First Time Serious Suicidal Thinking.

[Abstract]

Greenfrog,
I should not have offered up so many opinions without knowing more detail about what was happening for you. I am glad you got to see the wedding and managed to get some enjoyment out of it. :)

Maybe the first good place to start is to consider all possible reactions that could result if/when you contact your father. It does sound like it is worth a try. I have found being as well prepared as possible helps me deal with what comes after.

What do you think the easier and more difficult parts are likely to be? Realistically what types of help do you think you father can and is likely to give you?

It might also be worth working on a letter to explain the situation to him as it sounds like there is a lot to say if you want to get his support.

Take care.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Maybe the first good place to start is to consider all possible reactions that could result if/when you contact your father.

Hi Abstract! It has been hard for me to deal with the suggestions being made - if I was only dealing with the PTSD then I think they would be really good, but in light of the catastrophe that is now my life I really believe that I have few choices but to seek help from my family - it is a bit risky, but the alternative appears to be far, far worse.

I am trying to sort out what to say to him, but do think that I will need to disclose quite a bit so that he can understand just how unwell I am and how dire my situation is - I may even get my doctor to call him as she thinks that contacting him in such an "emergency" situation is warranted.

I have been considering his possible reactions which are 1/ yes, 2/ no, 3/ maybe! Any of these will pose challenges for me and any outcome will be unbelievably hard for me to follow through on. Still working on this one! But I do know that I will need to have my emotions in check and be willing to support him as much as he ends up supporting me, possibly even more. I think that once my brother's have gotten over the shock of me getting in touch, they will be willing to help re-build the family.

I think that the hardest part was making the initial contact - as I was terrified that I would get no reply at all! Thanks to support form cousin, uncle, aunt we have been able to be in touch. It is still early days and I expect that this will be the next hardest part - for me all this is going to need to happen fairly fast, faster that I would prefer, and faster I am sure than they would like.

The support that I need is both moral and financial. It has become increasingly important to me that we can care for each other, show our love and provide reassurance and encouragement. On the financial side: I really think that the healthiest option for me is to get out of the city I am living in. To do this I would needs some funds to re-locate, and somewhere to live when I get to Melbourne. My dad certainly has room for me! It would be really hard for us to start sharing a house - no matter how big! But as I think that I will be able to bring myself to see a therapist once there, I should be able to address whatever issues we have with professional support.

Other than this I plan to continue working part time as the two companies that I work for are national businesses and I should be able to transfer the work that I do for them interstate (might take some time, but I think this can happen).

Oddly enough I think that once I am out of this town I will be much more able to deal with all of my issues as I will not have all the reminders and difficulties staring me in the face every day!

 

[safenow]

I may even get my doctor to call him as she thinks that contacting him in such an "emergency" situation is warranted.

That might be a very good idea.

 

[GreenFrog2]

safenow - maybe - I just don't know....

I "ran away" from them because I could not bear to be hurt any more, I was frightened, I was so tired of the craziness, I just wanted peace. I stayed away for the same reasons.

Now I want to deal with all of this - maybe it is too late. I don't know if they will want to or if they will understand just how depressed I was then, and how tired of it all I was and how confused - how it was all totally beyond me. I also really don't know if they will believe how exhausted and bereft I am now - how damaged! If I had turned to them for help when my adult trauma had happened maybe they could have helped me to deal with it, but I have so much self-doubt now that I just don't know.....

Am dealing with financial stuff today - and that is really not helping me to keep an even keel....

 

[GreenFrog2]

Now I am boiling over with rage :mad: I did a small job a few months ago, and the other person involved made some MAJOR mistakes. She got into a lot of trouble because of this, and I got my butt kicked for good measure (that's life I thought).

I was allocated a job to do with her again last week, and have just been advised that they don't want me to go back to their office! So she makes a mistake and I loose work - that I really, really can't afford to loose. She still has her job - god it is so unfair. Really it is.

