Is What I Went Through Really Traumatic, Or Is It Just Me Being Overly-sensitive?

[Rumors]

JJ you may never get what you are seeking from your father, an apology. However, even in your desire to move on you are still stuck trying to figure his role out in where you find yourself now. I am not sure you can do that and successfully conquer your disease. His behavior was his behavior. Does he have regrets? EVERY PARENT DOES!!! Will he voice them to you, maybe or maybe not. You haven't given him the opportunity to know the sober you long enough for him to trust that relationship.

I am sure he is a loving man who is very scared he will loose his son to young. Desperity will make you do all kinds of things that you can justify in your own mind. That goes both ways you know! Your desperate enough for money that you justify why it is ok for your dad to help you, right? I mean you have to eat and survive but truth is you are still using and his money that was meant to feed you is being used for drugs. He was desperate enough to keep you clean he used the guilt card to try and shame you into feeling sorry for him and your mom for all you put them thru bc in his mind he thought the love you have for your family would win out over the pot, right? Shame and guilt never leave you where you want to be on the other side.

If you do anything for yourself today, sit down and write your truths. You use, you lie to use, you use people to use, you love your family, you don't like yourself too much, you feel guilt and shame, you find happiness in ?. Then please go and find a program that fits your needs. Do you have a mentor, an NA (narcotics anonymous) sponsor? Is there anyone in your life that you can ask for help from that doesn't leave you feeling more shameful than you already feel? You don't need to answer or ask your dad for help, but you should let them know where you will be if you do seek out a program.

I am always deeply saddened when I talk to people who so desperately want more and are trying to find their way. The journey is long and difficult but if you can commit your life will be better. I want to be able to do it for you but I can't!!!! However, I can send you up in prayers and send you strength so that as you move forward in this journey, you know that you have the support of at least one cyber person!!! (()).

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I spend all my free time looking for cases, studies, trying to get people on my side

Maybe I'm the wrong person to answer this thread because my abuse has stemmed mostly from drug users, the main person involved was my father whose drug of choice was cannabis. I don't think you should be looking for people on your side, you've made mistakes, so has your father, end of - that might not make it easier to live with, but it's the truth. People's views on drugs vary and some people think that they're fine - usually they're the people on them. Your parents abhor drug use, you use drugs, their hateful behaviour isn't directed towards you but the drugs. As Rumors has pointed out if your Dad was scared of you moving on to harder drugs or of your drug use in general all you have done is prove him right, if you want to gain some respect from him, I think you'll need to earn it and the same goes for that apology - if you can apologise for your drug use, then maybe his apology over his behaviour will follow in the future - don't expect it straight away.

At the end of the day, many people simply do not trust addicts (whatever the addiction)and whilst you might not have lied/broken promises/stolen/ hurt your self or others that's not what they will see or think of. The only person who can decide to get past the drug use is you and you will have to crave that more than your next fix at the height of withdrawal and with every possible lapse after, it won't be easy ever, you will suffer, but it will be worth it.

If you've seen Trainspotting, then maybe you will see how many people view (hard) drug addicts and if you haven't it might enlighten you as to what people think your way of life is like even if it isn't like that at all. It might help you see how your father may or may not view your drug use. Reckless, feckless and dangerous, with a darkness.

If you had a kid how would you feel (honestly), if s/he was doing the same things you are and have. What would you have done differently maybe write those down, wait a day or so and read them again, when you're set that you've written down fair and rational responses to a similar situation, take those to your father and show him.

But rather than fighting rehabilitation, embrace it, because it seems (to me) that you're digging your heels in and fighting the idea that life with out drugs might be better - thereby not giving it a real chance.

 

[JiHyo]

I disagree with others on this thread. You do not need to forgive or reconcile with your father. If he is abusive he will be abusive whether or not you forgive. Accept of course, accept the way he is and what happened, but forgiveness does not make everything better or make your father a good person.

I cannot send you the link but look up Forgiveness is Overrated in google and there will be others who can articulate better what I am saying.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Your parent's weren't there for you when you needed them the most and that's really horrible. I really feel the pain, anger and hurt in your first post and how when you were a 16 year old all you wanted was your parent's love and understanding. Being that age is tough in so many ways , remember that you were still technically a child and your parent's were the adults. From what you wrote it sounds like you really tried your best to win your parent's approval but whatever you did wasn't enough. I don't think your being overly sensitive at all you've been through some terrible things.

