A Face I'd Like To Forget

[MouseWedger]

I keep having this nightmare, well, I guess it's several different nightmares.

The only factor that contributes to them all is this guy I dated in high school, who later decided it was a great idea to sexually harass me and threaten my life. My freshman year of college, a year after we broke up, he decided it would be fun to have different people call me at all hours of the night from a restricted number and make lewd and unwanted comments to me. I didn't know it was him at the time, and when I talked to my dad about it he told me it was probably a friend pranking me who didn't realize how much it was upsetting me. After talking to the girls in my dorm room suite I decided it wasn't them, and later that same night a new caller used my name. He sounded much older than me and I called my dad in a panic the next morning hoping against hope that it had been him. When I found that it wasn't my dad, he urged me to call the police.

After months of investigation the police found out who had been calling me.

I remember the call that the officer gave me the night her was given a phone number by the phone company.

"[Mouse], if I give you this number, you cant call it, no matter what. Can you do this for me? Who's number is this?" When he gave me the number and I realized that it belonged to my ex I became physically ill.

After my ex was notified by the police and told in no uncertain terms to cease and desist, he had someone call and threaten to kill me because I had filed a report. The police did nothing. It became more of a game to him than ever before. He, his brother and a friend found me in a WalMart and cornered me. It was only by the grace of God and a group of exiting women that I managed to sneak out without him catching me alone. He keyed my car not long after that.

Now that my birthday is here - that is when the phone calls started in college, my birthday, doucher - I find that I am having more and more nightmares that have his face in them. They may not be directly related to him or what happened, bu this face is there. It is the constant. The one thing I can count on to almost always rear in my dreams when I fall asleep. His face. I want it to be gone but it never will be.

The worst part about all of this? Several of the girls I work with (who know nothing of this) are friends with his brother. The LAST thing I need is him and his brother coming in to the place I work for, for dinner and finding me there.

(I swear with Christ as my witness, I will beat him with my tray.)

Sidebar and tangent rant aside, how do you get past the nightmares when they wont go away??

 

[BloomInWinter]

These intrusions of his face will likely go away once you've processed out this trauma. Have you mentioned this to your counselor?

 

[Loner]

I'd say first, start looking for a new job.

 

[MouseWedger]

Have you mentioned this to your counselor?

I wish I could Bloom. Unfortunately we still havent gotten health insurance so I can't go to see her anymore. I haven't been able to see her since August last year. We talked about it a lot before when I was in T in college. She didn't seem to think it would ever fully go away because it was so awful, but that it would wane over time, and crop up when I least expected it.

I'd say first, start looking for a new job.

I have been Loner :( Unfortunately I am finding that I'm at a juncture where I'm overqualified for half of the jobs I apply for and under-qualified for the other half. No one wants to pay me for work that they deem is beneath me and no one wants to take a gamble on someone who isn't fully qualified. I am literally at a point where I am begging for jobs.

 

[Loner]

I have been Loner :( Unfortunately I am finding that I'm at a juncture where I'm overqualified for half of the jobs I apply for and under-qualified for the other half. No one wants to pay me for work that they deem is beneath me and no one wants to take a gamble on someone who isn't fully qualified. I am literally at a point where I am begging for jobs.

I dont have much to offer but things that are probably cliched, just keep at it and keep a positive attitude and you'll get there.

I hope you get this stuff figured out and never have to deal with him again. His face WILL fade with time.

 

[jmni]

Unfortunately we still havent gotten health insurance so I can't go to see her anymore.

Out of curiosity who is we? (new here)

The worst part about all of this? Several of the girls I work with (who know nothing of this) are friends with his brother. The LAST thing I need is him and his brother coming in to the place I work for, for dinner and finding me there.

Or it could be said that the last thing you want to do is introduce new trauma. You've been through enough. Why reintroduce that into your life at all. It's dangerous. He has some kind of personality disorder and a bunch of friends that will do anything he says.

Unfortunately I am finding that I'm at a juncture where I'm overqualified for half of the jobs I apply for and under-qualified for the other half. No one wants to pay me for work that they deem is beneath me and no one wants to take a gamble on someone who isn't fully qualified.

Well a lot of post-graduates go through this. People are worried about their own job and dont want to give someone who has a degree a chance. But there are still people that want employees. But you have to put in the effort and really send out a lot of applications. Rejection is part of the process. It's highly discouraging but it doesn't mean you can't get a job.

This job is money in your pocket not advancing your career. Why lose sleep over it. I don't think it's worth losing sleep in a job where you have to hustle and only get by anyway. For me it wouldn't work because I find it hard to be upbeat if I'm miserable so that would make it hard to make tips. I think it would make you feel empowered to quit and find a new job. Surely you can get another waitressing job. Personally I suggest applying to jobs where you don't interact with the public. Perhaps in a secured area. That could give you a sense of security if you can't get in or out without a badge. Or at least somewhere that uses surveillance.

Sidebar and tangent rant aside, how do you get past the nightmares when they wont go away??

I read a book and it outlined how to respond to nightmares. They went away. It gave me the sense of being an observer and not a participant.

 

[safenow]

Sidebar and tangent rant aside, how do you get past the nightmares when they wont go away??

Bless your heart. That is not easy. Even when you work it out in therapy, there will be times in the future, when you are triggered by fear, that his face will come to mind. But once you ground, it will go away. Right now, you have been triggered with that fear of him showing up where you work. so of course you are going to be dreaming about what happened to you in the past.

For now, I suggest you write down the worse that could happen if he did show up. Then, write down how you think you would handle seeing him again. Then, write down the best possible solution. Look in the mirror and say to yourself, "He was a jerk. He was an immature idiot. I don't need to be afraid of him any more. I will not hit him, even though I'd like to, because I don't want to go to jail for assault of an idiot."

Personally I suggest applying to jobs where you don't interact with the public. Perhaps in a secured area. That could give you a sense of security if you can't get in or out without a badge. Or at least somewhere that uses surveillance.

That is what I did. It was such a relief. The pay was so good, and the hours were great. I had the security I needed, and a way to survive.

I read a book and it outlined how to respond to nightmares. They went away.

What is the name of the book, please?

 

[jmni]

What is the name of the book, please?

Unfortunately I don't remember. It was about the psychology of dreams.

 

[MouseWedger]

I will have to look and see if I can find it. Also, "we" is my husband and I. When I left my previous job we gave up our health insurance because we chose not to pay $1800 a month for mediocrity.

 

[WillyKat]

Have you considered filing a restraining order? You might want to consider that as an option.

I always advise this for women, even if their life is rosey: get two identical cans of pepper spray. Use one for (careful!) practice and keep the other one handy. It's not lethal but will stop an attacker. More to the point, it will give you a sense of security when you're out and about.

 

[MouseWedger]

Thanks WillyKat. I did have a restraining order - for almost four years. The judge decided after the last renewal that because he had done nothing since the first one was put in place years before that there was no need to renew it. After that, my car was keyed and I was cornered in a WalMart by him, his brother, and the guy who he had threaten to kill me. The local police wouldn't get involved and nothing was done. After his initial stalking in college, I took some basic martial arts classes and vowed that if anything ever happened again, my foot would connect directly with his balls and then my fist with his face. I won't let anyone cause me to live in fear ever again, regardless of the consequences.

 

[WillyKat]

Good for you! I didn't even mention a self defense class.

There was a case in Portland, OR some years ago where an 11-year old girl (I think) used ye ol' time knee to the balls thing on a guy trying to abduct her. She then ran away screaming. He was caught within a couple of hours.