I am not sure about this for anyone else, but being here is like being in my hospital room when I need to get up during the night and cry so people are around who understand. UP until right now, tonight, I have felt safe here. Among those who understand my feelings, and don't make fun of me and my life.
The only other times I have felt this way was when I was in a mental hospital. It is so damn hard for me to cry. Especially if anyone else is around. But, when I'm locked up, I know I can cry because I'm in a safe place. The people know to not touch me without asking first. They know that sometimes it hurts just to have anyone touch me. Especially when I'm remembering the past. If I freak out, I know they can have enough people to get me down and drug me so I can sleep. I have too many alters who fight when the memories come back this strong.
I'm sort of afraid to go to sleep tonight, and I know I must do it. I have people coming tomorrow, and I know what tomorrow is going to be like for me because I shared with others about me in ways I normally don't share with anyone who can't physically see me.
When people can see me, and they ask about my scars, if I feel like I can trust them, I share about some of them. The ones they can see anyway. Those who ask are usually most kind, since they can see for themselves. When I share with them that they have all faded over time, they just kind of sigh. Then, I crack a joke, and lighten up the mood. But tonight, I can't think of any way to lighten my mood.
I am going to have to ground on so many levels tonight before I fall asleep. I know I'll be sleeping in my chair tonight, but I won't be able to put on the seat belt because of what I need to ground from. Part of it, feeling that belt around me holding me into the chair would trigger me even further. sigh.
I'm sad. I'm depressed. I fear that I've alienated those whom I have come to care about. I fear that they will all think I am just saying stuff so people will feel sorry for me. I fear they will think I'm a liar because they probably don't know anyone like me, and mock or make fun of me. I am afraid they will say nothing to me. One reason I wish I had a ptsd or trauma support group I could sit and talk to in person. sigh. Only a paramedic, or a cop, or those who have lived through severe abuse like I have will believe and understand. Those who served in the military understand, because they have seen the after effects of horror themselves. They would know I need to talk to someone to help me pull myself back together. OH GOD. I fear this is going to take days now.
I am going to take off all my clothes and turn on my lights. I am going to allow myself to remember how I got like this. Which scares me. I just pray I don't scare my little. Too late.
I need to pray and do some scripture study.
The only other times I have felt this way was when I was in a mental hospital. It is so damn hard for me to cry. Especially if anyone else is around. But, when I'm locked up, I know I can cry because I'm in a safe place. The people know to not touch me without asking first. They know that sometimes it hurts just to have anyone touch me. Especially when I'm remembering the past. If I freak out, I know they can have enough people to get me down and drug me so I can sleep. I have too many alters who fight when the memories come back this strong.
I'm sort of afraid to go to sleep tonight, and I know I must do it. I have people coming tomorrow, and I know what tomorrow is going to be like for me because I shared with others about me in ways I normally don't share with anyone who can't physically see me.
When people can see me, and they ask about my scars, if I feel like I can trust them, I share about some of them. The ones they can see anyway. Those who ask are usually most kind, since they can see for themselves. When I share with them that they have all faded over time, they just kind of sigh. Then, I crack a joke, and lighten up the mood. But tonight, I can't think of any way to lighten my mood.
I am going to have to ground on so many levels tonight before I fall asleep. I know I'll be sleeping in my chair tonight, but I won't be able to put on the seat belt because of what I need to ground from. Part of it, feeling that belt around me holding me into the chair would trigger me even further. sigh.
I'm sad. I'm depressed. I fear that I've alienated those whom I have come to care about. I fear that they will all think I am just saying stuff so people will feel sorry for me. I fear they will think I'm a liar because they probably don't know anyone like me, and mock or make fun of me. I am afraid they will say nothing to me. One reason I wish I had a ptsd or trauma support group I could sit and talk to in person. sigh. Only a paramedic, or a cop, or those who have lived through severe abuse like I have will believe and understand. Those who served in the military understand, because they have seen the after effects of horror themselves. They would know I need to talk to someone to help me pull myself back together. OH GOD. I fear this is going to take days now.
I am going to take off all my clothes and turn on my lights. I am going to allow myself to remember how I got like this. Which scares me. I just pray I don't scare my little. Too late.
I need to pray and do some scripture study.