 

[The Albatross]

Sounds like a good bit of resentment and rebellion to me. Your parents wanted a drug free home. You used drugs, admittedly in part because you were "mad at the entire female race and your parents". You received consequences for your choice to continue to reside in your parents home and use illegal substances.

Your dad tried to give you a reality check and took you to some homeless shelters, you continued your drug use. You received a consequence by being put out of your home. "I had to move from my nice comfy home... what right did my parents have..." Um your parents had every right to provide you AND themselves with a drug free home. You consistently chose to use, you were asked to leave. Choice/consequence.

You resent and retaliate against your parents and graduate to the wonderful world (sarcasm intended as I am a former alcohol abuser/alcoholic) of booze and harder drugs. (Hey why not up the ante because the pot thing worked out so well for you, eh?)

You need money and get it but parents tack on a proviso that you go to treatment. You do it and claim honesty, though during treatment there were lapses or relapses your parents didn't know about. You do the time but really didn't do the treatment did you?

You say "My parents think that someone can just magically wave a wand and make their addiction stop, and it's that easy." True. Your parents, though doing their utmost from dissuading you from your life choices can't make (their addiction?) YOUR addiction stop. That is something only you can do for yourself.

Now you're stressed out and anxiety ridden and you're taking handouts from your parents. Which sucks but seemed to be working for you until you start thinking perhaps they'll cut you off.

Glad you got accepted to a trade school, but are you clean? You're shooting yourself in the foot if you're not. Are you in a program of recovery?

I'm really surprised a the responses here. This isn't trauma. It's self inflicted choices of an angry, resentful young man turned alcoholic/addict. Yeah it's a sad state of affairs, but it's similar to one of many I have heard in and around recovery.

It's the consequence of anger, resentment, retaliation, and consequences of personal choices. Displaced aggression of a young man who didn't know how to handle his feelings. Who here actually wanted a PTSD diagnosis? Not me that's for damn sure. If John gets it, he validates his actions and absolves himself from personal responsibility. When, in fact, he had every opportunity to get a grip and turn himself around. He still has opportunities... but they are smaller, less often, more problematic, more difficult, more anxiety producing, more fearful... because he is an alcoholic/addict.

John? This is your rage and a hell of a wake up call, you said "I can send them a video letter with me shooting up, smoking weed, and saying goodbye forever, with the quote: "virtue turns to vice, if misapplied, and vice turns to virtue, by actions dignified." And you are very wrong to believe that if you "punish" them, you're going to feel one wit better. You need to get into a recovery program and deal with the anger and get some maturity. I hope you do.

Knowing you have PTSD when you're an addict/alcoholic is a non sequitur, it does not logically follow unless or until you get clean time. Trust me I know about this because I've been there (alcoholic), and I have co-occurring behaviors and am mostly able to deal with my PTSD now because I did a decade in recovery.

You probably won't like this post very much. But all I got is my own experience, and all I see is you are a victim of your own choices and consequences were meted out as you refused to alter your course. Yeah it sucks. But so far as my own consequences from booze... I got nobody to blame but myself.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. My own mother took me to visit downtown San Diego's detox unit where I saw wet brains, seizures, people having hallucinations, and Delirium Tremens. It was drastic, but it wasn't abuse.

When I struck my mother I was asked to get my own apartment. It wasn't abuse, it was for her SAFETY.

Anger turned inward hurts like a b*tch. But is is a self inflicted wound.

My vote is obviously "oversensitive" with a twist, you complicated your situation immeasurably when you didn't learn how to deal with anger.

 

[The Albatross]

The problem is that he doesn't feel that he did anything wrong, and simply will not apologize for any wrongdoing.

The problem is that you want him to apologize for something he saw as responsible parenting.

 

[The Albatross]

Expecting to get blasted, but am comfortable with it as I told it from my direct personal experience.

If you've been in Narcotics Anonymous John and that didn't work for you, I recommend SMART Recovery. I've done and still keep a foot in both for my relapse prevention.

