Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Haha, should be productive, but instead decided to dye some Easter eggs. :p

 

[Tinyflame]

Gee, I don't know really where to begin, but I've had a mind-boggling day I can't quite get the words to express the thoughts. Except that a big part of the perpective is entirely new. Like looking at something through a different glass. And then the second part of it, believing it, or considering it with new different info, or perspectve. I mean, I understand something very old, in a new way that never occured to me. It changes how or what I think, I would say gives me some strength, but not really my own, yet sill there. Hard to believe, even harder to explain!

And two other things came to me, too: that many bad experiences have violence at their core, or some form of it underlying it, and are often instantaneous (relatively speaking), whereas good things, getting through things, usually takes time. Like yesterday, for some reason all I could think of was an acorn. Then it's an oak tree. But never overnight.

Maybe that has a bearing on all trauma, too.

Plus, that heartbreaking things aren't the end of the story, necessarily. No matter how gruesome or horrendous. Like it was strange, I was at Church- Good Friday, couldn't help but notice I'm always 'hoping' there's a different ending, that at some part something was going to change it and stop it, or someone was. Well there is/ was a different ending, but not to that chapter. However, who could imagine when some part is so heartbreaking, there could be something better? Even without hope that there could. Because I was thinking, despair or 'end of the rope' doesn't just come when stress exceeds resources- (that's accurate but incomplete), but when hope dissolves. Not even hope for a change, but 'hope' in general. Oddly enough when I have felt lousy or sad here and there the last few days, for a change I would just tell God, not like it's news to Him, knowing everything, but I guess that's a form of 'sitting with it' (through the present). Then, usually the next day, though my expectation was zero as to it, something would happen, or I would see or hear something that was like a direct response to what I had 'said'. Really quite amazing, actually.

So wow, ya I am really amazed. My head is spinning, lol. :rolleyes:

And also, I did think, well one thing about being heartbroken, is that that means you've either loved, or been loved. I think that means a lot, as much as I would have preffered to avoid mine. But, that's part of who I am, it's ok.

(PS, apologies if necessary to the Mods, did my best to correct spelling but seems server(?) running very slow and typing not registering characters or spaces easily).

Hugs for all, Mods too. :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I had a conversation strangely unnerving with a friend, she was telling me about her relative having fertility treatments. Had several, I think. I said, I don't understand why people don't want to adopt, she said,"..you know.. they want their own". And I can't help but thinking, if a helpless child who has already suffered so much as to have no one isn't part of anyone's family, not wanted or not 'theirs', how much more must others feel as regards those not their family, as per us 'adults'? I have felt like a third wheel often around families. Suddenly I feel like staying away out of sight, of all families.

What bothers me is, just this morning I was saying the opposite to a friend, as regards himself. But hearing her, maybe others don't think that way? Idk, been a while since I had much of a concrete family unit of sorts, and don't envision one in the future.

 

[Tinyflame]

I guess it's just me. :( Was thinking, this stuff is too much, perhaps if I was in my 20's, but I'm not, been there done that. I can't imagine anything working, or any change in a 'burden' status, except for sheer will, and to hide it. Though (unforunately) it doesn't change it. Considered even meds, guess beyond not having a Dr, I know I have no advocate, if I acted adversely on them.

Have no famiy much, no supportive family. Most of my friends have their own needs and troubles- children, spouses, health, etc. Anyway, it's solely my problem, irregardless.

Tired also of being a round peg in a square hole.

Read some of what others wrote on other thread, sounds like others' knowledge of it is just negative, too, either misunderstood and/ or stigmatized, definitely ptsd is gross or frightenng or despised to them.

On a lighter note, saw this moning we had a dusting of snow, (Easter? ;) ) bunny prints all over it.

:hug: 's for all.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMG, got something here just little time to write. It's stress that triggers the triggers, and rips the old wounds open. All of the attempts to stop them (the triggers, thoughts) become like putting out fires, not addressing the source. The source is stress. It triggers traumatic stress- the stress, fear etc we felt, even dissociating or in shock, with these traumas. The sorrow etc comes with it. Stop/ reduce the stess, the triggers lose their power.

 

[Tinyflame]

OMGosh, back from work, if I had a greater ability to express myself and was less shy, I would make a thread, even if it could help one person.

What I wrote above, it is astonishing and ground-breaking for me. I understand this much: stress causes me to recognize, or react to, inordinantly more triggers. The 'regular' stress triggers (post) traumatic stress. The emotional fallout then becomes like millions of letters all over the floor, and my mind tries to make sentences out of what in reality is a big mish-mash.

It explains so much: self-harm, inexplicable turns of thought, self-destructive behaviours, mistrust, isolation, sucidality, even the (negative) thoughts associated with asking for help (the asking itself causes stress). It explains why therapy is 'worst first before it gets better'. Why suicidal ideation reduces stress for some, but causes stress for others. Why ptsd can show or resurface in our 30's/ 40's- more stress, physical pain, limitations etc. And it explains how stress reducers for one person, may cause stress in another with ptsd- everyone's stress-causes and sress-reducers are different.

