Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Dear Sailorgal, I am sure you are right, as regards communication. But the response is loud and clear. It doesn't matter.

I mean, I just can't stand being screamed at, or being a burden or yapping into the air. I don't have a point for talking for no reason, or worse. It's painful, it's damaging, it's at best useless.

I feel good about your 2nd interview.. the closer I hope, :hug: , xoxox. I will bring the Champagne. :) :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

You know, I read your post again SG, and I don't want others to feel awkward, nor do I want to be viewed as stupid. And I haven't thought I've been disrespectful. But saying anything at home is met with rage. Then (sometimes) it deteriorates into an argument. Then (and throughout) I'm told I'm 'nuts', which though all a cycle of abuse, who knows, maybe I am already. It always starts from rage over something tiny.

I'm too tired to find other ways to communicate, I am also doing the best I can. And I can't get out of the environment. If that's not good enough, at home or else-wise, or it's detested by others or pushes their buttons, I am wrong to do it. I've tried the best I can, I don't feel good, but I can't do more. I try to respect others. But if they do not understand that little about me, that it is important to me and I'm doing the best I can, I just don't have the energy to accomplish better.

I don't know if the realize it used to be important to me to try, but I can see how it's not important to them (if that makes sense). I've seen, for example, what can affect me deeply, be laughed about by my sister and her bf the next day, they either don't remember or the scary, out-of-control happenings the night before (that I've been stuck in) become the next day's funny conversation. I've always defaulted to what is important to others.

It took a long time to even think I had 'rights' to ask a question, to have an opinion, to disagree. But I think it's made everything worse. It creates rage at home. And it's not important. I feel too unwell to keep trying. Which is funny, because I respect others' rights to their own views. Then again, how are they to understand, why should anyone care, and frankly it's probably desired (on their part) that I disappear and the burden goes away.

Actually, I'm told that directly, or told that it's not important enough to even respond. So, I can't check my brain and reality at the door, that's just the truth or how others view it, or I've made them to feel. But, it's all I have to give. I, too, would rather not be 'me'. But, I am. But if it hurts everyone, or is a pain in the a$$, well, up to me go away, verbally, physically, all ways. Or, I have to accept it and realize I'm not wanted around and don't really have the option of wants or opinion. That's uncomfortable for me to be surrounded by, too, though.

Yikes, hope that makes sense, xox.

 

[Tinyflame]

SG, your words did/ do prompt me to think of something else too, though. I'm not one for rose-colored glasses (as in thinking positively), but for the most part I don't think I'm paranoid, either (hopefully not).

In thinking about it, I realize as per my sister, of course it has to do with the drinking (same with her bf as well). I realize her perspective is, or even 'has to be', different, to not acknowledge what the drinking is doing to either of them. What I mean is, things I can say or do would be potentially fear-evoking just because it (in her mind) probably comes back to that. It's not so much about me, but her own needs etc. Similarly, I had a sister right at Christmas drop a bomb, but I didn't go 'there', I'm way too old for secrets and that stuff. Similarly, I put my friend on the spot, to say 'out loud' (words) that all this has been too much. But then, I don't think he's ever said anything unkind (to my face), so I guess he just didn't have the heart to say it. If I had to ask, then I know the answer, I have to say it for him. Ptsd and all this, is too much. Also, a few friends I haven't kept up with properly, well they have been kind and not stopped even though (because of it), because I don't know what to say to them is surely not their fault.

Also, looking at in a different way, maybe there was nothing else I *could* have done, way back 30 years ago. I can't think of anything else I could have tried (then), I always thought if I had done it differently (eg spoken up), the following stuff (including ptsd, as I found out later), wouldn't have occurred. Not sure if that means it's (still, or 'all') primarily my fault or weakness, but irregardless maybe it was inevitable.

 

[nimkekaa]

Happy New Year nimkekaa, and thank you for all your hard work! (Abstract was sneaky, , I blocked my birthday but spilled the beans after. ) Congratulations to you on the moderator spot! I hope we (I) don't make too much work for you!

Thanks Junebug and a Happy New Year to you too. The moderator spot is keeping me busy but mostly because I am not great with computers. Slowly I think I am getting the hang of it. Please be patient with all my mistakes also. I know there will be lots. ;)

 

[Sailorgal]

Junebug! Sorry I've not been online much. All night headache...ugh!!

Oh I hope you don't think I'm meaning to say you are saying anything wrong. Just that everyone takes things differently and it sounds like your sister will always be that way with you. I'm sorry that she can't look at herself and in fact prod her bf to agree. Obviously with family, she was affected her own way too. And yes the drinking problem makes it a challenge to improve.

They say in sports the best defense is a good offence. You don't deserve to be screamed at of belittled. I find over the years I spend less time defending myself more and put more energy on how I position myself. It is challenging because deep down we are human and want love and acceptance, especially close family and friends.

I wish there was a magic wand that would silence them when she starts! I have a feeling deep down inside she feels insecure and putting you down is to elevate herself. And for her to validate you, that means she accepts those "wild and crazy" ideas of yours-and the truth is probably something she doesn't want to face.

I really had to put my deterination hat on and answer some negative interview questions. I had to say what I wanted which I haven't been motivated to do.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nimkekaa, I think that is great. Don't worry, I saw your post and thought, "Ohoh, don't know what I did wrong this time.." :eek: :oops: :( :rolleyes:

Big hugs to you, thank you for helping all of us. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear SG, I am so proud of you, your bravery and perseverance, with work or 'life' in general. :tup: I believe it really will go great. :) :hug:

Thank you for your kindness in saying that. I don't know, I might have said something wrong. :(

I know what hit me today, it's the memories. I've been so busy hanging on for 'dear life' for so long, that if my mind starts to break down the realities of what is past- OMG. That is, normally I don't have to dig deep to find many things I'm thankful for. Then I can only think of all I'm grateful to my sister for, for example, no matter her behaviour to me (sometimes) now. Though it also makes me feel devastated. But then I feel terrible, for feeling otherwise. :(

Similarly, I started to think of the truth of all that's been overcome or survived, just even in the last years. Then I feel amazed and shocked at all the help, happy and grateful. It's almost miraculous. But then, I thought, OMG- it's so much. If it's half as difficult for those around me as it has been for me- that's horrific. I've caused something horrible. :( Because somewhere, in battling each mountain or 'moment', as it were, somewhere in my mind it was by telling myself (conveniently) it would be the last bad moment, the last time I'd have to ask for help, etc. But it wasn't. In fact, maybe likely because of my ptsd, it's been a string of them. That is horrific. And it only follows logically to me that I will cause more damage by my existence, to anyone. :( It's in their best interests to get away from them. As long as I have ptsd I am a curse. :(

I don't know how to reconcile these thoughts, because they are opposite: to be grateful and thankful and happy at all that's been overcome, or to be horrified and take action on all it's caused others, acknowledge it and ensure they don't have to go through it any more. (And even that I can't do entirely, when my sister and I live together.)

Like this last time, even my sister, though this was not due to my meltdown (God knows however, it usually or definitely *could be* or has been on other occassions), what about the times it has? :(

Not sure but if you can help me understand or know what to think I would appreciate it. I don't know if I should be celebrating and grateful and 'hopeful' about the future, as to all that has been overcome, or horribly ashamed and segregating myself for others' sakes. :( I can't reconcile it, because I keep causing pain or stress or damage. How can that ever end, if ptsd has no cure? How I feel ends up entirely on which way I look at it (and then feel about it). But it doesn't change the reality of what it does to others. And yet even then, I know it seems ungrateful for all the past to feel compelled to remove myself, but beyond my own lack of resiliency, it's really in others' best interests, but they probably wouldn't see it that way. I think my sister, perhaps even others, think it's ingratitude on my part. :(

Needless to say, how I feel depends on what I think. But both are truths. :(

I read today that the point is to care for others and care for ourselves. I don't know how to do that, either the self-care seems undeserved, or in avoiding thinking about things, I am not grateful enough, or I cause more damage than care because of 'me' and ptsd- and that is not likely to ever change. :(

Thank you for taking the time to answer SG. :hug: I so hope your headache is gone now!! (((((((((SG)))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

(Geez- like it's not long enough), but I forgot, too. How do I know anyone just doesn't say that the real truth is that they prefer I (and the ptsd that is 'me') were gone? Don't mean that in a bad way, just a 'normal' way- how can anyone stand what I barely can? Because I don't have a choice, and it's my responsibility or 'cross' to deal with it, (but not others).

Perhaps, in all the times my sister gets so angry or calls me 'nuts' or whatever, it's just accurate, but she's 'trapped' (we live together).

(PS- I don't think everyone with ptsd is like this, I just know how I am. And I can't 'get any better' faster than I am trying, and I don't think I've been very successful. :( )

(Thank you, :hug: ).

 

[Sailorgal]

Oh dear Junebug, reading your posts is such a visual of what's going on in you.

It's "ok" and typical to be back and forth with PTSD. The good thing is you know you are doing this. I don't know your sister so I can't comment on her motives or if what she does is really horrible. I'm not saying I don't believe you. All I'm saying is our PTSD can throw curve balls.