For the record I never thought, reading your posts, "Poor little rich kid". I thought, "Man oh man, that is one angry guy." So was I and it has me all choked up to remember it. It didn't have to be that way, but I didn't have the tools I needed to help myself until I was 40. I hope you get it sooner than I did.

 

[rightkindofme]

I encourage you to read the book Dead Link Removed I'm pretty fanatical about having a Harm Reduction approach to my life. It may be the closest thing I have to dogma.

Oh man I love DXM. MDMA does nothing for me anymore. I can sit in one place and have massive anxiety attack after massive anxiety attack until it is out of my system. Crank once and it was horrible. No cocaine or heroin. LSD was wonderful. Shrooms made me horribly ill. I started smoking pot at 27 for managing PTSD symptoms--I have a medical card.

So I'm not sitting on a high horse. Let me be clear. :)

I'm a parent now. And I didn't use drugs unti I was in my twenties. I consciously decided that I didn't want to risk that kind of potential legal backlash on my family. I thought it was selfish. My opinion was: if I wait until I am an adult then no one else will be held accountable for my actions. It's my body. I can do with it what I choose.

I had a very different life than you. I lived in terribly poverty. I was alone all the time and unsupervised and it resulted in some really terrible trauma.

It's interesting to read your story. I would have killed or died to have parents who tried to smother me. I only saw my father for a few hours most years and during each visit he sexually assaulted/raped me. Personality wise I think I would have *thrived* if I had parents pushing me towards success.

It's interesting to read your story. You are so clearly hurt by your life. You don't need to have anyone give you permission for feeling hurt. You don't. Your feelings are yours. I can see that you are having feelings. If things happened to you that hurt you, there isn't a scale of "Oh well that was only a one star trauma--not a five star trama or anything serious. Psh" It doesn't work that way. :)

You clearly feel like your childhood did not prepare you for how to be an adult and you feel overwhelmed with stress trying to do it in the proscribed manner your parents are presenting.

Well, ok. Then find a way to stop needing them. Seriously. I really and truly do know how hard that is. I don't have a relationship with my parents. They have no money to give. My mom has fleeced me for many thousands of dollars. I no longer have contact because I can't be her permanent bank. (Ok, that's reason # 5,392 on a very complicated list.)

There are a lot of functional pot heads out here. We get by. We do our work stoned. It's ok. We haven't ended the world yet or anything. If you need pot to function then it sounds an awful lot like you have a chemical imbalance and you have found the right medication. Oh gee. I guess that's bad. Or something. (That was my sarcastic voice in that last bit there. I know tone is usually lost in text.)

You can't be a pot head and be a pilot. You should not be a train operator. We do have to accept restrictions due to the nature of being medicated. Life is about figuring out what choices you have open to *you* given your unique sets of skills and talents and abilities and knowledge. I promise you that you have some combination of worth-while data in your brain that is monetarily useful to you. That's just how being a human works.

Uhm, my husband spends a lot of time reading about marketing information. And so uhh a bit of that creeps into my language. I apologize. I'm not a used car salesperson. :)

I tell you that if there is use for a white trash whore then there is use for a poor little rich boy. If you feel that is your identity then learn to accept your place and position. With great privilege comes great responsibility. If you have been very well educated then do something with that magnificent brain. Go work for NORML and forget about pleasing your parents.

You only get to have one life. If your parents didn't teach you the skills you need to lead the kind of life you want to lead, go find people who are leading the kinds of lives you envy and ask them about their skill set. It is a litte embarrassing at first--but it's part of life growth. I was not taught how to have the skills I need to have. I was taught a lot of very unuseful things. I've had to teach myself. I use books, the internet, I go find people I admire and I pattern off of them.

It is hard but I have genuinely changed my affect in the world. I still occasionally kick holes in walls. I break things I shouldn't break. I have a lot of really intense anger issues. I have a very short fuse. I have a two year old and a four year old and I can not lose my temper.

If I can learn you can learn. :) It will be hard though. And no one will be able to draw you a map because this all has to spring from your desires and your needs.

I don't know if you were "abused" or not. I honestly don't. I know that you did not get what you needed. You can allow that to paralyze you or you can figure out how to go find the knowledge you need. Yes, PTSD makes it harder. If you feel that you have PTSD that is good enough for me. I'm not going to be the kind of @$$hole who judges someone else's evil voices. If you've got 'em I'm sorry. They are terrible things to have in your head and I'm sorry you have them.

