a lot of this has was precipitated by a misunderstanding with a long term T I was seeing for eating disorders and a breakdown... Essentially I told her that I had self harmed and that I was suicidal. I had never told anyone anything like this in my life before. Even in therapy I would tell T's something after it was resolved or when it was over. She never believed me. It seems my “I am fine” veneer was so good that she could not consider I was telling the truth. I had seen her for 5 years. No matter what I said and despite us discussing it for eight months, every session, she continued to do so. It devastated me in ways I can't explain.
Abstract, that's apalling. I wouldn't call that a misunderstanding. I think it's a betrayal several times over. She wasn't fulfilling her role as a therapist, she wasn't honouring the trust you placed in her, she wasn't listening to you, she wasn't exploring with you something that needed to be explored, she wasn't even acting with due care.
She should have known better and she should have done better. In my view she didn't just fail you, you took a big step in allowing yourself to open up and she wounded you.
It's shocking, and I think anyone would have found that devastating. I imagine it must have deeply affected your sense of self as well as your feelings about therapy. No wonder you have an image of annihilation.
I think this sounds traumatic in itself. Not the type of trauma that results in PTSD, but still something that is devastating and difficult to recover from.
Years later I can at last mostly see that this is what T is for some in ways. It exposes the patterns in how we relate to others and ourselves. I blamed myself entirely for the longest time but now can sometimes see that her job was to realise those patterns and listen and point these things out to me rather than just disbelieve me and fall for the veneer I put on. And leave me to struggle through the realisations myself and by myself. That when I told her what I did and then tried to explain myself when she did not believe then she should have started asking questions rather refuse to listen and assume she knew more about me in an absolute way than I did.
I'm sorry you blamed yourself but glad that you realise that in fact she wasn't doing her job and should not have assumed she knew you better than you did yourself.
As you say, it was her job to reflect things back to you as she saw them. It was also her job to make therapy a safe, non-judgemental space, and to encourage you to explore your experiences and feelings without her dismissing them.
It is hard to put into words how little I told her and how little I realised that. In retrospect I realised that I spend years and years and years speaking about really little and thinking I was working really hard. I do think I was in many ways. I was just that disconnected.
I think you were working really hard. To say anything through the disconnection is really hard work. What you told her was a big thing.
Thank you for saying what you did about trauma severity. There is part of me that is rational and that part knows it is minor ish but you are right that I can't really see it clearly. It feels like nothing at all and that probably isn't the truth. Its hard to accept that would be people who have experienced what I have and not ended up with the problems I do.
I don't think that's the part of you that is rational, I think it's the part of you that's trying to protect you.
What if you suspended judgement on this? What if they repealed the law that says you should have a justification for feeling the way you do?
You've really opened up here, and I hope you're feeling OK having done so. Remember all those good DBT skills if you need them and take good care of yourself.
