Setting rules and limits for bad behavior comes up on here all the time. But I've noticed not much is said about what is used as a consiquence. Just thought I would put the question out there for ideas and see what people use or have tried and liked and didn't like. I know so much depends on the individual situation and all but its hard to alwase use the "I will leave if you keep doing this" tactic... so.. what else is out there?
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What to Use as Consequences for Actions?
- Post starter Damiea
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Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Interesting question Damiea. I look forward to reading what people write.
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anthony
Founder
My simple answer to this for myself, I don't make threats, only promises.
EmeraldRiver
Bronze Member
Didn't read your previous posts so no background on your situation but some suggestions:
No sex (most women and men use that threat at least once in their lifetime..)
No cooking dinner...assuming you cook...I don't.
No vacation/event/anything else you two were planning or looking forward to.
Don't speak to him for a few days - literally!
If it's really serious - and I mean SERIOUS then leave him, don't just threaten to. Your personal and emotional welfare have to come before his, or you can't help him.
No TV - if your PTSD victim is younger
No cell phone
No friends over - assuming they have friends...
No allowance
No car
Take away something they love until they can earn it back
But really, if it's another adult your worried about then it absolutely depends on how serious whatever it is he's doing is...and if there are children around. And you can't just drop it on him after he's screwed up...he should know BEFORE he screws up what you're planning on doing. And if you're not willing to actually follow through then don't bother. Good luck.
No sex (most women and men use that threat at least once in their lifetime..)
No cooking dinner...assuming you cook...I don't.
No vacation/event/anything else you two were planning or looking forward to.
Don't speak to him for a few days - literally!
If it's really serious - and I mean SERIOUS then leave him, don't just threaten to. Your personal and emotional welfare have to come before his, or you can't help him.
No TV - if your PTSD victim is younger
No cell phone
No friends over - assuming they have friends...
No allowance
No car
Take away something they love until they can earn it back
But really, if it's another adult your worried about then it absolutely depends on how serious whatever it is he's doing is...and if there are children around. And you can't just drop it on him after he's screwed up...he should know BEFORE he screws up what you're planning on doing. And if you're not willing to actually follow through then don't bother. Good luck.
D
Deleted member 541
I agree with Anthony....NEVER threaten anything. You tell the person what will happen and if they cross that line...Follow through with what you told them.....
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I think this thread was doomed from the beginning.
Now, first off. We PTSD'ers are not simple idiots, non-human, nor children. Secondly, even the ones that are children (like my son) should not be treated in ANY MANNER spoken of on this thread!
Manipulating, threatening and punishing for relapsing, stressing or reacting to stress? What the hell are you guys thinking of?
If this were me, and ANYONE, treated me in such a manner they would be gone in a heartbeat. They would not be welcome in my home nor my life. Period.
If ANYONE treated my son like that, woe are they! Hell would have no fury like mine.
It is one thing if we were out beating the shit out of someone.. okay.. call the damn cops.
So let's see.. hmmm.. cut off sex. Yes let's cut off one of the good stressors that the person with PTSD has. One of the FEW, may I remind. Let's manipulate them by using our bodies and theirs against them. Let's ensure our PTSD'er resents and despises us. Yes.. good call there.
No cooking or dinner. Yep starve em when they are sick.
No vacation or event.. well again remove good stressors, then again you just might be doing them a favor!
Don't speak to them. Yep and drive up their stress levels even higher so that they REALLY snap. Even better.
I do agree with leaving them if they are ABUSING you. And I don't use that term lightly, as many have done here.
As for kids, I have a child with PTSD and anyone suggesting I punish my child for relapsing, snapping, getting stressed, anxious or overloading.. Don't ever come to my house.
PTSD is about STRESS. Stress makes us react bad. We know it.
Saying, honey you are snapping at me and that hurts my feelings is a perfectly good way to set a boundary. Saying.. if you continue to snap at me I am going to go for a drive until you cool down.. would be a consequence. Leaving them the HELL ALONE while they destress or calm down would be a brilliant idea!
