This is my first time writing a diary about what I have lived through where others may see but I will still write as I would to myself. It's easier that way.
My first memories are watching my parents physically fight and then being kidnapped at eight and wish I could remember what all happened but only remember about two weeks. Around twelve my mother met my stepfather who drank and did drugs. My mom worked two jobs therefore did know everything going on. She didn't know he would sneak into my room and touch me or that he would try to hand me to his friends. She didn't know he would beate with belts or lock me out of the house. By the time she started to see the abuse I was older hiding my pain with alcohol and running away. The main sign was when he put my head through a window in front of her. At that point she left. I met my now ex husband and seemed to be coping pretty well, but now realize I was pretending I was okay for years. That came out when he became a alcoholic and started putting his hand son me. I automatically went into a deep depression thought about suicide but didn't want to put my kids through that pain and started disassociating when fighting back. I met someone new and went into a bubble. Thought I liked what he did but now realize I was hoping he would mess up and accidentally kill me during his bdsm cravings. He beat into my head that I was worthless, a horrible person that noone would ever love. He sexually hurt me on a daily basis and I allowed this for years. He did more damage than anyone. I now wake up with tears rolling down my face when I do sleep it's nightmares and night terrors and sleep paralysis. I can feel his breath his touch hear his voice and swear he's here. At work I tend to be anxious waiting to see him walk through the door and at night I'm scared he will burn the house down like he's threatened to do in the past. I have him blocked but daily he msgs my phone sometimes once others all day long. I get the pop up that there's a blocked msg so I see he's at it again..I see black shadows and swear it's him. I know I need help but the state we lived in refuses to close the case for medical without mail in my name and I put everything in others names so he can't find me. I was denied disability even though I have PTSD, major depression anxiety panic attacks and MRI reports stating my back is done..I can't hold a job more than a fewmonths before my mental capacity or my back makes it unbearable to work. I feel like I'm stuck. I want to be able to live life not suffer through it. I want to be left alone yet need company. I hate physical touch because of him yet force myself to give hugs and receive them. What do I do? I need therapy and can't get it. I need to be able to get the help I need yet everywhere I turn I'm pushed away. I'm stuck in a whirlwind of unhappiness.
My first memories are watching my parents physically fight and then being kidnapped at eight and wish I could remember what all happened but only remember about two weeks. Around twelve my mother met my stepfather who drank and did drugs. My mom worked two jobs therefore did know everything going on. She didn't know he would sneak into my room and touch me or that he would try to hand me to his friends. She didn't know he would beate with belts or lock me out of the house. By the time she started to see the abuse I was older hiding my pain with alcohol and running away. The main sign was when he put my head through a window in front of her. At that point she left. I met my now ex husband and seemed to be coping pretty well, but now realize I was pretending I was okay for years. That came out when he became a alcoholic and started putting his hand son me. I automatically went into a deep depression thought about suicide but didn't want to put my kids through that pain and started disassociating when fighting back. I met someone new and went into a bubble. Thought I liked what he did but now realize I was hoping he would mess up and accidentally kill me during his bdsm cravings. He beat into my head that I was worthless, a horrible person that noone would ever love. He sexually hurt me on a daily basis and I allowed this for years. He did more damage than anyone. I now wake up with tears rolling down my face when I do sleep it's nightmares and night terrors and sleep paralysis. I can feel his breath his touch hear his voice and swear he's here. At work I tend to be anxious waiting to see him walk through the door and at night I'm scared he will burn the house down like he's threatened to do in the past. I have him blocked but daily he msgs my phone sometimes once others all day long. I get the pop up that there's a blocked msg so I see he's at it again..I see black shadows and swear it's him. I know I need help but the state we lived in refuses to close the case for medical without mail in my name and I put everything in others names so he can't find me. I was denied disability even though I have PTSD, major depression anxiety panic attacks and MRI reports stating my back is done..I can't hold a job more than a fewmonths before my mental capacity or my back makes it unbearable to work. I feel like I'm stuck. I want to be able to live life not suffer through it. I want to be left alone yet need company. I hate physical touch because of him yet force myself to give hugs and receive them. What do I do? I need therapy and can't get it. I need to be able to get the help I need yet everywhere I turn I'm pushed away. I'm stuck in a whirlwind of unhappiness.