Ready to fall apart again - constantly worried about money and not getting enough work as it is. This could have some serious repercussions as well as the company she works for has several offices here and I am now worried that the other offices will also request that I not go to them!!!!!

Why me? Hurting too much. I want all this crap to stop - I need to rest. I want my life back. God I hate her so much - she was an utter bitch and this kind of stupid, petty retaliation from her really harms me - I feel like I am chocking with anger, and the tears won't stop. This is just too much for me.

What can I that we help me to solve all of these practical problems? Self-soothing might make me feel a little better for awhile, but it wont pay the rent or put food on the table.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Me again:confused:

I am using this thread today to help me stay away from suicidal thoughts - it is so incredibly hard to fight them that I am going to try and not let them happen for now - they are just thoughts, I don't have to listen to them, I don't have to act on them, they are just thoughts! If they come I will fight them no matter how hard they try to take over.

After my music and meditation finished I was thinking about what to tell my dad. I know that I will need to tell him about how unwell I am - that's pretty much a given.

Adult Trauma
What I can't work out is how much to tell him my adult trauma - do I need to tell him any of the details - at least early on? I think I can cope if he has a general idea, but I don't want to share the details yet.

Our falling out - we were all so confused and hurting - would it be any use to try and re-hash all of it? I want to tell him that I went back - the day that I drove away and couldn't even say goodbye - I only got to the end of the street and was so devastated by what had happened, been said, all the good things that were never said - I turned my car around and I went back.

I want to hug him and cry and tell him how much I hurt, and then sit down and try to talk about it.

He was not there. 5 minutes, and he was not in the house - I called out to him and got no answer, I looked around and could not find him. He had gone out. I know that he was as upset as me, maybe he went to see a neighbor friend, maybe he 'hid' because he was so upset. I do not know.

Why didn't I wait? I was heartbroken, exhausted, jealous, and so very, very angry. I wanted my dad and I wanted him to fix everything, but I got in my car and I drove away. Now here we are 13 years later - and I still don't know what to say to him.

I am sure / I know that he tried to be in touch with me several times. I think that he contacted my university to find out if I was ok, and may have talked to some friends as well - not sure if this happened or comments made by the friends justed sounded like he may have.

I had contact with my older brother a few times in the first couple of years after I left my dad, but this was always really hard for both of us - my brother would try to raise the issue and I would be speechless - I simply could not say anything at all about it.

I love him so much, I miss him even more. And I think that I have left it to late to do anything about it. Why was I so hard on him and why have I been so hard on myself - I have seen my life fall apart around me, and still I would not contact him. Have I done this to hurt him, or to hurt myself - to try to prove a point? I have hurt both of us beyond anything either of us deserved, and my brothers as well.

How unwell was I then to do such a stupid thing - to tear myself away from my dad. And to be so f*cking withdrawn for so long. I am sure that he loved me - I know he tried so much to sort out the problems that were occurring, but he was not so well then either.

Why did I keep such as chasm between us all and why have I resisted every opportunity to re-connect before now.

I have waited and resisted and kept myself away because he was not there when I went back - it really is that simple. I have rarely thought about this because the emotional and physical pain is almost unbearable.

I was so hurt, betrayed, angry and jealous! I must have wanted to hurt him as much as I was hurt by him not being there when I went back.

Oh God - just how horrible have I been. To push him away and to stay away. To hurt both of us so much - surly being in touch with him (no matter what happened) could not possibly be as bad as what I feel now and what I have done. Oh God, what have I done?

How on earth do I fix this?

 

[ms spock]

OH GreenFrog2,

I am so glad that you are still hanging in there through this tought time!

Best wishes to you!

 

[GreenFrog2]

It is amazing how many memories can flood back in 20 minutes - all the things my dad said to me, so, so harsh and for so long - he must have been really unwell. And I was obviously not able to cope - every cell in my body hurts - the guilt, the shame, the grief, the lost hope, the confusion, the fear, the remorse, the anxiety.

