Relationship Am I Losing My Mind?

[kristen1911]

My boyfriend is suffering with war related ptsd\tbi ...when he was unable to re enlist due to major trauma, I supported him and we became a cpl. I have 2 boys he was perfect with, we did everything together,laughed alot, he was so charming, and our intimacy was great. We moved in together and in my eyes it was perfect. Recently,we purchased a bigger house together as a family. My boys and I love him deeply. For the past 2 mos. Though he has been very distant. I do everything I can to support him, I take care of his meds. I go to every doc. Appt. That I can, I tell him I love him everyday. We have only been intimate 1 time in 2 months, he seems to be trying to push me away, he told me that he wanted me to leave him alone, and hasn't really talked to me in a few days, unless he needs something. This is tearing me apart with how cold he is being, he will be on his phone texting all night talking to other people but doesn't wanna be around me,which is hard bc we live together. Im also afraid he is talking to other women and its hurting me so bad. We love him so much, any opinions? Or maybe how I can better handle the situation?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Be prepared for anything. He is doing what so many have done before him and I cannot tell you what your future with him holds for you. You are not losing your mind. This is a pattern that happens far too often.

He pulls away from you after so much going good. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I will tell you to trust your gut and be ready for just about anything going wrong right now.

Is he is therapy? Is he getting treatment? I say this because if he is not, then your hands are tied and the only thing you can do is take good care of yourself and your boys, because he is not able to be there for you.

Someone will be along that can better support you. Like I said, I am really sorry you are suffering in this experience and what you will have to face and deal with in the future.

You can only let him have his space and hope he will go into therapy with what is going on. If he does not you are making a choice to be with someone who is not getting the right help for what he is suffering from.

I wish you the best. Hang around and someone will come who can better advise you.

I have ptsd and I learned until a person hits bottom they will not get help. He needs proffessional help.

I hope it all works out for you that your family stays intact, and whole.

 

[safenow]

Welcome to the forum, kristen1911. I so sorry you are going through this. But, I'm sorry to say it is typical. Perhaps the new house has him feeling insecure or something triggered him. I do hope he reaches out and gets some help and you can stay an intact family.

safenow

 

[kristen1911]

Thank you so much for your reply, I need all the opinions and help I can get. He is in a ptsd program at the v.a , but they seem to overbook and he gets booted or he comes home from them and that's when he gets quiet. I just don't understand all these plans he's made, wanting a child, and wanting to get married,buying our house, making all these future plans, and I thought he deserved all these things, and he does,but now its extremely scary now that I see what has been happening. Also, why does he tell me he loves me still, but not take shattering my emotions into consideration at all?? I feel so unnappreciated, and unwanted.Are there any suggestions, on how I can get him more help or the right programs he needs to be in? And how I go about speaking to him about it? I think another problem is, it seems everytime we go to v.a they throw him on a dif. Medication, or he wont get the ones he needs on time through the mail.

 

[kristen1911]

Safenow ...thank you as well. If it were the new house, then why does he seem to only be acting this way towards me? I mean is that typical? I just feel like I'm being the punching bag, because maybe he knows ill put up with it? Im so confused.

He got angry at me, 2 weeks before we had to move into house, I left to my mothers and he was so cold, and then out of nowhere the day before we were supposed to move in, he told me he loved me and wanted his family back and had every excuse from he was in pain physically, or he lost his phone but at the time he would allow his buddies over but wouldn't answer for me, I was physically sick and heart broken but I loved him so I went back, felt like he needed me and I couldn't let go, how long do I put up with this before I say enough is enough?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

He is not able to be there for you in the ways you need, and that is why you have to be very good to yourself and keep up your own life happy. I hope this makes sense to you.

I think it is a good sign if he tells you that he loves you. He does not have to say that. It bodes well for the both of you. I am so glad to hear this.

Feeling unappreciated and unwanted goes with the territory. You will have to grow a thick skin and accept that this is the way it is. He cannot be there for you emotionally. I know this is a big change when he has been in the past.

Mabe you could ask him how he is feeling and if he wants to talk about it. I hope he will talk to you. That would be a good sign.

I do not know about how to help him in another program. This forum has a sister site on combat ptsd and is for service men and women. Mabe he would like to know more about it. It could be very useful getting information to him. I wish you the best in all of this. I really do. What you are going through is very difficult and you will have to become very strong in this.

 

[safenow]

Sounds typical of the V.A. And yes, that is a problem, but not one you can solve without other insurance.

