Living With A "startle-response" - Any Suggestions?

[rainy_daze]

There are a few threads in Symptoms & Other Disorders which make reference to being startled, but I wasn't sure if what I had to say was entirely relevant to what the first poster in each was talking about, so here goes:

I scream out loud when I get a fright. It has become something that is funny to my family/loved ones and sort of bewilders my friends who apologise profusely, which only adds to me feeling guilty and being unable to calm down for a while.

I think when my partner comes home, he should make sure I know it is him - even if shouting to let me know it's him will alert my body and brain, at least I know it is him. Sometimes he walks in and I scream because it takes me a second to realise it's him. I'm starting to worry the neighbours will try and have me committed to a psych ward at this rate. Other times, my siblings think it's a laugh to try and scare me so I scream. Other times, they're like "Oh calm down, for Godsake, you can't be gettting a fright that badly". Well, guess what? I cannot help it. If they could feel what my heart and body feels like, maybe they would understand and stop it.

Peronally, I think people should stop giving me frights, as I call them. It isn't funny to me. Stop sneaking up on me, you silly people. Stop banging loudly on my front door and scaring me, you silly people. You know I have PTSD. However, people are people and I should accept that they can't constantly walk on egg shells or modify their behaviour, because it is my problem to fix.

I cannot get anyone else to change, so I am wondering how I can stop this from happening. Maybe I can't. However, if anyone has any suggestions on what they do to calm themselves down after a scream of PTSD that would be appreciated. The scream is so embarassing, and if I don't scream people around me can still see how stressed I am. If there was any symptom I could minimise, or cure, I would like it to be this one. I would like to stop being so easily startled.

I know everyone gets frights, but it's hurting my body and causing a bit embarassment out and about in the world outside my home. Anybody else have the scream of not recognising the person looking back at you? Or have silly people they know who find your frights funny? Or take a while (maybe 10 minutes at least) to calm their body down and reassure themselves everything is ok? Any suggestions on how to manage this?

I know some grounding techniques already from therapy. I think I need to manage this in any way that I can, as it makes me shout at my partner not to sneak up on me and it isn't his fault, it's mine.

 

[Abstract]

I am sorry they are doing that to you.

I have at times screamed though I mostly just jump. And yes my husband does think it is funny and did start giving me frights. And it was not funny at all. I don't take myself seriously and can laugh at myself so in some situations I can see that it must look comical but frightening me on purpose is not OK. Oh, and I do half joke and say I am going to out a cow bell around his neck so that he doesn't surprise me!

I had to have a few assertive conversations and state that it was not OK to frighten me and say that I found it upsetting and painful.

I agree that we can't blame others for setting us off unintentionally but doing anything on purpose is not OK.

What you can do about it?
From what I know the best thing is to bring down your general levels of fight and flight. Some people find regular medication and mindfulness helpful. Affirmations may also help. And regular grounding is worth a go as is deep diaphragm breathing.

I don't know if you have looked at the article on the PTSD Stress Cup but that may help you too. Search for it and you should find it.

I wonder if you could get your family to read some information on PTSD as they obviously have no understanding of it. There is a lot of good info on here.

You are not crazy and your body is just stuck in high alert.

 

[NarcSis]

Definitely not crazy. At the beginning my husband used to sneak up on me but unlike before my trauma when I'd jump, laugh and playfully slap him, I'd feel like I was on the ceiling, I'd scream and my heart would start pounding, the tears would start and it would take a good 10 - 20 minutes just to not be afraid.

We soon learned it was a symptom and he tries to never come up on me unannounced. To this day I will startle but not nearly as badly as I did in the beginning.

It gets better with time.

 

[rainy_daze]

@Abstract and Medic72: Thank you both for replying. (I will look up "affirmations"; I wasn't too sure what you meant by that Abstract).

My family know I have PTSD. Maybe they just think I should be better by now?

Eventually my partner learned to announce that he is in and helped me to minimise the fear. He says sorry for giving me frights, which is appreciated, and I know he doesn't mean to. I hear the door and think it's an intruder coming in. I'm working on it. I would really like to not get startled so easily as I feel physically fragile. I still get a lot of frights, but it less than when we first lived together, and I appreciate that he understands and tries as best he can.

Unfortunately I don't think the rest of my family will change (so it is up to me to get better and learn to deal with it). They are supportive in other ways, but in the end, I think they just don't really get it. Most of them understand depression, but not PTSD. They get disappointed if I just want to be alone, don't understand what it's like when I get startled, tell me to "take a joke" or "oh for Godsake, you can't have got a fright that badly" etc. I have spoken to them about PTSD and most of the time it feels as if they roll their eyes internally.