It all boils down to how do we respond or what boundaries are necessary. However, you live with her (I think?), so that makes it challenging.

I feel you need to really accept with joy how far you have come whether that means acceptance, healing, understanding, etc. Let the past be the past. If it is unresolved or there is something still triggering you today based on your past, of course it needs to be addressed. But leave the memories where they are. It's ok to have a "things that are good" path and "things that need improvement."

As much as we desire validation, there is something deeper that's more important and that is self-validation. Sounds like that is where you're not sure of. You know what you are feeling, you know what makes you feel that way, but whether you did the right thing or not or comprehended things accurately or not you're not sure. I think you are a bit harder on yourself. Not everything is about right/wrong but more about being understanding of each other.

Whenever there is a big argument, what is the first thing on your mind? Is it that she isn't listening, or she misunderstands, of is she being disrespectful? Do you feel it's more personal towards you or just how she has become towards you and using the excuse "you're nuts" to avoid any real discussion?

 

[Sailorgal]

Ok I can't remove the quote when going to . :(

And lots of hugs to you Junebug! Sorry, no cute bears from iPhone.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear SG, thank you.

Well, the first thing (and usually the last thing) on my mind is fear. It's mostly rage coming my way. I'm not sure if she has ptsd, I say only because she has the same symptomology. But she doesn't believe it exists. The raging can go on for hours. However, it doesn't sound like it from only this, but she is a very good person and even angry usually makes good (or 'true') points. But no, she has said repeatedly that I'm nuts, should be dead, a burden, lazy, ruined her life etc. I don't know what to believe. It's hard to have boundaries when they're ignored. But I try to keep boundaries in my head. I know she is lashing out. Usually there's no apology after the fact, ever. (Yes, we co-own a home together).

But also, I can't say anything about the ptsd. She doesn't understand the insomnia, hypervigilance, exhaustion, anxiety (or 'fear'). She doesn't understand 'down time'. (I do my best to hide it all). She thinks I shouldn't believe in God, that because I go to church I shouldn't feel those things, and that all my problems would be solved just dating (well, one-night stands). I once brought up SI- I was desperate (tried to say) I really needed help - she said "Go kill yourself". Ever since I can't live it down. I can't really (safely) say I like or don't like something, or she reads much more into it and takes the ball and runs with it. I try to stop her and explain but it's too late and the raging begins.

It's been this way about 7 years; prior to that we were very close. I know what set it off (my response to what was bizarre 7 years ago.) However, it's also improved (usually) there is no physical violence (directly). It's better than it was.

Anyway, yes you are right, I don't 'know' (self-validation), what to think. Actually however, I'm not really looking for validation of myself. What I can't bear, is if it is true that I'm causing others harm, by my 'being'. I am no one's concern or responsibility. I'm no one's (adult) child, no one's spouse, and my sister is not my parent. No one is required to remain through ptsd (or it's negative effects) with me, by ties of blood or love or obligation of any kind.

I don't really feel the vascillation out of not being sure, I am relatively sure of both, that it is hardly imaginable (in a positive way), of coming this far. But have I done it at others' expense? And worse yet, or more importantly, as the past cannot be changed but the present (and therefore 'future') can, if it's harming others a) I can't live with that, and b) I'll have to ensure it doesn't happen (to the best I can).

Thank you dear SG, hugs back and I imagine the bears. :) XOXOX. Sweet dreams to you, thank you. (And yes, I realize re: the ptsd how I can get it all wrong, sometimes).

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Junebug)))

What your sister says is just awful. Then again I'm not surprised because lots of people have anger issues and can be rational in arguments without PTSD. If she had it I doubt she would say such things. She has issues though. They don't understand how hurtful their words are whether you have PTSD or not. Sounds like she can't get past some things herself and that doesn't help you trying to really get breakthrough.

You do need self-valudation Junebug. Every survivor that has been able to overcome really comes down to believing in ourselves first. Everyone else be it therapists, family of friends are wonderful and can be a great impact on our healing, but it starts with us accepting ourselves and knowing it's not us.

There will always be people who get hurt or offended by what we say or do. It's life. They will be ok, they will get over it. If you are being honest, just giving your opinion, not having ill will towards the person, don't worry about it. You can only make so many people happy.

Unless your sister truly wants to listen to you with an open heart, then best not to discuss those PTSD things with her. There are always different tactics you can say such as, "You can have your opinion and I have mine. Your opinion doesn't make you right."
And the old,"If you can say anything positive, please keep your opinions to yourself."

Standing up for yourself takes a lot of courage and practice. Saying "you don't understand me" has a different / weaker tone than "I don't appreciate what you have to say."

JB, stick around me long enough and she'll sell her share of the house! He he he