Don't let them win. Don't let your dark angels outshout your bright angels. I'm not religious--I promise. I am not going to tell you to go straight and find Jesus and give up your power and submit that you have no control over yourself. Psh. Change the amount of stress in your life. Change the amount of joy. The amount of drugs you need will fluctuate. Evaluate them each independently with quality of life versus longevity of life in mind. *Make conscious choices.*

You have power you don't understand. You really do. You might need to change how you eat: do actual research into nutrition. Learn about your ethnic group specific health stuff. Bodies are not all the same. They have different needs. Some people benefit from being vegan. Some people need to be on the paleo end. There is a lot in between. What would make you feel better in your body? I don't know what relationship you have with your body. :)

No matter what the problem is, part of the answer is: exercise more. We are human animals and we must move in order to be healthy. Every day. You don't have to run five miles every day but you do have to get out and walk in a brisk manner for at least thirty minutes. You have to move. We are designed for walking (slowly) over about twelve miles a day. If you currently don't have a job, start walking. It's *free*.

Find a community who can support and love you. I draw my friends from historical re-enactment groups, the bdsm community, the polyamorous community (I'm monogamous), gamer groups (I'm not a gamer--I barely play Monopoly), dance communities, and all kinds of random places in the education community (I was a high school teacher, I went to college and grad school in the area I went to elementary-through-high school).

Everyone is different. Everyone is complicated. I have found tribe online. It is safer for me. I prescreen people. If they can get through my tl;dr then they can generally love me. It's a nice and neat dividing line. <3

So I suppose what I say is: I'm really sorry you were kicked out of the house. I was homeless as a child. It's a very hard experience. I'm sorry you have been homeless as an adult. I can only imagine the complicated emotions you have had. I have technically been homeless for extended stretches of my adult life but I uhhh set up my lovers in a set schedule and just uhm "couch surfed" through that experience.

I can understand why you might hate women. Women represent a lot of what men want but men have to jump through a ridiculous number of hoops before a woman will treat him as worthy. We don't look at raw potential and go, "Ahhh. A challenge." (Ok, some do but they are unusual and hard to find.) Women want providers so young men are generally treated like dirt. They have no "worth" until they have gone out and done a bunch of seemingly incomprehensible hoop-jumping-through. It's a f*cking mystery. To this I say: go find you some stoners. Ask older stoners (like forties and fifties) what they have learned about relationships. Ask pointed questions about how they have treated their various partners. Decide if you want to be like them and then pattern your behavior accordingly.

Be who you want to be. Make conscious choices. So I suppose I should stop typing at some point. Erm, yeah. I really wish you the best. I'm really sorry you are hurting.

 

[Red Feather]

I don't know about you having PTSD or not, that is for the doctor to decide. I was kicked from my home, and became homeless in one day and it was very traumatic for me, but I think this had a lot of layers and was an addition to the severe emotional and sexual abuse I was dealing with in my my marriage. So maybe it doesn't make sense to compare. Just wanted to add that in. It's really hard not having a home, and I find I have repeatedly been homeless and that is why the home I have is one of the biggest blessing ever and I have my own share of anxiety about losing it again.

 

[Red Feather]

And another thing I want to add, again the question if you have PTSD or not, is irrelevant. But that your parents are obviously quite controlling and growing up in such an atmosphere, might have made it easier for you to reach to the drugs in order to escape that. And your father did the worst he could do by additionally attempting to control your drug use, through additonal violent measures. But I also agree with Alba, and know that eventually people need to grow up and take their life into their own hands. Forgiveness may not be appropriate in developing your emotional boundaries to your parents, but once you have your boundary, than forgiving can really help the healing process. Take care.

 

[Rumors]

Rightkindofme said: "Ask older stoners (like forties and fifties) what they have learned about relationships."

OLDER stoners????? Really??? Forties?? Wow, I am officially older. LOL!

I think you make some really good points rkm. Invaluable to have the experiences of those who have been through similar situations! It is cool to hear how well you have managed and it sounds as if you live an extraordinarily full life. Kudos to you!!