Sufferer Need To Connect With Something Outside Of My Head.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I'm writing this trying to remain as calm as possible. I have never been one to ask for help and after years of alienating myself the only people I have are my mum and sisters - I know that's more than many have and I'm incredibly grateful. But my trauma is hurting them too much and there's part of me that is so incredibly protective of them won't let me share with them any more. For the first time in my life I feel the sudden desperate need to talk to someone, for help and to share, but at the same time I'm scared. I'm so unbelievably frightened. My head's doing things I can't explain and I keep going from feeling every last drop of fear to feeling nothing, not even the world around me. I'm really lost and could do with a friend.

Thankfully I have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow morning and my assessment counselling session on Tuesday but nothing feels like it enough, and anything feels like its too much. I don't really know what set this off, I have an idea of one thing it should be but it doesn't feel like it did.

How do you remain grounded when you're struggling? I bought a rock (yes - I know a rock, I mean wtf?!) because the other day I ground with my eyes open but usually when I close them I get intrusive thoughts, so I thought that if I focused on something so intensely nothing else would be able to get in. But anything even a cup or a pencil held too much emotional pain until I thought of a pebble/rock black, flattish with white lines, I pictured its shape and imagined what it would feel like to hold. It kept shifting from being polished to being naturally rough and it's shape changed, each time I nearly lost it. So I went online and found someone selling a small black rock with white lines and bought it. I'm hoping I can use that as a grounding tool when external visualisation doesn't help. But who would of thought it, a rock?! This is actually the first time in three day's I haven't felt terrifying, maybe talking about the rock helped lol, or perhaps it's because I'm trying to remain calm. I tried a different forum (and a more direct written version of my mind) and between no response and my head freaking too much I couldn't calm.

Anyway that's quite long enough for now, maybe I'll share more soon.

AJ

 

[a3a2]

I think the rock is a great idea. I used to keep a small pliable ball in my pocket. Loved it!

Welcome to the forum.

 

[safenow]

A number of years ago a dear friend sent me a bouquet of flowers. In the vase were these little black rocks. I kept one and have it on my desk. When people ask about it, I tell them it's my pet rock. In reality, I hold it in the palm of my hand and rub it. It helps calm me down and give me positive thoughts.

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Lots of good people and information here. Nice to meet you.

 

[Mcll]

About a year ago I found a tiny plastic dolphin on a sidewalk, it had some glitter on it that looked like some little girl painted on with nail polish. I found it comforting to hold in my hand and since that day I always keep it on me so I know what you mean.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thanks everyone, I'm just glad that there's enough of a Market for me to find a rock that resembled in many ways the one I imagined.

I've been on a waiting list for therapy now for seven months and wanting to get some for years, but suddenly a week seems like too far away. Although it's only an assessment, I don't know what the waiting list after that will be like. Things have really flared up and I don't know how to deal with it. Rock aside I'm having intense panic attacks that rise with a splitting migraine type headache that get so bad all I can do is sleep (which isn't easy when you're that stressed and in pain) interspersed between periods of dissociation. I usually get that with flashbacks but it feels like one part of my brain is trying to show me the flashback with it's full force and the other part of my brain is stopping it with every last bit.

The problem is trying to relay how much I'm struggling to a social worker/Councillor because I seize up and also can't remember properly. Repeatedly I've felt like I would be forced to give up in the last few days, that trying to survive was just too difficult, but because I won't physically harm myself no one seems to believe me. I can't explain what that feels like because I know life doesn't just stop, but that's how it feels, maybe I'd have a heart attack or maybe I'd just dissociate permanently and never come back. Unless I literally read off of a script that I've written in advance I won't be able to tell them properly. Also my head keeps stopping me from crying, but I feel that it would make some room in my head, just for a while, earlier I managed to start (not that that's necessarily a good thing) but it stopped me mid-flow and then I dissociated in front of my mum. I usually hide it from her because it freaks her out a bit. Now I'm numb and can't really access much. Its coming and going but like 8 times a day and I'm so tired.

