Anxiety Symptoms...typical?

[Sailorgal]

There are times during the day where certain hurtful scenarios run through my mind and fill me with rage. However, at night, the same scenario (a person) causes me sooo much pain. I get anxiety attacks...and then I weep uncontrollably. After awhile, the tears suddenly stop, I almost forgot what I was thinking nonetheless crying about. My mind just shuts down. It's completely empty and I'm devoid of emotion. My head always hurts too. If I was around people, it's like I go mute, almost in a trance.

The scenario involved a girl that my ex bf saw for a bit (they were never intimately involved nor considered her his gf). She is best friend's with his best friend's wife. She tried to break us up at a friend's wedding in fronf of me and I went ballistic. I can't get over my hatred for her. (She didn't break us up)

I did this more and more frequently during our relationship, just dissociate for awhile. Usually sleep it over. Next morning all would all be ok. Always happens at night it seems, It's happening again.

It's the only painful memory that surfaces (post trauma) and the only true issue I had with my ex. At first it's rage, then sadness that he is gone.

My head feels soo exhausted like I haven't eaten in days and banged it against the wall. The weird feeling is the trance, almost an euphoric feeling.

Can anyone relate?

 

[quaintpapercut]

Hi Sailorgal - I've experienced the same thing but for me its a flashback.

I actually had a similar experience with my current partner. He had a friend with benefits scenario where there was supposedly clear boundaries on emotional involvement. If one or the other started dating someone, the arrangement would stop no hard feelings. Despite that arrangement and the clearly communicated boundaries she did not take it very well when we started seeing each other exclusively. Long story short, she was absolutely horrible to me and my boyfriend failed to see her actions towards me as hostile . Nor did he deal with or speak to her about the way she had/was treating me. He pretty much buried his head in the sand because he felt caught in the middle and didn't want to upset the balance in his social circle.

This deeply affected me on a number of levels. Looking at the scenario now, with a filter that finally understands that I have ptsd, I can see similarities to some of my past traumas. While my pride was hurt that I was treated badly and excluded, what really hit me on a visceral level was the feeling that I-

-could not trust my boyfriend to protect me
-that "abuse" could happen under his nose without him being aware (similar to my childhood), and
-that he kept refusing to acknowledge that it had even happened (similar to my childhood).

I really didn't give a rat's ass about the girl in this situation, it just brought up some really deep issues from childhood which at that time were deeply hidden away.

 

[Sailorgal]

"He pretty much buried his head in the sand because he felt caught in the middle and didn't want to upset the balance in his social circle."

That's exactly what he did too!

Eveything you wrote is spot on. Yeah it really added more hurt that he even talked to her the next day because she wanted to know if there was still a chance between them. My point was there was NO reason to entertain her and he only defended her saying she deserved to be heard and she is best friends (blah, blah, blah). And it rieally butns me I didn't smash her face in. Due to this, his friends didn't want me around at another function but she was there. He didn't see how hurt I was. He knew my trust issues and about his friends not caring what happened. He only defended them, never stood up to them.

Yeah it definitely brought up past hurts for me. It plays over and over in my mind even though we are broken up. I just can't stop when it hits me... :(

 

[quaintpapercut]

I'm sorry sailorgal - that's really crappy behaviour on his part. His refusal to see how it impacted you is just avoidance on his part, not to mention that by "entertaining" her request, he was not only treating you disrespectfully but allowing her to do so as well. I think the worst part of it is likely the fact that he seemed okay with that.

This guy and his circle of friends are not worth it. You deserve so much better. I'm assuming that your still going to want to date again. You may want to somehow find a way to examine your part in the dynamic, learn your lessons and allow that to be a vow to yourself to not allow someone to treat you like that again. Don't allow his treatment of you to actually determine your self worth (i.e., he treated me like crap, so I feel like crap and therefore must be crap). Recognize him for what he is.

I really feel for you. I know exactly how much your hurting over this because I've been there to :hug:.

 

[Sailorgal]

I'm sorry sailorgal - that's really crappy behaviour on his part. His refusal to see how it impacted you is just avoidance on his part, not to mention that by "entertaining" her request, he was not only treating you disrespectfully but allowing her to do so as well. I think the worst part of it is likely the fact that he seemed okay with that.

Thanks Quaintpapercut. This is what I told him. He did learn how devastating it was to me, especially with recent PTSD. He just didn't see it was that hurtful but he at least admitted it was wrong-FINALLY!

This guy and his circle of friends are not worth it. You deserve so much better. I'm assuming that your still going to want to date again. You may want to somehow find a way to examine your part in the dynamic, learn your lessons and allow that to be a vow to yourself to not allow someone to treat you like that again. Don't allow his treatment of you to actually determine your self worth (i.e., he treated me like crap, so I feel like crap and therefore must be crap). Recognize him for what he is.

I really feel for you. I know exactly how much your hurting over this because I've been there to :hug:.

Thanks for sharing and understanding. It was one of the huge stumblingblocks early on in our relationship. We did talk through things, although how he handled it with his friends wasn't 100% acceptable. But lessons learned.