If he is telling you he loves you, believe it. It's not that he doesn't take your feelings into consideration, it's that he doesn't "see" what he's doing to you. He is probably in a fog right now. He knows there is a problem, but is not sure what it is or how to solve it. And if you tell him what it is, he will probably resent that you told him. Not making excuses for him, but it's really not his fault right now. As long as he doesn't get violent, do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and sane. Let him know how much you love him. I know it's been a while since you've been intimate, but don't give up on that either. It doesn't have to be sex, just being there, a soft touch, or intimate caress can say so much. A candle lit dinner. His favorite food. Just little things like that can help.

I hope you are keeping a journal of the good memories. Try to think of them everyday, so you don't forget. They can also help you remember things that he felt good about and that might help as well. Good luck.

End of grandmotherly lecture 101.
safenow

 

[Abstract]

After treatment sessions most people need to be very quiet and alone. I know I do. I would find it very hard to have to worry about speaking to someone so that their feelings are not hurt when I am barely managing to cope.

There can be a deep instinctive fear of intimacy when we are triggered and treatment initially makes things worse before they get better. For me and many others it is most difficult with those I feel the closest too and love the most. I can normally speak to people I don't know relatively easily.

It sounds like he is trying to get better and is getting treatment and both of those are really good signs. It also does not sound like he is blaming you for any of this and that is helpful too. And he is saying he loves you so it seems there is no change of heart.

I feel so unnappreciated, and unwanted

I think the difficult thing can be realising that intimacy and talking about things or even interacting can at times be impossible and that it is nothing to do with anyone else at all and merely because of what one is coping with. And that that can be a regular occurrence when one is struggling.

 

[kristen1911]

You all have been so great! This is the first forum I have joined, I knew I wasn't near as strong as I thought I was and I needed help, so im glad I found this site. Im 27 , with a full time job, 2 boys, a new house and the man I love having severe ptsd, tbi, and they say he may be in a wheelchair soon, he has bad nerve damage,and is on a severely high dosage of pain killers, I don't blame him for anything,and I know this is terribly hard for him to deal with since he is only 27 as well. I love him so much, and my friends tell me that he is to much to take on, especially for my age, and things going on in my life, and everything going on with him, but his friends and family tells me that my boys and I are the best thing he has in his life. I guess I just hope he sees everything I do for him, and he believes that too :)

 

[James Burt]

I agree with Abstract in that immediately after treatment, I feel raw, frayed, and drained. It's hard to say what I want or need so it's usually better to have space. I would also venture to guess that if he's getting jerked around by the VA, there's a ton of frustration. Plus his meds keep getting changed which makes it hard to get settled mentally. The plans he made was probably a way to focus positively on the future. I did the same and didn't react well when bumps in the road or obstacles came. We seem to treat those closest the worst because those are the people we feel safe expressing certain emotions with, so it feels as of we're being assholes. If he's that injured, he'll also have the guilt and shame that he cannot fulfill a "mans responsibilities" as much anymore. You are doing so much to help and support him. As a sufferer I thank you. But, what are you doing to take care of yourself? If you spend all of your time focused on him, you could lose a part of you in doing so. Do not forget to take some time for you so you don't burn out.

 

[MagiLisu]

I have to admit when I am feeling very low I will often push away the people I love as a way of protecting them. I don't want them to suffer so by pushing them away and shutting down in my mind I am keeping them safe. It sounds bizarre when I think about it because it causes them to worry about me even more but at the time it's the only way I know how to cope.

I have also in the past been very resentful towards them. I used to often think to myself why won't they just let me be miserable. Why are they forcing me to do things I don't feel up to doing. I now know that they were doing what they felt best, had they let me sit around the house on my own I probably would still be there now (or maybe not here at all). In my mind if they cared about me they would have left me alone.

He is probably hurting a lot at the moment, and may not really understand what is going on in his head. I've only really just started to understand my thoughts with the help of my therapist. Moving can also be a big trigger. I don't like it when things change, it makes me feel unsettled. At the moment I am at my best when everything around me is calm and familiar.

It's hard but I now have an understanding with my loved ones - if I am feeling bad they will not 'pry' and they will let me come to them. If they feel that I am spiraling out of control however they will intervene. I find this much easier to cope with and I do open up to them a bit more when I am feeling bad, but at the same time I keep them at arms length. I am going through a bad patch at the moment and haven't spoken to them at all about it, yet.

 

[safenow]

I will often push away the people I love as a way of protecting them. I don't want them to suffer so by pushing them away and shutting down in my mind I am keeping them safe.

I do that as well.