Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Abstract]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/i-kinda-hate-my-therapist-some-seeking-advice-long-post.30823/#post-504859[/DLMURL]

:inlove: Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

PS. thank you for saying all this stuff is 'normal' (under the circumstances).

:inlove: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, dear Abstract, sounds like you're right, that 99% is the being stable or healthy enough to be strong enough to face stuff. I think Bloom said it so well, Hashi also. And also I guess it's a good indicator when our feelings (or ourselves) collapse or unsure it's more like this stuff rearing it's ugly head.

Perhaps in fact, 99% of this stuff is working on the safety and stabilizing part. Because then it's not only more sane but until then how can we retain or make a new life or new memories, like Bloom said.

I'm a bad offender, too; it's like saying "Hurry up and relax!" :rolleyes:

:hug:

PS, I'm sorry you "get" that too bruised to be touched explanation. Mind you, time and the right conditions help, right? Not re-injuring bruises through others or ourselves.

We'll get there Abstract, ((((((((Hugs)))))). (Soft one! :) )

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe Abstract, it's the incomprehensible-ness of being treated better by others than we treat ourselves, or feel that we are worth, that is hard to accept?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thinking about it, or recalling, I remember my mom spending countless hours playing with me, or games or we'd go to the park or beach spontaneously, etc., so much patience. And my dad and I, for 6 years I could come with him to work, when out of school at least, from 1 or 2 am on (it was great fun).

I really do think, that a great reason why no one knew stuff was I (willfully) chose to keep it to myself. Perhaps I was given that message, but it really (at least so much), was due to me, I think. I was aware of what was going on around me.

I think where my thoughts are, my feelings follow. So I'm going to try to break it down small, and hopefully positive or neutral versus negative. And concentrate on other stuff. I hope. I so relate to that post of Bloom's, about new memories for survival, and pushing through, etc.

 

[Abstract]

Gentle support to you Junebug. :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you dear Abstract. :hug:

Well, after covering all but one shift additional requested of me (and continuing do so so), was reamed out out of the blue by my scheduling clerk/ superior, as to having made schedule changes I've submitted verbally and in writing confirmed every 2 weeks for the past 4-5 months. :( Said clients have a waiting list to follow; to my knowledge all of mine are happy and requesting nothing (no changes), based on their verbal feedback. Realize the 'reaming out' is a trigger. Said best then to not spend the time filling in another shift today, but instead request an office meeting with (new) office head. She said I could not; I said yes I could, when it pertains to an unsustainable schedule for myself (daily), and will burn me out. She phoned back on other pretense, I stayed matter-of-fact and positive and said I just wanted to be clear, if I was now directed to go back to the ('unmodified', as it were), schedule of 5 months ago, finish even later for same pay, with much extra effort (walking, even more trips than the 16 I make now), and to the chagrin of clients. She said no, continue the same and "do the best you can". Excuse me?

I wonder if it has anything to do with issues of her own. After this latest 9 day stretch I may rethink filling in. Though I am paid, so maybe not.

Irregardless, probably more (mostly) due to triggering, I feel discouraged and disheartened. Had a heart-to-heart with 'God' last night, and tried to apply those principles for anxiety and depression. Whether this is radical acceptance or not, am feeling trapped (or acknowledging it) within my life, job, relationships, well sad within them. Or maybe I'm sad in general, or triggered. Or maybe I'm tired of being surrounded by triggers, much at work, many at home. And of people being bothered.