Applying that type of thinking would work. Along with those types of actions.
What has been suggested here.. is mostly ways to emotionally abuse your PTSD partner. Don't expect me to stand for it.
Thank you Anthony, Hodge, and Wendy for a reasonable reply.
UNREAL.
bec
Now, first off. We PTSD'ers are not simple idiots, non-human, nor children. Secondly, even the ones that are children (like my son) should not be treated in ANY MANNER spoken of on this thread!
Manipulating, threatening and punishing for relapsing, stressing or reacting to stress? What the hell are you guys thinking of?
If this were me, and ANYONE, treated me in such a manner they would be gone in a heartbeat. They would not be welcome in my home nor my life. Period.
If ANYONE treated my son like that, woe are they! Hell would have no fury like mine.
It is one thing if we were out beating the shit out of someone.. okay.. call the damn cops.
So let's see.. hmmm.. cut off sex. Yes let's cut off one of the good stressors that the person with PTSD has. One of the FEW, may I remind. Let's manipulate them by using our bodies and theirs against them. Let's ensure our PTSD'er resents and despises us. Yes.. good call there.
No cooking or dinner. Yep starve em when they are sick.
No vacation or event.. well again remove good stressors, then again you just might be doing them a favor!
Don't speak to them. Yep and drive up their stress levels even higher so that they REALLY snap. Even better.
I do agree with leaving them if they are ABUSING you. And I don't use that term lightly, as many have done here.
As for kids, I have a child with PTSD and anyone suggesting I punish my child for relapsing, snapping, getting stressed, anxious or overloading.. Don't ever come to my house.
PTSD is about STRESS. Stress makes us react bad. We know it.
Saying, honey you are snapping at me and that hurts my feelings is a perfectly good way to set a boundary. Saying.. if you continue to snap at me I am going to go for a drive until you cool down.. would be a consequence. Leaving them the HELL ALONE while they destress or calm down would be a brilliant idea!
Applying that type of thinking would work. Along with those types of actions.
What has been suggested here.. is mostly ways to emotionally abuse your PTSD partner. Don't expect me to stand for it.
Thank you Anthony, Hodge, and Wendy for a reasonable reply.
UNREAL.
bec
Wow I really liked your reply Bec. I was afraid to say anything, especially since I am so unsure of myself lately. But I agree, the suggestions made would only make things worse.
I like this especially because it is exactly how my family treats me. It's not so much about the consequences per se, but more about the fact that they will not take any shit from me... they defend themselves, and fair enough, they should! They set clear boundaries, but they do in a calm way (mostly haha) and are not manipulative or hurtful. They treat me well, they respect me.
God considering some of the replies, I guess I am really lucky to have them afterall...
I like this especially because it is exactly how my family treats me. It's not so much about the consequences per se, but more about the fact that they will not take any shit from me... they defend themselves, and fair enough, they should! They set clear boundaries, but they do in a calm way (mostly haha) and are not manipulative or hurtful. They treat me well, they respect me.
God considering some of the replies, I guess I am really lucky to have them afterall...
EmeraldRiver
Bronze Member
Good lord,....way to handle this with calmness, huh Bec?
They were suggestions, nothing more. If you don't like them,,, then don't do them. Quite simple. And I have no problem with people disagreeing with my thoughts, but try to do it with a bit more maturity please.
The OP asked for thoughts, and this is what came to mind. And since I have absolutely no idea what exactly she's referring to when its just "something" that's being done it's kinda hard to help.
Perhaps you need me to elaborate:
If her boyfriend is/was sexually abused and is acting wierd in sexual situations then I'm pretty darn sure she should say stop it, or no more sex for awhile. I am not saying if he's having flashbacks or anxiety that no sex would be an apporpriate consequense.
