Take Me To Your Leader?

[einzelganger]

As a Suffer of Complex PTSD, I feel like an alien who crashed landed on a strange hostile world: unable to understand the cultural norm, being constantly reminded that I am not like other people when it comes to my thought patterns or simple views of the world around me. My girlfriend teases me that I am in fact an alien from another planet. I know she is trying to lighten my mood and my self-view. But sometimes I wonder if she means it in a different way. During one of our fights, I ended up apologizing and she got even more angered by the way I was apologizing and I felt even more attacked by her. I thought to myself, “There is must be something so wrong with me that I can’t even give a heart-felt apology right.” Since then I have been suppressing myself. My emotions, who I am, what I talk about. I feel unsafe and unsure of how to be normal. Forcing myself to appear normal all the while just wanting to hide and be left alone.

Back history:

As a child who endured 16 years (from birth to age 16) at the hands of a sadistic abuser (my father) not only as an adult do I suffer with the sever physical pain left behind but the mental and emotional pathways he scorched though my gray matter.

In my 40+ years, I have been in and out of therapy several times. Always trying and struggling to reach the goal of living a quasi-normal life. It isn’t reassuring when I first meet a tried and tested therapist and they get this look on their face of shock and dismay when I tell my story for the first time. Thankfully, most have been willing to learn and try to help me.
I feel so alone. Does anyone else feel like an alien? Like you are so different from others?

 

[NarcSis]

Yes.

 

[p-no]

Welcome, einzelgänger.

And yes, I have always felt like an alien. Actually, for me, that is the perfect term, because I really very often don't understand people at all.

There is a book I have where on the dedication page it reads: "This book is dedicated to any creature - of any time and any species - who has ever found him or herself on the Earth, gazing up at the sky at three in the morning, and wondering how to get off." So, that would be me.

Since then I have been suppressing myself. My emotions, who I am, what I talk about.

Reading this makes me sad. I hope you will find a way to be yourself again in your relationship and feel safe.

I think many here have made experiences very similar to those of yours. I especially hear you about the look of shock and dismay on the therapist's face. That has been hard for me to look at, because it so clearly showed how bad my abuse really was -- while for me, on some weird level it had always been "normal".

Hope you'll stick around for awhile. I have found lots of support, acceptance, kindness and like-minded people here who understand. I hope you will find this a healing place for you.

prime-no

 

[ms spock]

Yes.

 

[JustBe]

*Raises hand waving wildly*

I do too! :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes.

My favorite book is The Little Prince, by Antoine de Sainte-Exupery, (a tender-hearted alien vsits a person on earth).

If nothing else, as you can see, most of us relate at the heart and experience level. You are not 'different'.

I hope you will find understanding and support here. Welcome to you. :)

 

[aka]

Interesting never really thought myself as an alien but more of an outsider, but I guess its has the same meaning.

 

[timid_flower]

Yes, I often feel the same way.

 

[TLight]

Ditto; like I have no idea what this world or life is about or how to do it, even the simpliest things.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Agreed.

I have only told my T abbreviated parts of my past. And I get this "look" from professional who's supposedly had a great deal of history working with clients previous to me. It's definitely alienating when you're own therapist looks and talks to you like you're a wonder to be alive.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yes I have never fitted in anywhere. I always feel different. You are not alone. I am sad that you are suppressing yourself in your relationship. That is so wrong. There must be issues with your partner. I feel uncomfortable with her calling you an alien. That is so unkind. I wish you the best in this. I think boundries with your partner would help your self esteem go up. You deserve good in your life. Hugs.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Yes. Though not pertaining to us specifically, there is a well-known Asperger's website where they sell merchandise with logos that read 'Wrong Planet!'. That's it then - an assessment of the known facts contrasted to the present state of our boundaries paralleled to societal norms leads to no other conclusion! Kind regards...

M.