Something I Did Not Expect So Soon (good Thing)

[winterose]

Part of who I was that I kept safe was my music. During my abuse and being held by asshole, he used to like to hear me play. The one thing I had to escape became a vice or a double edged sword. I ended up walking away from my talent because I did not know how to deal with that injury. Music would open up things for me in ways I can't verbalize.

Upon his death something started stirring inside of me again. My music. My soul. So I been hunting for violas again and talking to a music teacher to restart again. I want my soul back. I need my music again. I need to feel that time and space of deep creativity again. I need to find away to get out what I can't verbalize.

This realization hit me hard today. I had no desire just twinges here and there, Then suddenly bam this came up so hard and forceful. I sat up and listened. I saw myself playing again. I felt it. I remember the sweet exhaustion of working hard on a piece to the point I'd see the notes in my sleep. I'd see and feel the rhythm.

I have not allowed myself to be this involved with my music or talent for a long while. I have a curiosity again. A sense of child's wonder with it again. An openness to the raw form of the art. I am humbled and in awe that something I tried to "kill" and bury, to forget the pain associated with my talent, has woken up. A tiny bud of life pushing through a spring's melting snow. Heh.

 

[Sailorgal]

How beautiful that you have rediscovered or gained it back Winterose! I hope as you play your passion for your art continues to inspire and strengthen you. No one can steal the music away!

After my abuse, I completely shut down and after some time, I played here and there as I missed it. I struggled at first because that same joy wasn't there. Months later when my fog had lifted, I could "hear the music" like it was the first time and it flooded my soul. May the music never stop for us! :whistling:

 

[safenow]

A gift I had for Christmas was being able to sit at the piano and play a piece again. I had to really concentrate, as my eye hand coordination is gone, but I was able to do it. I got so excited. I haven't had a piano in my home since 2000 when I had to sell mine to pay medical bills. Before that, I played every day. I played the piano, organ, and autoharp most of my life. I thought it was gone. With my autoharp, I used to write music and while I can't play that instrument any longer, I know the time will come when I can do all things again.

Thank you for sharing that beautiful discovery with us. It warmed my heart to hear you got the desire back.

 

[saffy]

That is fantastic Winterose :) I guess that is one thing he never stole off you eh :)

SafeNow I hope you get a new piano to play on.

Art is definitely a good therapy for the soul. Music is the sound of the soul :)

best wishes to you both :)

Saffy :)

 

[amcen]

Awwwww Winterose, you just touched me right in my heart! I am a professional musician (violin) and since I had this first horrible despair crisis one year ago I competely stopped practicing and listening music. You message triggered a childhood memory 1 minute ago and I now know why I just couldn't practice anymore and stayed away from music!!! OMG thank you winterose, wow! One more piece of freedom and it's thanks to you :happy:

 

[safenow]

Art is definitely a good therapy for the soul. Music is the sound of the soul

Thank you, saffy. However, I have a problem in that right now, I am not able to draw, and while I was able to play that one piece at the holiday, it was a very simple piece, and I had to struggle just to be able to use both hands again. I have some major medical issues, not just the mental issues.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Wonderful! I'm so glad you reconnected to a healing part of you.

 

[winterose]

I now know why I just couldn't practice anymore and stayed away from music!!!

amcen, yes! I did the same exact thing. Anything related even close to music I'd avoid for long periods of time. I found it very difficult to be open to such deep emotions and playing. Yeehaw for the violin. Maybe when we both get some peace and are able to find ourselves again we can put on a ptsdforum concert...:whistling:

Saffy: Imma trying to get it back. He did steal it for awhile but I'm fighting like hell to get it back. There is just some crap in therapy that is very hard to deal with. It's ironic the one thing that tore me apart is going to become my savior again. WOW now there's a realization.

safe: I hope you are able to play again if it's right for you.

monster: thanks so much

 

[safenow]

if it's right for you.

Music is so much a part of who I am. It's been difficult to say the least, not being able to play. As for the autoharp, I used to play it for my ex-husband. It seemed to sooth the savage beast in him. I played it Appalachian style, and plucked as well as strummed. When I tried to play it while I was in hiding from him, it just reminded me of him, so I sold it. Never to own another one.

 

[winterose]

((safenow)) I was sent this poem by a friend who knows how much I been grieving over my music.

The Artist's Duty

So it is the duty of the artist to discourage all traces of shame
To extend all boundaries
To fog them in right over the plate
To kill only what is ridiculous
To establish problem
To ignore solutions
To listen to no one
To omit nothing
To contradict everything
To generate the free brain
To bear no cross
To take part in no crucifixion
To tinkle a warning when mankind strays
To explode upon all parties
To wound deeper than the soldier
To heal this poor obstinate monkey once and for all

To verify the irrational
To exaggerate all things
To inhibit everyone
To lubricate each proportion
To experience only experience

To set a flame in the high air
To exclaim at the commonplace alone
To cause the unseen eyes to open

To admire only the abrsurd
To be concerned with every profession save his own
To raise a fortuitous stink on the boulevards of truth and beauty
To desire an electrifiable intercourse with a female alligator
To lift the flesh above the suffering
To forgive the beautiful its disconsolate deceit

To flash his vengeful badge at every abyss

To HAPPEN

It is the artist’s duty to be alive
To drag people into glittering occupations

To blush perpetually in gaping innocence
To drift happily through the ruined race-intelligence
To burrow beneath the subconscious
To defend the unreal at the cost of his reason
To obey each outrageous inpulse
To commit his company to all enchantments.
Kenneth Patchen

 

[saffy]

ART is much more than drawing and painting, you are a musical artist :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[safenow]

(((( Saffy )))), if you'll allow me to do that.