I Don't Know How To Make My Parents Understand

[Ayasha]

Deep down, I agree with you Lady Vet. It was just to a point where I could not handle it anymore and I did what I knew would get them to leave me alone for the most part, I'm not proud that I didn't stand up to them.

At the same time, I had to keep in mind that if they can't control me emotionally, they'll threaten to take away the ONE thing that is keeping me going right now and that's school (they've done this before and they nearly took me out of school).

I want to stand up for myself but I guess I just wanted to get them to leave me be for a while. Maybe when I'm less dependent on them financially I'll either stand up to them or it won't matter anymore because it won't be their business.

 

[Rumors]

It is sometimes hard to make people, who aren't really listening, understand. Therefore, until they can really listen and not have some rebuttal or suggestion, I think I would keep on track with the person you are chatting with. I have always found that fixers, and all parents are fixers, can't sometimes see past their answers to really help their kids. It is innate for parents to want to have the answers. However, in their desperate need for you to be ok, they don't realize that they are solely and selfishly filling their own desire bc if you are depressed then it must mean they have failed as parents. In reality, all you probably really want is for them to sit, listen, and tell you they are there to support your healing and will be proactive in any way you would want. As a parent, I can understand their thought process. As a survivor, I know it sucks to feel like they aren't really listening. Just remember, that response has more to do with them than it does with you.

Thank you for sharing. I will reflect back on this lesson as my son grows older so that I can always remember that the true way I can fail him is by not listening. As a parent, my needs must be secondary to his emotional need and I can't lay my insecurities on his doorstep to deal with when he really needs security. I hope your parents will commit to some T appointments of their own so that they can learn to communicate and be more supportive. Good luck!

 

[Ayasha]

Thank you for helping me see their perspectives a bit better. I do know they are trying to help but if they'd just listen they'd see that I just want and need to feel safe. I know they love me, but their way of showing it is not the best and I don't ask them to be perfect because no one is.

I wish so much I had a parent I could talk to because that would make things so much easier but honestly my parents are not the ones to talk to. Maybe that is because they are unable to remain unbiased. I'm afraid I might be projecting that need for a parent onto my therapist, but I know the distinction. I DO see my therapist as a near-parental figure but it's different than what I'd see from a true parent. She can't do what my parents should but she is teaching me the skills that I think a parent would teach their child. Does that make sense? I'm rather tired so it's possible I'm rambling a bit.

 

[KatB]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with your parents Ayesha. Dealing with family can be a challenge....

This post resonated with me in so many personal ways. It is almost exactly like the story of my parents and I. They have noticed the changes in me, deeply. My parents don't like my changes. They see my impatience with them and my lack of care in how I respond to them. Moreover, our parents can relate in that they want to help me, but inwardly, my mom is insensitively ignorant and my dad is too tired. What I am trying to prove is that as much as out parents want to help us and can't help but want to, they also don't seem to see or want to see their ownselves.

I, personally, don't feel any type of remorse towards my parents, especially my mother. She was neglectful in my abuse and she doesn't see emotional or verbal abuse as equally bad to physical abuse. She sees my actions and words as the perpetrator, meanwhile her son inflicted as much pain he knew as possible. My dad, in a way, agrees with her but is aware of my brother's actions. Maybe my guards are well-up, but I found out that giving my energy in trying to express the truths of myself became useless the first time, 2 years ago. Love wasnt enough. Ignorance was. Maybe parents will always be parents and want to defend their only oldest son or daughter, but they failed to acknowledge the truths of my hurts.

I don't know if this resonates with you somehow, but I do not have any more love or respect to give to my parents. I am TIRED. My parents I love them to the day I die, but I am not some 15 yr old girl anymore.

 

[Ayasha]

I don't know if this resonates with you somehow, but I do not have any more love or respect to give to my parents. I am TIRED.

That resonates more than you'd think, I just don't want to because I can't cut my family out. Maybe that is the denial and eventually I may see that I need to stop hurting myself to make others happy. Which I did over break, because it was that or they really were set on forcing a confrontation.

I think it will be much easier when I am no longer forced to live with them, I actually stayed a summer away from them two years ago and that was the best summer I've had in a very long time. Granted, that was before I started going through this process but I still know that some of my trauma is linked to the way they raised me.

Mother once said that they treated my older brothers just the same and they didn't act like me and they "turned out fine". I think the key difference here is that my brothers (as far as any of us know) were not abused like I was. I don't like it when they compare me to my brothers, who are all between five and twelve years older than me.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

I do think this whole issue is a difficult and painful process. I can also totally see why you would choose to avoid change for the sake of peace and yet feel very unsatisfied with that,

One thing is certain and that is that change always meets with resistance. Both inside ourselves and with others around us. Are your family going to like you changing and being more authentic? Almost certainly not. So doing that takes a lot of energy.

The upside is that there is a sense of self pride and contentment when we are authentic and have good boundaries. And when we give in for the sake of peace there is an internal resentment we have that is aimed at ourselves and sabotages a lot of that peace of mind.

I do think its fine to time when you feel able to start addressing these things as it is always hard. It also sounds likely that your family may not be able to see things like you do but maybe that will prove to be wrong. I think attitudes like your father has too emotion are hard to change. So really it is about standing up for who you are rather than changing them.

Normally if family are the type to support and listen and change then they normally have done that all along. Imperfectly possibly but still been there in a true way and as a proper emotional support.

Your brothers may very well have many issues that are hidden and that they could be hiding. And as you say they have not been abused. Not being supported by our parents when something bad happens is a harming injury in my opinion.

You cant make them think about you in any different way and truly accepting that can help a lot. You will figure it out as you go.

I think it can also help not to perceive those changes as "fighting". They are just about putting boundaries up and that is not fighting at all no matter what your family may think.

 

[Rumors]

Ayahsa said: "Mother once said that they treated my older brothers just the same and they didn't act like me and they "turned out fine".

I think your mom demonstrated her inability to be unbiased in that statement alone. The fact is, we are all individuals with different experiences, not one and the same. As well, she exhibits the parental, "it can't be my fault" type statements. Self preservation by saying "your brothers are fine so it must be you because obviously it can't be me." I think what your parents have to get before you can have a "real" conversation with them is that this is NOT ABOUT THEM! You take care of yourself and keep talking! Best wishes!

 

[Abstract]

this is NOT ABOUT THEM!

Rumours! You are so right with that comment. Because saying A is not like her brothers is such a defensive and accusatory comment even if it was said very mildly and it seemed to be innocent. It is just very telling. It is a "me" comment.

Sadly there are a lot of people who developmentally only have the capacity to think of others through the context of "me". I hope that isn't the case with Ayeshas parents and that they see the light. Mine don't have that capacity and it has been about managing that reality in the best way possible and having realistic expectations.

 

[Ayasha]

I think your mom demonstrated her inability to be unbiased in that statement alone. The fact is, we are all individuals with different experiences, not one and the same.

Actually, mother HAS said before that she and father cannot remain unbiased because they are my parents and they care about me. I can respect that, but the problem is that they keep pushing me to tel them but if they are unable to remain unbiased then how could I ever feel comfortable enough to confide in them?

And I see what you mean about it not being about them, but they make it about them. It upsets me that father says it's just too awkward for them and it is hard on mother because she feels she has to push her family away. So I think you guys are right--my parents need to find a way to put aside their own problems concerning this long enough for me to talk to them or they need to just leave me alone.

I like the 'leaving me alone' route better because it means I don't have to tell them everything, which is what they push me to do. They do not understand that I don't know everything because I've spent years blocking it all out, it is just recently that a few of the memories came back and I've been trying to process those first. I honestly barely remember telling mother (and I had only done that at the insistence of a at-the-time friend) because I was so dissociated and in shock. I still have few memories of close to two and a half to three months.

I am still trying to find a small balance, but it almost seems that the balance is my being away at school and not calling or talking to them. It's hard, but I am typically happier other than how much I miss being around my nieces and nephews.

 

[Abstract]

Ayasha, did you give any more thought to printing something off for them or has that seemed too much at present? I do think certain things noone would understand if they have no personal experience or proper knowledge. Like the patchy memory that comes around trauma for example.

 

[Rumors]

It doesn't mean you can't make room for them, Ayasha. I think it just means that you have to realize that in this area, they are not your primary support nor can you expect them to be a tool for strength. Whatever hardship your parents feel about other family members is on them not you. There is no question that if I had a family member that messed with my son, it isn't a hardship for me to know I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire but hey, that's just me. So, with that said, I think you need to find a place where you are able to recite the facts of what transpired to them, with or without detail, and then let them fix themselves just like you are fixing yourself.

It is NOT your responsibility to make it ok for them, repair family relationships with a perpetrator, or make them understand how this has effected your life. I would, however, urge them to be in Therapy so that they can process and hopefully learn to be more supportive of your needs. Other than that, I think you have to keep your relationship with them on a need to know basis.

As well, since you know they are not your source of support, I also think that when you are having times where you are struggling, you should remain friendly but at a distance. I say that bc parents will say, "what's wrong" and that may find you in a weak moment where you try to discuss something that they will perceive as blame or intolerable which might put further strain.

At some point in time as you grow older, you will figure out the relationship you can have with your parents and it will be ok. First, you kind of have to learn your boundaries and what is ok for you to tolerate. I am sure they love you, but they lack the skills to be able to help you. Good, bad, or indifferent, they just do and they can't see past the blame they might perceive will be placed on them for what a perpetrator did to you. Selfish? Yes, but innate for many people but I believe in that saying, "when you know better, you do better."

In some stretch, your parents are ignorant to knowing how to deal with this and until they reach out to become educated, which you cannot force them to do by the way, they will never have the knowledge to set aside their needs and put yours first. It doesn't make them bad people. They aren't stupid. It doesn't mean they don't love you. They simply don't possess the ability to move beyond that emotion of blame. I know this because I have been guilty of it myself many times! This is the same need that I have to be RIGHT in an argument!

Hang in there and keep the faith! Know your parents love you but are not equipped to help you with this one! Forgive them and keep getting help from those who can and are equipped to help you. At the right time, you can give them the facts of what happened and then let them deal with it. Make sure YOU have a good support system in place when you do so and be prepared for them to have some anxiety. All you have to say is, "I love you and I wish I could help you understand but I have a hard time myself and that is why I see someone to help me through this. Perhaps you should do the same because I don't have the answers."

BIG, BIG (()) I really feel for you!

 

[Ayasha]

Ayasha, did you give any more thought to printing something off for them or has that seemed too much at present?

I have, but I guess I'm just too scared to print it and give it to them. Silly, I know, but it's hard to push myself to do that. I haven't gotten to talk to my counselor since this happened (I sent her an email about it but I didn't expect her to reply because we're on break right now) and I will see what she thinks about giving them these resources or if she wants to do family counseling. She offered family counseling last year but I didn't want it, I still don't but I will get her opinion. I trust my counselor and I know she does care for me so she'd only suggest it again if she thinks it would help me.

I also think that when you are having times where you are struggling, you should remain friendly but at a distance. I say that bc parents will say, "what's wrong" and that may find you in a weak moment where you try to discuss something that they will perceive as blame or intolerable which might put further strain.

I've done this, actually. I thought they wanted a closer relationship and at times that I felt upset I tried calling but now I found out that was a horrid idea. It is part of the reason my parents believed me to be so depressed, I had called when I was anxious or scared. I am trying not to "beat myself up" for not learning this lesson by now. Honestly, when I was a small child I'd get in trouble for calling them when I had nightmares and I'd get spanked for crying in general.

You guys are right, and it is NOT my job to educate them. If they want to help me, then they need to listen. Or leave me alone.