As Medic said though, it gets better with time, and I need to put some more work in to get myself out of this feeling. I need to find motivation from inside to start meditating, breathing better, eating better, sleeping better and lots of things. Thank you both for understanding, it helped me a lot.

 

[rainy_daze]

I realise you said regular medication Abstract, and I read it as meditation. My medication stopped working a long while ago, and I never found one that wasn't awful. Which means I am a no medication PTSD fighter. Maybe that isn't a good idea, but when I was diagnosed they thought I would make a full recovery, and I think I will, without medication and enough work on myself. I'm trying to find out more about affirmations, so hopefully I can use something like that to help. Namaste. xx

 

[Springer80]

Hi Rainy-daze...

I'm can't help feeling angry reading your posts...I admire and understand your solution driven attitude but what they are doing every time is giving you a massive and toxic level of adrenaline hit. That will effect your health physiologically, and make no doubt delay your recovery.

What they are doing is the equivalent of picking a scab off or removing stitches, if your perpetually triggered for somebody else's amusement how will you achieve enough equilibrium to have the stability to tackle the big stuff?

I don't mean to 'get on your case' or anything...and it is a hard thing for other non sufferers to appreciate but you deserve, at the very least, not to actively be made more on edge.

Are the people who internally 'roll their eyes' at you in any way responsible or party to your PTSD? Are they denying you support to defend their own interests?

One final thing...if nothing else fails you could try scaring the living crap out of them instead, repeatedly, until they can't physically bear it. Just a thought! :)

 

[rainy_daze]

@Springer80: Oh, I would be lost without my family. I love them so much. It's 1am in the UK and I can't really process your post very well at the moment (silly brain), but I will try to respond.

My partner is doing so much better with coming into the house, and I admire him so much for it. You wouldn't have to do that with a girlfriend who didn't have PTSD. You could just walk in the house and there wouldn't be a frightened woman standing there, heart racing, waiting to see who it is. He is the best thing to ever happen to me, and I have never opened up to anyone as much as I have to him.

I wouldn't describe the sibling frights as a perpetual thing, it's just a long running joke (as in, years and years), to give me frights. It used to be very funny. Maybe I am just over sensitive to it all now. I now say the phrase "You just shaved another day off my life, thanks", and I really mean it. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I will live as long as I could if I was normal, because my heart won't take it. I get frights from lots of things, it isn't just the daft people trying to give me them.

It isn't done with evil intentions or anything, I assure you Springer80, we just have a family dynamic of frightening each other. A sort of game. I stopped giving my mum frights a while ago because she is older and I don't want to give her a heart attack. We laugh about some of the amazing frights we have all given each other over the years. Maybe it's a Scottish thing? We also have a history of verbally slagging each other, which is also something I handle well sometimes and see the funny side, but not always.

I cut off the one family member who ruined my brain with abuse. The responsible person for my PTSD, type 1 trauma, or whatever label they shove onto it. He is just a simple biological father now, who isn't allowed near me and can no longer hurt me. I wouldn't say any of the family I am referring to in the first post have any negative intentions towards me - they just think the frights I get are funny, and they probably really are to them sometimes. Hopefully that responds to your post. Please don't feel angry, I probably never worded the posts very well and made them out to be baddies when they actually aren't. Although I completely understand people think I should sit them down and tell them not to, I think I have just bored my family enough with talk of PTSD that I don't want to mention it anymore unless I have to.

Thanks for replying Springer. xx

 

[MissMacD]

I used to have a startle response to a toaster popping. It was the worst when I was hospitalized as any time I went into the kitchen the toaster was constantly popping. Thankfully I have become mostly desensitized to it.

What has worked for my other startle responses (not all are noises, many are smells and sights) is Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It has helped me to address the things that caused the response and brought a great deal of peace to my life. It's worth at least trying once - I've suffered so long that I was willing to do anything to get better.

CBT teaches your brain to become aware when you react to something and it helps to create new healthier responses to the triggers.

I hope you find peace very soon :)

 

[safenow]

If you would like some affirmations, you are welcome to go to my diary, "how it began" pages 13, Item 324 and page 15, item 346. Affirmations from the book: Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal, by Belleruth Naparstek. Here is a sample of some:

I salute my own courage, commitment, and persistence and my efforts to reclaim my strength.

