Yes Abstract, I can see the logic in that (above).
Wow- you are tremendously informed. My body is just pretty much a damaged old mess, lol. Permanent wear and injuries. Of course, I'm a 'used model', lol. Definitely could use some body work and some new parts, lol. ;)
You are so sweet, well not sure if I've been resilient so much as accepting, or perhaps even not having an alternative but to try. (By the way.. yes, you are very sneaky... think we would have made good sisters, lol, xoxox. :) :inlove: Thank you all for your Birthday wishes, xox.)
Not even sure if I should post, if I have the post-holidays-blues, or just an 'awakening'. Survived birthday and such, actually don't care for them and never even had them as a kid. I thought it went ok, tried not to meltdown after, (as receiving a gift isn't my thing, either), made it til today. Looked and a bottle of wine I had was 80% gone- had only had a glass and a half. 'Wasn't my sister', as she said- guess it was the dog, lol. Anyway, 'downer' is, just think the future consists of she will die from drinking, I will from smoking. (Odd thing is, I'd probably 'join in', at this point, but I have neither the pocketbook nor physical health to tolerate the heavy drinking).
Well, then I started thinking of (of all things), things of like my evening shoes, dresses, evening wear earings- still have a pair my mom gave me. Was thinking, imagine she actually thought I'd have a 'normal' life- incredulous. Can't believe when I had a half-arsed normal life. Also can't believe I'd rather go back to
abusive relationships and that life than this. Guess it was easier to accept, when it wasn't possible, or was severly limited- during a flood, or because of having to care for my Aunt 24/7 (with my sister) while working, etc. Anyway, I can give a lot away. So, needless to say, the train of thought is in the toilet, lol. Kick my as*.
It did occur to me also, I guess I haven't received the help I thought. Well, at one level I certainly have, and hope I am grateful. At another, I am not really 'known', the past help makes more sense within the context of trusting, trusting within the context of knowing and being known ('acceptance' perhaps a bigger key there?), and that's not really true. Not to mention, it's just been a large burden, on others. Gets bigger like a snowball going downhill.
Because I was thinking, for all of our struggles, and much as Sailorgal put it that *all* people have them, (ptsd or not), so much truth lies in not even words, but the common reactions, thoughts (or words) which are spontaneous but true. Because we are all very much the same (as people), at some level. In the job I work, I am frequently going to "stranger's" homes, it is amazing how 'alike' all of us are: where we put things, what we purchase, what we 'do' (having a bath, etc.)-activities of daily living, ways we organize, think and feel, etc. For example, when I am looking for something, I think of where I'd put it (or it is), in my house, and sure enough I will find it in the same place in their's. (Quite amazing, really.)
Am sure I don't have the words to convey what I mean, but I can think of examples. I read once about a woman post-divorce, was going on her first 'date', feeling unsure and insecure, and her 4-year old looked at her dressed up and said, "Wow!" And she said, that gave her ample confidence, as it spoke volumes.
Or a Doctor I read about, he does facial surgery and said unfortunately because of the intricacy of so many nerves etc, within the face sometimes removing tumours and such the tiniest touch can leave a degree of paralysis or distortion. He was describing how he saw 2 couples. In the first case the husband was critical of and repulsed by his wife's post-surgical appearance; in the second case the husband without 'thinking' adjusted his lips to kiss his wife. I guess that is it, the sincerity of actions or words without thinking. Or (and) like the example, "If someone asks you if you're happy and you have to pause and ask yourself to answer, you probably aren't!" Knowing that if you were, that would come out ('blurt out') naturally. We are all the same, in so many ways. Much is said in actions, words, silence, positive and negative.
Abstract, as to your question, I guess I've tried every self-help book or modaility out there, could list the rare thing that was helpful easier than what was not. Definitely not helpful for depression etc, except to recognize the connection between feeling depressed (for no apparent reason) and then presenting with a flu etc a couple of days later. Much I tried never seemed to do the trick, or quite fit, or quite apply. Though I suspect my own inadequacies, really. Not to mention, for the most part it wasn't ptsd-specific.
AlAnon was useful for information, mostly the focus of cleaning my own house, and knowing you had a 'body' you could actually call in a crisis at 3 a.m., and they wouldn't be angry, or despise you (me) for it, they truly meant it. That gave me strength, a feeling of security (though I don't think I ever took advantage of it, just e-mailed once or twice at that time of morning, I think.) I did my own ammends and 12 steps 20 years earlier (well, sort of, on my own), substituted depression and self-harm (though much were all symptoms of ptsd), I think it had it's place at the time.
Journalling wasn't so much my thing, I find that more like a vent-fest (but so is this), stopped that when my computer died last year. Never reread negative stuff, did try to refer back to positive stuff, missed that a lot when my computer crashed. But now I wonder, I think most of it was generalizations, perhaps they would or wouldn't apply? (Doesn't matter because most I can't recall. And every generalization is a fallacy, anyway).
So anyway, thanks to all, I'll just be kicking my butt (lol) and getting back on track, not a 'healing train' but a slow bus to work, lol. Yikes. Quite the whiner.
Hugs and best wishes to and for all, (((((((( :hug: )))))))), xoxoxox.
