitalist mindset. Personally, I don't care anymore because I want to live a life that I will enjoy. Regarding Prozac, I may have to continually be on it. Both of my parents are gone and it's hard to trust the rest of my family. Sometimes I think that my situation is just too bad to be able to function without the safety net of Prozac. I had a breakdown six years ago. I don't want to have another one.

The main thing that I'm glad about is that I'm feeling better. It's so complicated because I can't understand how it is happening in detail. I can understand some aspects and others are feeling like natural recovery. However, I'm accepting the feelings and moving forward. Hopefully, I continue.

 

[Sailorgal]

Tough situation Katb. Hugs!!!!!

 

[Thinkingman85]

Katb, I'd follow what you think is right.