 

[safenow]

Kas_Can_Fly, Try doing this and see if it helps:

The following flashback halting protocol can be taught. It is based on the principles of dual awareness, reconciling the experiencing self with the observing self. It usually will stop a traumatic flashback quite quickly.

Fill in the blanks:

Right now (you) I (are) am feeling _________________
(insert name of the current emotions, usually fear)

And (you) I (are) am sensing In (your) my body ____________________
(describe your current bodily sensations – name at least three)

Because (you) I (are) am remembering _______________________
(name the trauma by title only – no details)

At the same time. (you) I (are) am looking around where (you) I (are) am right now in _______________
(the actual current year)

Here _______________
(name the place where you are)

And (you) I can see ______________________
(describe some of the things that you see right now, in this place)

And so (you) I know _____________________
(name the trauma, by title only, again)

Is not happening now/anymore.

Print this out and have a loved one keep a copy so they can help if the need arises.

I also recommend you write down what you want to say to the social worker, then take that sheet with you. Ask them to read it.

Take care and good luck.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I love your idea about the rock. I used a series of rocks, one for each term of nursing school. It seemed to be a perfect grounding tool. You sound so exhausted, my heart goes out to you. Are you able to see a doctor and perhaps get some help with the migraine pain or maybe some medicine to help you calm down? I find when I'm having a panicking or dissociating, if I focus on my breathing and then make myself look for colors in the room, I can calm down and become more present. I go down a list of colors - find blue, find purple etc... Hope this helps.

 

[NIKI]

Unless I literally read off of a script

That would be a great idea to write out in advance and then let the councilor read it. I have done that and I have read of others here doing that.

I like the idea of the rock for grounding.

WELCOME to the forum. :)

 

[Smushroom]

Safenow, thanks for that! I am going to print it out and keep it on me from now on. Anything is worth a try to stop the chronic dissociation and flashbacks

Welcome to the forum Kas_Can_Fly. I hope your appointment goes well. I feel the pain you are in, with the flashbacks and such. You aren't alone. I hope they get better for you :)

 

[WillyKat]

I don't know much about them, but I've seen things called "worry stones" sold in museum gift shops and similar places. They are usually less than 2 inches long by about 1 inch wide and maybe 1/4 inch high, very smooth, sometimes with a divet for your thumb to explore.

I've been looking into doing a vision quest (I'll explain below). In my studies of it, there is a great deal said about connecting to the Earth, to rocks, trees, plants, animals, the planet, stars, etc. Maybe that explains why you were drawn to the rock; it's a connection to something larger than yourself, even though it's just small bit of it.

In other words, I think it's a great idea and not strange at all. In fact, I like it so much I may go out looking for a rock myself.

Now...a vision quest or vision fast is the practice of fasting out in the wilderness alone for a few days. It is something common to a lot of aboriginal cultures and considered a right of passage. Being alone in the wilderness, with nothing to eat (but plenty of water), with nothing to do, gets you to focus, relax, calm down, and connect. If you want to know more, Google "vision quest" and you'll find many programs offered from reputable organizations/companies. Or, you can do this on your own though lots of people that have not spent a lot of time camping, and camping alone, may find it overwhelming and counter productive.

 

[Smushroom]

I have crystals that I hold in my hand during therapy, and crystal bracelets I wear all the time. It is the first thing I grab when I feel myself 'drifting' I think, as WillyKat said, it is like a connection to the earth, to something that was here before me and will be here once I am gone. It's comforting to know that I am part of something so big, so magnificent. There is something bigger out there than my problems.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you so much everyone, both for simply reply/responding and for your advice safenow, I have printed out several copies of that form and will keep at least one blank one in my pocket with me. Scotty, I will try to look out for colours as I think that will be fairly stablizing (usually when I look up, even if I'm in my room I feel lost and confused, which is my fear for safenow's form, but I'll tackle that if/when it becomes a problem). Niki, I love your little status thing "I want to stop carrying what is not mine to carry." I can really relate to that. I love Smushrooms too, just a bit of Tolkien wisdom. I have written a 2 page something or other for my social worker to read that I hope sums up as much as I've been feeling that can be put into words. I'm incredibly relieved from your support. Thank you so much.

AJ
xx