If he's yelling at her when she's trying to get stuff done and it's not up to his par - I think making him cook his own meals and clean his own house isn't out of line. He's not "SICK"...he's angry. Let's not be so dramatic.
As for vacations and not speaking - come on...in what world do you live in that you WANT to go on a vacation with someone who repeatedly cannot control themselves, and depending on what the person with PTSD is doing, I think NOT speaking can be one of the best things you do.
I find it incredible that you think it's OK for people with PTSD to react to their partners with anger and hostility and NOT expect more than just....I'll go for a drive while you calm down. Oh. Very helpful. LOL...let me know how THAT works out for ya, because that only works with rational people.
And let me make it even more clear - I am not saying this should be done to a child that, say, is having flashbacks. I'm saying I'd take away TV in a heartbeat to a kid that can't seem to respect my property because his anger keeps making him break stuff. And gee...if the PTSD is making him hang with the wrong crowd and spend his money on drugs or alchol...perhaps taking the allowance away just MIGHT be smart. But, you go ahead and tell that child your feeeeeellings on it, because I'm sure he'll respect that.
They were suggestions, nothing more. If you don't like them,,, then don't do them. Quite simple. And I have no problem with people disagreeing with my thoughts, but try to do it with a bit more maturity please.
The OP asked for thoughts, and this is what came to mind. And since I have absolutely no idea what exactly she's referring to when its just "something" that's being done it's kinda hard to help.
Perhaps you need me to elaborate:
If her boyfriend is/was sexually abused and is acting wierd in sexual situations then I'm pretty darn sure she should say stop it, or no more sex for awhile. I am not saying if he's having flashbacks or anxiety that no sex would be an apporpriate consequense.
If he's yelling at her when she's trying to get stuff done and it's not up to his par - I think making him cook his own meals and clean his own house isn't out of line. He's not "SICK"...he's angry. Let's not be so dramatic.
As for vacations and not speaking - come on...in what world do you live in that you WANT to go on a vacation with someone who repeatedly cannot control themselves, and depending on what the person with PTSD is doing, I think NOT speaking can be one of the best things you do.
I find it incredible that you think it's OK for people with PTSD to react to their partners with anger and hostility and NOT expect more than just....I'll go for a drive while you calm down. Oh. Very helpful. LOL...let me know how THAT works out for ya, because that only works with rational people.
And let me make it even more clear - I am not saying this should be done to a child that, say, is having flashbacks. I'm saying I'd take away TV in a heartbeat to a kid that can't seem to respect my property because his anger keeps making him break stuff. And gee...if the PTSD is making him hang with the wrong crowd and spend his money on drugs or alchol...perhaps taking the allowance away just MIGHT be smart. But, you go ahead and tell that child your feeeeeellings on it, because I'm sure he'll respect that.
Actually I am very calm and was when I posted in this thread. I will not promote abusive behavior and "punishing" or giving "consequences" of this kind to a sick person (and PTSD is making someone sick) most certainly falls under abuse.
As for your elaboration (which still does not affect what I first posted) if someone is being abused sexually, you do not sit there and hand out punishments or try to manipulate them into behaving better, you GET THE HELL OUT. Plain and simple.
As for the yelling part, I have no idea where that came from, but it can be two fold. A) that person is a control freak and does need to cook their own damn food or B) they are controlling about it because their PTSD is controlling them. Now this is not a license to go out and yell at whomever, by any means, however it needs to be handled better than silent treatments, canceling vacations etc. That's just manipulation and it will piss someone with PTSD off. Calling the behavior and saying what you will do (as in leave) is a good idea, because the sufferer needs to calm down first. Then you sit down and talk about it. Also, where's the part about therapy. You know, are they in therapy, are they working on it, are they learning anger management? If so.. what is the plan in the house for when it does get out of control? What should the sufferer do to tell their carer it's too much, does the carer back off (and I've read thread after thread where the carer doesn't back off and then can't understand why they got yelled at!) is there a "safe" place for either to go until some controlled behavior is in place?
What world do I live in? The one where PTSD lives in my home. Since both myself and my son suffer from it.. I think I have a pretty good grasp on how these suggestions will and won't work. If you can get the sufferer to agree to a vacation or event (lol around here.. canceling that would be a big favor in both my son's book and mine.. so that wouldn't work too well would it?) your doing really good.
I don't think it's okay to react with anger and hostility, although it gets the best of me some days. However, I have plans in place for what I need to do, what my son needs to do and what my carers need to do to help calm the situation until myself or my son are back in a rational frame of mine. No where in there is punishment or consequences, and frankly if there was.. we'd be even sicker than we are.
And as a matter of fact, someone removing themselves from a situation where I'm snapping at them is exactly what I need. It does work. And has numerous times. Funny I always apologize and talk about it after. Without being punished.
Since I have a son with PTSD, and he's had it for half his life now.. I can tell you.. that taking away stuff doesn't work. Talking about the behavior, and digging for the cause of it.. working out better ways to react does work. It's amazing how smart kids really are. Punishing them just increases the unwanted behaviors. In a big and ugly way. Children with PTSD are not like other children. They CAN NOT be treated the same way as it backfires and you cause them more damage than they already have. I have very clear boundaries with my son.. he does not break things, disrespect people, get in trouble.. and he easily could. He has full-blown PTSD. And guess what.. he's a damn good kid.
And your very right.. my son loves and respects me very much.
bec
As for your elaboration (which still does not affect what I first posted) if someone is being abused sexually, you do not sit there and hand out punishments or try to manipulate them into behaving better, you GET THE HELL OUT. Plain and simple.
As for the yelling part, I have no idea where that came from, but it can be two fold. A) that person is a control freak and does need to cook their own damn food or B) they are controlling about it because their PTSD is controlling them. Now this is not a license to go out and yell at whomever, by any means, however it needs to be handled better than silent treatments, canceling vacations etc. That's just manipulation and it will piss someone with PTSD off. Calling the behavior and saying what you will do (as in leave) is a good idea, because the sufferer needs to calm down first. Then you sit down and talk about it. Also, where's the part about therapy. You know, are they in therapy, are they working on it, are they learning anger management? If so.. what is the plan in the house for when it does get out of control? What should the sufferer do to tell their carer it's too much, does the carer back off (and I've read thread after thread where the carer doesn't back off and then can't understand why they got yelled at!) is there a "safe" place for either to go until some controlled behavior is in place?
What world do I live in? The one where PTSD lives in my home. Since both myself and my son suffer from it.. I think I have a pretty good grasp on how these suggestions will and won't work. If you can get the sufferer to agree to a vacation or event (lol around here.. canceling that would be a big favor in both my son's book and mine.. so that wouldn't work too well would it?) your doing really good.
I don't think it's okay to react with anger and hostility, although it gets the best of me some days. However, I have plans in place for what I need to do, what my son needs to do and what my carers need to do to help calm the situation until myself or my son are back in a rational frame of mine. No where in there is punishment or consequences, and frankly if there was.. we'd be even sicker than we are.
And as a matter of fact, someone removing themselves from a situation where I'm snapping at them is exactly what I need. It does work. And has numerous times. Funny I always apologize and talk about it after. Without being punished.
Since I have a son with PTSD, and he's had it for half his life now.. I can tell you.. that taking away stuff doesn't work. Talking about the behavior, and digging for the cause of it.. working out better ways to react does work. It's amazing how smart kids really are. Punishing them just increases the unwanted behaviors. In a big and ugly way. Children with PTSD are not like other children. They CAN NOT be treated the same way as it backfires and you cause them more damage than they already have. I have very clear boundaries with my son.. he does not break things, disrespect people, get in trouble.. and he easily could. He has full-blown PTSD. And guess what.. he's a damn good kid.
And your very right.. my son loves and respects me very much.
bec
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