More and more, I know that my heart can heal with the vast energy of its own loving kindness.

I know that I have things to do, gifts to give, purposes to accomplish. I require my full strength and courage and peace of mind for this.

More and more, I know that my suffering has meaning, and I will understand this in my own time.

I recommend you say them out loud. Your ears need to hear them to help get rid of the old tapes in your mind. Good luck.

 

[rainy_daze]

I hope you find peace very soon :)

Thank you MissMacD (I am in something called Cognitive Analytic Therapy - or Analytical? - just now, but it is coming to an end). I appreciate the advice and the well wishes. It's great to hear you found something that helped to desensitive, or minimise, your reaction to the noise. I was cooking dinner earlier, and the cooker buzzer went off and my insides (and outside) jumped. I thought to myself that everyone gets startled sometimes, but I need to learn to start calming my body down (and let go of the stress that is physically plaguing me).

I recommend you say them out loud. Your ears need to hear them to help get rid of the old tapes in your mind. Good luck.

Thank you too, safenow, for the good luck, pointing me in the direction of the book, as well as the sections of your posts in another thread. I am off to read them now. I liked the idea of saying them aloud, but possibly when my partner isn't in or he'll think I'm talking to myself. I will use the one about "gifts to give" in my head when I feel worthless around people who actually like me to challenge a negative thinking pattern.

I would like to write some of my own affirmations, and share them with the Psychologist at my next session. I will add that to my to do list (along with the book title, which I might be able to find at the library).

 

[Abstract]

medication

Oh sorry! Typo as it was supposed to be meditation.

they just don't really get i

Rainydayz, I certainly don't want to add pressure to you so I really hope this doesn't do that. I am just really concerned. It does not need others to purposely injure us for us to be injured. And that the injuring is unintentional also does not somehow make it Ok or acceptable.

When I started assertiveness work I thought assertiveness was about changing someone else mind or asking for and getting cooperation from someone. When the penny finally dropped (after masses/years of therapy) I realised it isn't that at all. Assertiveness is not about asking asking for a boundary and is about us laying a boundary down. It isn't about getting someone to change their mind and is about taking responsibility for our own wellbeing. It isn't about hoping for understanding or cooperation and is rather about a considered statement of needs with possible consequences if needed.

Your family can roll their eyes to their hearts content but you can state that you no longer want these jokes to happen. That you understand it is done with no ill intend but that it is not funny for you and you hope they can listen to you even though they cannot understand. That in order to take care of your health you will have to ..... if they do not adhere to what you need to happen. (possibly leave the premises immediately for example and you need to follow through on what you say)

If you want to you can add that you love them and know they love you. But really this is not OK for you.

I hope this doesn't feel bossy. Please know it is all up to you. This is just what I would do. I have realised that things like this are the difference between survival and not for me personally.

I like the affirmation ideas! :)

 

[rainy_daze]

Assertiveness is ... about us laying a boundary down ... and is about taking responsibility for our own wellbeing ... a considered statement of needs with possible consequences if needed ... you can state that you no longer want these jokes to happen.

It doesn't feel bossy at all Abstract, it's very good advice. I have tried to talk to them recently about this, but in reality they don't listen and I can't make them listen. I could try again, but it feels pointless to do so. I have even had my trust broken over something recently, and realise now not to tell family members something that they will just go and repeat to other family members, even though I specifically said not to. No apologies for this happening, even though I asked for them.

I really understand the assertiveness ideas because they make logical sense. However, if people aren't willing to listen to reason, or don't really listen to a word that you are saying because you are being "over-sensitive", then I'm not really sure what else I can do, other than learning to take care of myself better (which is something I have not been good at for a very long time).

I have been told by a counsellor (several years ago now) that I need to work on my boundaries, I have also been told that I lack assertiveness, but I've never quite figured out how to do work on either things. I will bring this issue up at my next counselling appointment (I am writing a letter to the psychologist as part of counselling, so I can add it into that).

I love them all in spite of their flaws, and I know they love me in spite of mine. I would feel lost without them. They wind me up sometimes, and I guess I feel like I should be able to cope with the sort of games (cannot think of a better word) we used to play with each other, because these kind of things never used to get to me. I could laugh at the frights I would get, and I find it very difficult to do that anymore.

Hopefully that makes sense Abstract. This is how I will take responsbility for my own wellbeing, hopefully by learning to cope better, by calming my body down, by "grounding" and looking after myself. All of these things.