What on earth can I do to fix this?

The child in me is watching in stunned awe as I sit here and cry and write - so much pent up "junk" is being let out - all the accumulated rubbish:
The adult in me: well she can't believe it either.

DaDumm - there is more to come...... I will put it in a new post - am doing this so that I can keep track of what I am doing and saying!

 

[GreenFrog2]

I went for a bike ride yesterday and it was really hot and windy. "I" wanted to come home and all of a sudden there I was riding along with my inner child and "I" / myself (parent - not my parents, but me as the adult) were having a perfectly rational conversation about how to address the issues of riding or going home.

My inner child was happy to continue as she was feeling happiness at being out riding, but "I" wanted to come home as it was to hard to keep going.

My inner child started to chatter encouragement, and offer guidance, on how to keep going "I" was quite confused at first, thinking 'what's going in here?'

My inner child suggested that it would be easy to manage the ride of 30 minutes if we broke it down in 5 minute parts. "I" accepted that this could work, and asked what then?

My inner child told me that in each 5 minutes there would be hard bits, but to just recognize them and let them pass. "I" did this - it was not so difficult.

As each "hard thought" happened I just acknowledged it and reasoned that it would pass and checked of how far I had come, and how far I had to go and recognized that I could cope.

My inner child offered reassurance that I was going well, and could do it. She was also really enjoying the fun of the experience.

This was totally weird for me. I have been doing lots of mindfulness meditation and inner child work, but I had not expected that the inner child and "I" would be able to have such clear conversations nor that they would be able to cooperate in such a way - only done 4 of these sessions.

Thinking back it seems that the inner child was 'in control' of herself, but that the "adult" me was not doing very well.

No doubt there is a message in this - now that I am acknowledging my inner child she is able to express herself and feeling a bit safe and confidant enough to 'come out and be involved'. This just might explain all the emotions....

As for the adult 'me' - she certainly needs some help in coping - if a bike ride is too much to handle it's not surprising that all the things I have to deal with are far to much. Am sure that my inner child will eventually be able to assist, but it is early days yet........

In the mean time I will keep in meditating and doing an inner child session of two a week (that's all that I can cope with for now). Maybe I will be able to resolve the contacting my father conundrum this way, but would still love comments on this from others.

PS: Also I am wondering if me as an adult is punishing my inner child (wanting to stop bike ride) because that is what my mother did to me, what me and my dad and brothers did to each other. Did I stop contact to punish my dad or myself or both of us?

 

[GreenFrog2]

From Junebug in 'any practical suggestions":
99% is the being stable or healthy enough to be strong enough to face stuff and
I think being at the end of one's rope makes drastic changes seem to be the only alternative.

Oh Junebug, thank you so much for saying this - because I am not well enough to deal with all the stuff in my life and it is so hard for me to recognize and accept this this. I am far to exhausted to deal with anything myself - and am going to have to find someone to help me with the material / practical things on my plate - I simply need help.

 

[GreenFrog2]

From abstract in "any practical suggestions:"

I read somewhere that the perpetrator dumps their emotions and shame and rage onto us when they assault us. And so we are saddled with their feelings. But they don't belong to us they belong to them.

I believe somewhere inside of me that this is what both my mum and dad did to me. I am sure that my dad was in a really dark place when he got abusive, but I could not understand it. I was so hurt and frightened and scared and confused. I want to talk to him about this, but may never be able to. I really don't know if he and I will ever be able to talk about this sort of stuff - even if he can and does help me deal with all my issues.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Not sure that coming here now is such a good idea. I am feeling really washed out after all my posts yesterday, and a really good chat with another member - we have so much in common from the emotional and copig perspective it was very supportive and cathartic to be able to talk.

I then had a very solid nights sleep which is uncommon for me - exhausted from all the soul searching yesterday I think! I need to work a bit later so don't want to work myself up or wear myself out at the moment......