What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[belong to live]

2Quilt said

I seem normal? Wow, I guess my cover is not yet blown. Either that or PTSD is so widespread that -you- seem strange. Now, here's the part where you show me some compassion. Try it.

I have been told most of my life I am so calm or appear calm. Do not judge a book by it's cover folks.

On the inside is turmoil which is the opposite of serenity (Anger turned inward also leading to depression). I cried when I read the serenity prayer as it hit home to me. I am not religious but it has an emotional/spiritual meaning for me. And just because you have it tatooed on your wrist as a reminder, like my ex, doesn't mean that you feel serenity. It is something we may seek but it is ever eluding us.

I think with my upbringing in a PTSD exposed environment I had to be 'good' or calm and couldn't show my true feelings as this may have created more conflict between my Mum and Dad (Dad is Vietnam Vet living with PTSD). I think I developed a detached, distant and avoiding personality as a result of this. In fact I have a hunch I could be borderline personality or similar as a result of Mum's projecting of her feelings and issues onto my self and two brothers. Others have remarked on my dark moods and distance at times and lack of emotions. Some people read this as being 'normal' or 'calm'.

 

[KatB]

I hate it when they try to blame it on God. He wasn't the one who did it. The perp is. I mean, "Hello?" anybody home in there?

I would like to give my 2 cents here, as others say.

Yes, I do believe that God has absolutely nothing to do with it, as He did not do anything personally to us. But there is the other factor where we feel that because WE did not cause this upon ourselves, we like to find someone to blame for the effects of our causes, if that makes sense. PTSD has a way of distorting our belief system and for some more than others, it can cause great distortion and lack of meaning or have difficulty finding meaning. I am of both, but I find my struggle more with the latter.

 

[AS1975]

For the supporters, I cannot stress this enough - DO NOT PERSONALISE - when we withdraw, when we act pensive, or anxious, or shitty with the world, in all probability it is NOTHING to do with what you did, said, how you acted, or anything topical at all. Getting all shirty and personalising it, will tend to make sufferers get shitty with how you act, what you say, etc.

It wasn't the problem to begin with, but give us an opening or more appropriately, give us someone to blame and it will happen. It is ALWAYS easier to blame someone else for everything. Understand we cannot control how we act, feel, or seem some days, it isn't your fault, it has nothing to do with you in fact. I know that is hard to accept, but that is the nature of this illness. We can generally control it, mindfulness helps as does medication and treatment, but we cannot escape it. Coping with it is entirely up to us some days, don't butt in, it won't help anyone.

 

[safenow]

The first time a doctor told me I was terminal, I got so angry. After I left his office, I sat in the parking lot looking up at the sky. The day was beautiful, with blue sky and light clouds streaking across it. Birds were still singing, animals were still every where. Threes were till standing, flowers were still blooming. And I wasn't going to get to enjoy them anymore. I expected it to at least rain.

Then, I got home and just sat in my living room looking at my home. After a while of sitting there, I got angry again and started throwing my plants against the front door. I ripped the drapes off the window and turned my dining room table over. Then, I just sat there in front of my stereo in tears. I reached over and turned the radio on full volume and began to yell at God. How dare He do this to me at this time. Had I been so bad that He wasn't going to allow me happiness ever? Would I never see my babies on this earth? Was I not even worth another chance to get things right?

I vented for quit a while. When I was exhausted, I turned off the radio and looked around. Then I started laughing. The silly doctor had told me I'd never get any better to expect it to only get worse fro that day forth, yet here I'd had the strength to do that much damage. I hadn't had that much strength since the night my children were kidnapped when I broke every thing in my cupboards. Weak? HA. Not be able to use my legs again? HA. Not be able to draw again? HA. I'd show that doctor he's messing with a Child of the Most High God. You don't mess around with God's children. We might be different. We might not be like the rest of the world, but you know what. That's okay. It's still our right to be happy in spite of what anyone says.

After I cleaned up my mess I fell asleep. And you know what? I got better. I might be crazy. I might have PTSD and MPD, I might get depressed when I'm sad, I might get anxious when I'm scared, I might bubble over when I'm happy or excited, and I might be retarded, but you know what? I am not going to my Heavenly Home until God calls me home. And I'm sure He won't call me until I've finished what i came to earth to do. So nanner nanner. I happen to believe in miracles.

 

[safenow]

After I wrote that i realized, it was this last time. Not the first time. Never tell a person with PTSD that they can't do something they have a right to do. They just might jump up and knock your lights out.

Not that we want to hurt you, it's just we've been put down so much, once we find out we have the right to say no or do what we want to do, we don't allow anyone to put us down again.

Supporters, I love you. I admire you. I respect you. Please, allow me to cry once in a while. I have earned the right to be depressed from to time. I have earned the right to be angry from to time. So don't have me locked up for it. I just express myself different than you. I cry different than you do. I show depression different than you do. Okay?

 

[discarded]

I am still waiting for my miracle, still waiting for my sufferer to seek help, still waiting to be wanted as a supporter. Still waiting to hear him say he is sorry. I do believe in miracles and I do believe in God. I just don't think I can wait any longer.

 

[safenow]

You deserve better, discarded.

Still waiting to hear him say he is sorry

He may never say it. He might not realize he is being a jerk. There is no crime in saying, "enough. Either you get help, or I'm out of here." You need to protect yourself first. If you don't, then you become the sufferer.

 

[discarded]

Safenow, that is exactly what I did do. That was 5 months ago and he has not done a damn thing. He told me when I left that he was a jerk, he wasn't sorry though, that is him now and he is learning to live with himself being that way. He didn't blame me for leaving and he briefly thought about getting help. He said he decided to deal with it his own way, with alcohol, and it is my problem if I don't agree with his way of dealing with it. It has been a hard 5 months for me and I would assume for him too, but there is nothing I can do for him and he doesn't want me to anyway.

 

[safenow]

discarded, I'm sorry you are having that in your life. I suggest you write this off as a learning experience. And try to move on. You will probably cry over him for many years to come, but he is not at a place yet where he is at rock bottom. Until he gets to that spot, he won't get any better.

there is nothing I can do for him and he doesn't want me to anyway.

I'm sorry to say, that is the way it is with us sometimes. PTSD can really screw up many people's lives, not just the person who has it.

I had one good marriage and it ended because I had cancer and it set my PTSD off into a tail spin. My new husband couldn't handle it, and I don't blame him. He was a good man, and the best thing that had ever happened to me. But I hadn't hit rock bottom enough to know that back then. I got drunk and stayed drunk to try and bury my self-hatred and regrets. Not a good thing to do, but I didn't know what else to do. And back then, they didn't really know what to do for people like me. I'm not the "typical" PTSD sufferer.

 

[discarded]

Thanks safenow. It is our wedding anniversary on Friday, 28 years. It will be a very hard day for me. I am slowly letting go of the feeling that I have some how let him down, that I was his best supporter during his military career, kept the home fires burning, looked after our 4 kids and so on. But none of that means a damn thing anymore.

 

[safenow]

(((( discarded )))), if you allow me to hug you, it is a soft, safe, gentle hug, I promise.

 

[Sailorgal]

AS1975,

I think one thing lacking with PTSD is the the explanations are too physiological/psychoanalytical based. Simply put - we have INTERNAL injuries that operate like EXTERNAL ones. When you try and touch us and move us, we it is PAINFUL inside. Try moving a broken leg or hugging someone with 2nd or 3rd degree burns. Heck, sunburns on your back make people scream when touched.

Just because it's not a physical injury that you see, it is physical on the inside.