Living In The Past

[MagiLisu]

My problems started at school, I was bullied between the ages of 13 to 15 when I was finally taken out of school and had private tuition.I was bullied by nearly everyone in my school, towards the end of my time at school I didn't really have any friends at school and spent a lot of time on my own wishing I could disappear.

I never really 'dealt' with the bullying, I just pushed it too the back of my mind and didn't talk about it. My parents even tried to arrange therapy sessions for me but I spent most of those sessions avoiding the topics and quizzing them about confidentiality.

I spent a lot of years after being taken out of school going between feeling on top of the world to feeling like I was being suffocated by a black cloud. I felt a lot of anger towards the people who bullied me but at the same time I wished that I could be friends with them.

When I was 16 I met my first love, we were both as screwed up as each other looking back. We were together for a couple of years and it was a toxic relationship but at the same time they were some of the happiest moments of my life.

Towards the end of our relationship we weren't really talking and I ended up leaving my first love for my current partner. I didn't deal with the break up very well, I avoided my ex and didn't discuss the break up with anyone, I just pretended it didn't happen.

I have come to realize that in my mind I am still the scared school child who sees a threat around every corner, while at the same time being the person that is agonizing over the choice between my ex and my current partner.

I don't regret breaking up with my ex, I just regret how I handled it.

There are other issues but I would say these are my main two. At the end of the day everything also boils down to school and my ex.

Everyone around me has moved on but I can't. I am plagued by memories, dreams, and flashbacks. I have spoken to my therapist about all of this, and it helps for a few days but then I just go straight back to square one.

 

[aka]

I can relate I seem to stuck in the past as well. I know that dwelling on the past is not healthy but I seem to not be able to stay in present. Although I have just in the last two years let myself deal with feelings I had in grade school. When they happened I thought everything was normal so my feelings were invalid. Now that I know better I am angry at the people who did not protect me and I am also sad because it happened.

Some background on me. I went to a small church school in grade school. The school had grades 1-9 and about 20 kids with only two teachers. The teachers never had time to do one-on-one with me so the other kids in my grade (if I had any) had to teach me. The one girl I normal had to deal with could be very bossy and mean sometimes but she was usually the only one who would help me. The teachers also never supervised us so I was always keep myself away from a group of older boys who terrified me. One of the boys was a older brother to my friend and was the main person I feared. I still can't remember much of the times I had sleepovers at her house but a cousin has told me I was present at times of abuse there.

I don't have much experience with boyfriends so I not sure how much I can contribute on that part. I had one guy who was way more serious about a the relationship then I was. I wasn't used to having a friend let alone a boyfriend. He was always pushing me to be more physical with him (kissing, holding hands, hugs, stuff like that). I figured out later that I resented him for pushing me because I really did not want to do those things but I really didn't want him mad at me either.

I guess the purpose of my sharing is to show that you are not alone in being stuck in the past. Hope it makes you feel better knowing you are not alone. :)

 

[MagiLisu]

Thanks for your post aka.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have focused my anger at school on one person in particular. The person was suppose to be my friend but eventually they joined in the bullying and the rest of my 'friends' followed her. I had one teacher who was supportive towards the end but by then I suppose the damage had already been done because she was the one, along with my parents and my therapist at the time who got me removed from the school.

I go between blaming that person entirely and wishing all sorts of things on them to missing them like mad and wishing we were friends again. For years I had all sorts of dreams and would often wake up crying. My dreams of school however can go between being victimized one night, and then another turning into 'Rambo' and caused total destruction. According to my therapist this is fine:cautious:.

My relationship with my ex wasn't really a proper relationship I suppose, neither of us were ready emotionally or mentally for a relationship. We spent a lot of time talking, comparing battle scars, and playing mind games on each other. It wasn't healthy. Yet, I still miss it. Staying up until the early hours of the morning just talking (or arguing).

My current relationship is healthier, my partner is very supportive (or at least tries to be). We don't argue that much, but I don't talk to them like I did my ex because my partner doesn't to just discuss problems, everything has to have an answer and then be dealt with and forgotten.I know it's my not their fault, they grew up in a family where this is how they deal with things. Everything is black and white with no grey.

Sometimes I need to just ramble, even about something I have discussed before and apparently 'dealt' with. I don't really have anyone in 'real' life I can ramble to, apart from my therapist.

I think I have rambled enough:oops:

 

[intothelight]

As you work through the trauma with your therapist, you will find yourself less in the past and more in the present. Keeping working hard and it will get better. :)

 

[MagiLisu]

I spoke to my therapist today and she is going to try new techniques with me, up until now she has been approaching me using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) but she is thinking we may have to try something different so we will see. Today was mainly me just rambling on at her.

