Emotional Needs

[Philippa]

I think most people are like this KatB, but I think it's important to also realize that not everyone is like this. Some people actually thrive more when they are on their own, and prefer the life of a hermit. It is weird to the rest of the population, and people tend to think of these people as serial killers...but it isn't always the case. Certain personality types just don't do well in groups and prefer being around animals.

I think it is a healthy thing to learn how to be alone, at least some of the time. Most people stay in unhealthy relationships to avoid this very thing, because society has all kinds of judgements for people who are single or alone. Lots of important work can be done on your own though...like learning about yourself, what you want and don't want, what you like etc. Getting to know yourself better so you can be even better for the next relationship.

 

[saffy]

I have heard, if you have bad childhood. you will keep falling always.

I try not to think this way Jaret, as I hope there can be something better for me or I might as well give up now and just sit here in depression and negative thoughts about myself and the world. There are too many happy people out there to make me think there is no hope for happiness. :) (ever the optimist)

I am realising that I was stripped of a lot of my basic needs that would have helped me be more emotionally stable and mature. Because of the way I was treated I felt like I was not important, a pain, someone in the way, someone not be be talked to or shown affection, that made me hate myself, I though I must be a horrible person for them not to like me.

Inside I have no self esteem or love for myself because that is what I was made to believe, I was unworthy of love or affection, I am just bad and I am always the one that had done wrong, It is always my fault. Which brings me to This inside thingy as raven123 has described it ;) (I'm not having a go at anyone by the way)

The all inside thing is a bunch of crap.

For me I have to start to like me, inside my thoughts have to be positive and encouraging of myself, not one of hatred and doubt. I need to understand my own emotions and feelings and learn to trust them again. That all comes from within, how I think about me and how I want to be now, how I would like to think about myself. Does that make sense? :)

I feel until I know that It would be unfair, on me and him, to try and have a relationship and so do not look. What I am looking for are ways to find myself and learn to think more rationally and maturely about things. TO be whole, not shattered fragments.

These feelings can be reinforced by others, which is a need, but unless you are always getting positive reinforcements from others whilst you are still unsure about yourself then sometimes others can also be detriment to how I want to feel inside.

However, even if I do get some sort of praise I never believe that they are being truthful to me and rather think they are only saying that just to be nice. I am very untrusting and paranoid, because the people I should have trusted more than anyone else in the world, let me down big time. Because of this I have to learn to like myself so I do need outside reinforcement to make me believe it.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[anonymous]

I personally prefer to be around animals. Humans aren't as kind as they are. I can be around humans, but my preference is the animal kingdom. But then, I never had care from adults when I was a child, so I guess that is why.

Sorry to get you off track.

 

[Tanishq]

Because of the way I was treated I felt like I was not important, a pain, someone in the way, someone not be be talked to or shown affection, that made me hate myself,

I was treated in different way. When I was in pain, people around me tried anything to get me off that pain. It was not like that they wanted to see me in peace. It was like I was disturbance to them. It hurt me very much.

It made me feel I am problem for them and if I want to be with them, I will have to stay in perfect state, stress free and always be pleasing for them.

Thank you Saffy for your thoughts. :)

 

[raven123]

Found this to build self-worth...

by Alison Finch

Feeling worthless is a safe option because it reduces the amount of pain you suffer when things go wrong. If you already know that you're no good and that no one will fall in love with you, or give you a job, or even care enough to listen to you, then when a rejection wings its way towards you - which it certainly will because it happens to all of us - then you're better prepared than most. You can say: "Ah ha, you can't ruin my life because I already knew this was going to happen; I already knew that you didn't really love me/want me/value me!"

Feeling worthless is an easy option; if you're worthless there's no need to try to do well and succeed in the things that matter to you because there is simply no point. Also, if you act as if your opinions and your desires are all worthless then people leave you alone. If you say you have no remarkable skills or talents then there is no need to apply them. If you say that you are a useless, hopeless nobody then people will expect far less from you. And just maybe you could get lots of sympathy and perhaps even another person (on a white horse in shining armour) coming to your rescue to sort your life out for you.
deep down, all of us really WANT to feel valued

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson -

Right at the beginning of this article I promised you a cure for worthlessness. Here it is, in three straightforward steps:

Acknowledge your real value by writing a list of your strengths, attributes and the good things that you do each day. If you've taken the Ultimate Self-esteem Test, then refer to your Self-esteem Profile and the Self-help Programs recommended to you to remind yourself of both your strengths and the areas you still need to work on. Accept this list as your starting point.

Make a commitment now to build your self-esteem and keep adding positive things to your life every day and find it within yourself to eliminate things from the negative side. Do more smiling, share more kind thoughts and caring emotions, be curious, optimistic, and courageous, work hard and have fun. And reduce the time and energy you expend in whingeing, moaning, or feeling sorry for yourself.

Be your own judge. You know yourself better than anyone and now that you're an adult it is up to you to decide your worth and to attempt to live up to realistic expectations of yourself.

When I was living and working in Australia a few years ago I heard for the first time the expression "tall poppy syndrome". It captures the notion that small-minded people often like to put down those who strive to do well because "tall poppies" make little weeds seem even smaller!

 

[Tanishq]

Raven, Thanks for sharing that article.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Thanks for the post Raven! I will try to wrap my heart around this!

 

[saffy]

I personally prefer to be around animals.

Me too , they are unconditional.

Thanks for sharing Raven, it makes total sense to me and I can relate to it. I just have to convince myself that I actually have any thing to feel worthy about. I cannot even do that at the moment. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Phenioxrising]

Great article Raven. There's a saying for others to love you, you have to first learn to love yourself.
A while ago, I learned that I raised myself. My dad was always their, but my mother sucked the life out of him, As she stuck me with my PTSD. Here's to everyone on this forum, to cope, and accept the way we are, and that were better than the people that hurt us. We have been violated, judged. But we are NOT them.

 

[piratelady]

Found this to build self-worth... by Alison Finch

Raven,

Per for the [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/pages/help-site-rules/"]Forum rules[/DLMURL] (#13), please provide a link to the article you have posted above.
Thank you!

 

[raven123]

I think the way to loving yourself is that article and finding yourself. I don't think going over and over the past works. It just brings up shit. Unless you don't know the past or the damage it did, of course. I know the past and the damage. I'm not going over the past again in my diary I'm using to love myself and find me. The inner child thing I rejected because they are gone. Finding my inner self is what I need to do since I wasn't allowed emotions and my needs were never met as a kid (and mostly never met as an adult). I do think therapy is 90% bullsh*t. I'm not looking for help there again.

As far as God, church triggers me. Only the Catholic one seems to work sometimes. I go there, if I get triggered or have emotional shit, I leave. If God is all love (love has no control freaks) like he/she told me recently, then he/she won't have an issue. If he/she does, he/she can get lost.

As far as people, I'm first. Until I'm focused on me, I ain't doing one damn thing for much of anyone unless they reciprocate. For too long, I focused on everyone else to avoid me. I ain't doing that shit no more. If I'm selfish, ah well, life's a bitch. I'll give some ahole a quarter to call 1-800-mindyourownf*ckingbusiness. LOL

 

[saffy]

I don't think going over and over the past works. It just brings up shit.

I think that. I have left the past behind banished contact with triggers, but it still comes up now and again.

And, I am focusing on myself now too. GO sister:tup:

I now try to focus on what I feel and think now and how I can change these now. Think how they got there brings up the past but I do not dwell on it. It just gives me better understanding of why.

Best wishes
Saffy :)