I guess, extremely unrealistically, I wish the world was a bit of a kinder place, everything didn't take Herculean effort, that I could be somewhere or do something or be around people where I belonged, or was wanted, vs tolerated. I mean, not that I get that feedback at work. But I mean in my real life, that things would matter to me and I just had the means and energy to live. Not that I'm not extremely thankful to be working, vs not. I try to think of 3 days off every 2 weeks in a row in the summer will be nice. But it's not really enough to give me reason to live, if that makes sense. The thought of keeping this up indefinitely is awful. I try to think, maybe it's "God's way" of forcing me to look for other work and/ or quit smoking. But it seems impossible I will ever in my life get off this wheel. I am feeling more and more disconnected to people, myself, God to some degree, or even my life.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if there is any point writing here, but was thinking, while I was busy feeling like "I'm floating off.." :(

Pretty sure, but can't remember (thankfully), suicide attempt was in october (end) and february, I think. But that made me check something up, felt the same and melted down in february last year, too. And know I usually do at Halloween. Not sure if that is the cause- perhaps unlikely- but maybe other things at those times of year I can't remember are triggering me now. Because something must have occurred at those times to get to the end of the line? Not sure, but I know 'something' happened that makes february horrendous, I 'know', but I can't recall 'what', just one of those memories I can't remember. Maybe it's a lot 'that'?

 

[Tinyflame]

*****Please, no one read or be careful as it may be triggering. Only go to last line, instead.

When I did the second suicide attempt (if it was start of 1984, or late 1983?), well I learned about 2 months ago, it is described as the most painful method that can be chosen in existence, and that frequently people die a month or so after if it's not 'successful' at the time. I was hospitalized (for physical issues) in january/ february 1984, never related it to that because I didn't know. And much else was going on (including self-harm, abuse really).

You asked Abstract, what makes it ('me', that I have done), so bad. Part of it was that and what it put my mom through.

Saying this only because, "you're only as sick as your sickest secrets", right. :( I am very ashamed. I am sorry to write it here, too.

I remember too, melting down in februaries past, when I think of it. Remember talking to friends here on the forum. Never knew why, exactly. And I can recall some partial memories, (then or otherwise). Not sure about anyone else, but one in particular was torturous. And I try to guard against "false memories". And 'february's memory' I don't want to ever remember, that would be better.

I'm so sorry if this disturbs anyone. :(

Hugs to all, ((((((((Hugs)))))).

 

[Tinyflame]

They thought I had kidney and liver failure and internal bleeding, but there was no explanation 'why' and I lied about all of it. :(

Oh God, I've got to put on a :) and go to work. :(

I was going to confess it to my mom before she died, but I weighed it in my heart and for HER sake (truly), did not. She didn't need to have to deal with that, fighting the battle she was, on top of everything else, and feeling like she did.

But nothing will ever make up for that, or putting her through that. :(

 

[Abstract]

And 'february's memory' I don't want to ever remember, that would be better.

I am sorry about february's Junebug. I think anniversaries can be very hard for many of us and I also understand only thinking something happened and not remembering properly. But a starting point is that your feelings are legitimate and real and important regardless and you deserve to honour them.

as no explanation 'why' and I lied about all of it.

I can totally understand that and am very sorry that you were in a situation like that.

Part of it was that and what it put my mom through.

Imagine for a minute that you had a daughter and she was hurt or in distress or had hurt herself or been hurt by someone. Would you want her to keep it to herself and suffer alone and not involve you at all? If you dog was hurt would you rather not know and have it lick its wounds alone? Or would you feel that you had been wronged if either happened?

Loving someone sometimes comes with worrying about them but that is a normal part of love. Love is not onesided - it should not be. It is a mutual caring and giving of support.

I wonder if you can take just a tiny bit of that compassion for yourself and your suffering and your hurt in this situation. I see zero reason to ask anyone for forgiveness from what you say. Maybe just yourself for being so harsh and judging of you when you were hurting so much. Much compassion to that hurt you from the past from me and zero judgement. :inlove:

 

[Abstract]

Just a little question Junebug but please don't feel obliged to answer. Just trying to get an idea of the behaviours you say you are so ashamed of and that make you say you understand your sisters behaviour for example.

Your sister has been physically abusive at times. She has also said things to you such as that you are nuts; that you should kill yourself; she has insulted you; you say she thinks you are a :poop: and tells you that frequently and that you have ruined her life.

I wondered if you wanted to check off how many of those you have done to others and how much it happens. No pressure though! :inlove: