Dissociating Into A Child-like State?

[AzureMind]

My dissociation is still pretty much the way it's always been, with the 'brain fogs' that roll in and out, the gaps in memory, and the complete and total lack of emotions but now when I come out to full consciousness, I feel like a kid. Like a little boy who feels lost, with no sense of direction. I mean, I FEEL like a child that's just come into the world, and is confused by things that I suppose an adult wouldn't, such as knowing what you want out of life, and where you're going in it. It's like I'm wondering around for all the world to see, and unable to make sense of my self-experience at these times in order to gain some proper perspective. Granted, I've been 'being other people' my whole life to contain abuse, and to function when I was outside of the home environment; it was the only thing that made sense about what I grew up with...it had to happen to other people, and that's how I've dealt with everything: be it positive, or negative, be someone who is capable of dealing with the experience.

I think this is mainly due to the dissociation of my memories, and experiences that I grew up with. With no memories of what I was fond of as a child, it's as if the 'child' never got to exist in me...I realize that since I didn't get much time to actually be a child, and I had to constantly be in 'adult' mode, and think about safety, how to manage my grades, and projects, and then find work after high school...this has been a major problem in my finding out about myself, and what I like to do, since there was never any time for me to think about myself, or do for myself.

I suppose, I'm stuck trying to act like a 20 something with the hard-nosed experience of an older man, and an emotional infrastructure of a child...everything feels so disparate, and each part is practically begging to be paid attention to, and I can't sort out who needs most attention, so I end up dissociating again....:arghh; There's just too many parts to negotiate, and since I'm emotionally out of practice, I don't know HOW to explain this properly, if I even AM doing so now! lol:laugh:

I can feel the needs of the child, but the adult knows that the child had better not bond with others or ask for help because that would risk further damaging the child...I don't know why it's this complex, but I know that I have some issues...how can I get things back on track, and get some order in my life?

 

[Pietro]

You explained it perfectly, as far as I'm concerned -- I often feel the same way, and I'm 46! :)

I know this is an old post, but, for what it's worth, to get things "back on track", I believe that therapy and time are the two best options. Reading as much as you can about the topic helps as well. No matter how much I want recovery to go more quickly, it won't. I just have to let it take it's course, and deal with it as it comes, with the hope that, as each episode passes, I've made progress.

 

[Pencil]

I can feel the needs of the child, but the adult knows that the child had better not bond with others or ask for help because that would risk further damaging the child..

I totally relate, but can offer not one sensible word of advice. So, when you've figured it out, please let me know :)

I believe that therapy and time are the two best options

Yes

 

[quaintpapercut]

I suppose, I'm stuck trying to act like a 20 something with the hard-nosed experience of an older man, and an emotional infrastructure of a child...everything feels so disparate, and each part is practically begging to be paid attention to, and I can't sort out who needs most attention, so I end up dissociating again....

I am just starting to recognize this - how my various parts compete for their individual needs, often at inopportune times and in complete conflict with what I had previously thought or agreed to. It's confusing, damaging and really scary to go through. It makes my world feel very topsy turvy and causes a lot of emotional conflict in my interpersonal relationships. Sometimes compromise works - I find a middle ground that appeases both the hard assed scrappy fighter and the small child that just wants to be understood and loved. I think you explained it perfectly as well. I need to speak to my therapist about it as I'm starting to realize how damaging this internal war is, but its really embarrassing and difficult to do. I think awareness is key as well because with awareness, hopefully comes understanding and then change.

 

[Pencil]

This thread is so important to me!!

 

[quaintpapercut]

Me to. I just went through a pretty damaging episode and it almost destroyed my relationship. I understand because if its crazy making for me, its even worse for him. I agreed to something and then when he was telling me about it I became very irate. All the while, the part that agreed to it was screaming in my head "what are you doing??!!". We fought (much to the pleasure of the side of me that relishes conflict and crushing people) and then afterwards the child emerged, scared, upset and disoriented wanting to be loved (which didn't happen as my boyfriend had enough). It's all very confusing.

 

[Pencil]

Yes, the switches are bewildering for me, and even more so for others!

And it is due to the different parts that I don't relate to posts about grounding and skills and tools and ... the things that come up regularly in others' posts. I learn something in one part, but it doesn't get transferred, and I am not always aware of how quickly I switch or even where / who I am. I've been struggling lately with trying to get work done and sticking to deadlines, but the adult works out a schedule, the adult is replaced by another and the schedule is completely forgotten (and I actually find this difficult to fully comprehend and believe), when the adult returns I can't believe that the schedule was not adhered to. But in that time - of which I am always fully conscious, so I don't have DID - the schedule is simply nowhere in my conscious mind. It's not as if I choose to ignore adult things - it is completely forgotten!

Okay, that is just example, and at the moment I am incredibly tired and long-winded. The most damaging is of course when I react from the child state to a situation in which adult emotions are called for.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Hi Pencil - I undersand and feel the same way. I don't have Dissociative Identity Disorder either. Especially this :

I learn something in one part, but it doesn't get transferred

I can't speak much to it though because I'm still trying to understand myself.

 

[Pencil]

Me too, and I've only become aware of this very recently. All my life I was very frustrated with myself ordinary self-discipline simply doesn't work - the 'adult' in my makes a decision about something, but the damn child (or children) simply ignores it. It is really frustrating.

 

[Pietro]

I guess dissociation exists on a continuum, like many other things. @Pencil, I have had smaller episodes like you describe. Definitely a lot of dissension between my various "parts". But, like quaintpapercut, I don't understand this well, either.

 

[Pencil]

Like a little boy who feels lost, with no sense of direction. I mean, I FEEL like a child that's just come into the world, and is confused by things that I suppose an adult wouldn't,

Oh, yes. I feel this a lot.

 

[maddog]

I believe that one of the truest statements about dissociation is that it exists on a continuum. I, for example, don't experience what many would consider to be true dissociation. I don't lose time, do not experience any real interruptions in thoughts, consciousness or memory and certainly do not meet criteria forDID...

And yet, with a lot of painful denial and gradual, growing acceptance, I am realising that I am somewhere along that continuum for sure.

My T has told me that on occasion I adopt a blank vacant look and freeze, usually only fleetingly or for short periods of time, and I was quite unaware of this until he pointed it out. Not surprisingly those times coincide with times when I am becoming caught up in memories or feelings from the past, and from his feedback it would appear that I may be a little more unaware of my environment and the passing of time than I had ever figured I was.

But more than anything, it is the emergence of somewhat dissociated states, most of which are child states of some form, that has really driven the nail home for me about my tendency to dissociate into alter states.

As we have, to quote the old cliche, peeled back the layers of the trauma onion, I have become aware of the vulnerable child within me, the angry self destructive child, the mute frozen child, the withdrawn vengeful teenager... and perhaps there are more I haven't quite figured out yet. I used to prefer to think of these states as schema modes, and in part this is a perfectly acceptable explanation, but in truth, the extent of their overwhelming impact on my thoughts, feelings and, to a point, behaviours, is beyond what I think would readily be explained as a schema mode.

It's quite frankly terrifying at the moment... I hopeI can learn to be a little more comfortable with it, and even to begin to integrate these parts of myself, because while they aren't distinct alters in the traditional sense, they certainly aren't coherent or integrated parts of me for now.

Maddog