 

[safenow]

I spoke to my therapist today and she is going to try new techniques with me, up

That a good sign. I'm glad you have a good therapist. When one thing doesn't work, you try other things until you find what 'clicks' for you. I agree with intothelight, Keep working hard and it will get better.

Good luck.

 

[saffy]

Everyone around me has moved on but I can't.

I hated school for the same reasons, people bullying, but I put up with it because that was the only connection I had. My parents, huh, never protected or supported me and pushed me out so the bullies were my only companions. I was too scared to go to get help from anyone else as this was taboo and seen as grassing and you would get a beating for it. Disclosing my feelings was a no no. I would be shunded out into the abyss.

I left feeling really let down by people I thought were my friends. I wish I knew what I did now because they would never had got away with it. And I use this to never let it happen again.

They say with children that even negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Because of that I am very untrusting of peoples motives and manipulations and behaviour because they would be nice to my face, pretend they cared where really they did not, I was the but who made them look good, either sexually, strong or clever. I know now that they were just using me and I did not have the guts to stand alone and stop them. However, if someone out of the group confronted me I would beat the shit out of them. I guess that was my way of releasing and trying to get some control back.

It is interesting what you say about moving on, especially in regards to your ex. I think you need closure.

Because you have grown as a person you might realise that if it was now you would have said this or said that but because of the situation at the time and who you were at the time you never really got the chance, maybe? Either through fear or confusion?

So are these things are still playing on your mind? If you were to meet your x today, what would you say to him now? And if someone treated you like this now what would you do? Have you learnt from the past to deal with the future and the now better?

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

They say with children that even negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Growing up, I so wanted to be protected from harm and evil. I wanted someone to care about me. So, when they called it love, I thought that was what love was. I'm so glad it wasn't real love. To me, real love is caring about the other person. Not hurting them or neglecting them. Protecting them from harm and evil when you can. Doing your very best for that person.

Being neglected is a horrible thing. You can wither and die. I am so glad I had the animals when I was a child.

 

[saffy]

I so wanted to be protected from harm and evil. I wanted someone to care about me.

I still do safenow :(

I just cannot trust anyone with me now, everyone in my past has just caused hurt and pain. I think if my 'parents' and family did not then why should I trust a stranger too.

If someone shows me any affection my emotions go into overdrive and I run for the hills or push them away. How do I know that their motives are genuine? am I setting myself up for a fall? I have never been strong enough emotionally to let them in to try.

I needed animals when I was young too :)

Magilisu, I am glad you have found someone, that shows you have moved on much more than you think :)


best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

How do I know that their motives are genuine? am I setting myself up for a fall?

You never know what another person's motives are. I live alone. I find it safer for me that way.

 

[saffy]

Me too safenow. :hug: Don't like it though as I have a lot of love inside to give. :)

Hope you are well today. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[MagiLisu]

Because you have grown as a person you might realise that if it was now you would have said this or said that but because of the situation at the time and who you were at the time you never really got the chance, maybe?

either through fear or confusion?

So are these things are still playing on your mind?

If you were to meet your x today, what would you say to him now?

And if someone treated you like this now what would you do?

Have you learnt from the past to deal with the future and the now better?

best wishes
Saffy :)

If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have endured what happened to me at school for so long. Although, I am not sure what I could have done differently. My therapist has made me realize that I was a child who couldn't stand up for herself. I did nothing wrong, it was them.This however doesn't make it any easier.

As for my ex, I think in some respects I do need proper closure. I have actually spoken to my ex about our break up before. My ex initiated first contact actually. My ex had a 'problem' which really resembled the way we broke up. In the problem my ex was in the position I was in when we broke up.

I gave my ex advice and we then started speaking about our relationship and it was really nice, my ex then got really cold with me and started ignoring me. When I confronted my ex about it, my ex told me that I can talk to them whenever I want but we are not friends, and never will be.

I wish my ex had just left me alone. My ex effectively came back into my life, dragged up the past, and then just left. I was struggling a lot with guilt and moving on and wishing I had done things differently before my ex did that, so it really hasn't helped. My ex knew I felt guilty about our break up before all this happened, so I really struggled to understand what happened and why they did it.

I have spoken to some friends about what my ex did and they all agreed that it wasn't right coming to me and then turning on me. One friend in particular thinks they did it out of revenge, but that friend has a very negative way of thinking anyway.I have ignored my ex since. I go through periods of anger and then periods of missing my ex.

I think my main problem with school and with my ex is that even if I 'know' things, I still don't 'feel' them. I know I am not a child anymore and that the bullies have all grown up and moved on. They probably don't even remember me or realize that they stiff affect me. I know that breaking up with my ex was for the best and that I am now in a much better relationship.

My head knows these things but my heart is constantly on red alert.