I was thinking, for most of my life I've lived in an extremely cold climate (in winter). I thought I was very very resilient, always bothered by cold, but less frostbite than some people get. Now I am allergic to cold. At first the effects showed only after exposure- well, I figured that's "normal". Now sometimes they show up in the absence of cold, or take longer to go away. If it gets very severe, a person's body will starts destroying their own internal organs. But, it's not my 'fault', I didn't see it coming, nothing I could have done to prevent it I know of, probably is related to constant exposure and lower resistence, maybe even a genetic component.

Maybe the same with stess? The only difference being, (now) the 'normal' stress triggers reliving the traumatic stress. Because the past, well I would never have used the word 'stressful' to describe it- horrific, terrifying, devastating, etc etc, but not 'stressful'. But of course, it had to be. So many things are stressful: death, abuse, assault, threatened death, etc. Even surviving the suicidal ideation was extremely and constantly stressful.

But if I can recognize that much I can counter the stress, or realize what is behind why I feel suddenly unsafe, suicidal, self-destructive, self-loathing, or whatever. Whatever mistrust or self-rejection that follows I know then is just my mind trying to make (any) sense of it.

I hope that makes some sense. It is amazingly huge and the single-handed largest personal breakthrough I have ever made in terms of ptsd. I am so thankful. I woke up today feeling like I don't know how I can go on with this chronically, I know why I should, but how? I thought last night, I am so tired I am going to be 'finding' things or reasons (in my thoughts) that leave me feeling lousy- I was right on that one, I think. Got some sleep, but in the morning thought, feel badly about such-and-such, disappointed with my limitations, feel so tired I'd rather be dead. Thought, who thinks this way, that being dead could be better than this (tired)? Now I realize, the exhaustion (stress) led back to feelings of traumatic stress (and eventually the suicidality that followed it), while my mind tried to reason the 'why' in the present- what I hadn't got done, guilt for my limitations, etc. But even laughing at the bunny paw-prints, some of the stress reduced, as did 'all' thoughts.

My God, in 30 years, or after 30 years, I can make some sense of this. It's not just me being selfish, or weak, or even just 'stuck'- the only way to 'get over it' (the past) is by preventing or reducing the current stress from catapulting me into (back to) traumatic stress. The triggers are somewht irrelevant, at least less relevant. They are only relevant to the extent of the stress they cause, and most specifically the closeness or proximity to overwhelm. They more often follow the stress, than independently cause it. I think if I do what reduces stress, instead of trying to make sense of it, I will gain some strength. Not even my own, but as a by-product.

Wow, I am so thankful. And I ate, and could sleep like the dead, if I could. I never can do that. With such peace.

 

[Tinyflame]

I made a mistake (not work related), due to my own sheer forgetfulness. I pray it won't have repercussions, though I don't know how that could be, short of a miracle. I fear it will have repercussions, even serious ones. And worse yet, not just for me but another. I feel awful about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know what feels most intolerable: that it was easily preventable yet like an idiot I did it, it affects potentially another, it's a straw that breaks the camel's back, the stress of it is (feels) unbearable without the stress of repercussions that might follow. All because I forgot. All because of me, my fault.

 

[nimkekaa]

I don't know what kind of rerpercussions you might be facing but we all make mistakes. We are human and with all the stresses you are facing it's understandable. I hope you can give yourself a break. I'm hear to listen if you need.

 

[Mercy]

My sweet Junebug, dear one everyone makes mistakes. Maybe if you think someone will get hurt, it might be good if you talked with that person before anything else gets off course.

Please give yourself some forgiveness and gentleness and love the way you give it to us. Try not to hurt yourself by bad self talk. Good self talk that is understanding will help you the most.

 

[Tinyflame]

We are human and with all the stresses you are facing it's understandable. I hope you can give yourself a break. I'm hear to listen if you need.

Dear nimkekaa, thank you for your kindness. I didn't expect any response or anyone to read it, just felt so sh*tty wrote it anyway, to try to get it out. This is one of the few times I was just hoping for the support, or company. Thank you. I know I am human, and not always the brightest lightbulb in the box, but this wasn't even a bad decision, just sheer forgetting. I remembered, then forgot, then remembered, then forgot again. All the matter of a difference of 6 hours. I realize (now), I was too tired, pushed it way too hard physically. Bu never thought of stress (I never do). Thank you for that, and 'you'. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

My sweet Junebug, dear one everyone makes mistakes.

Thank you dear sweet Mercy. You know, I realize if I did a poll, likely a very good percentage of people have made the same mistake. And I suspect for lots, they wouldn't consider it a big deal I am inclined usualy to say I've made mistake when I have, though not always, but this time it was the other person who told me, or likely I still would have forgotten. Thank God they remembered, I didn't. Because too, it was outside my normal routine.

You are right, I never think of others if they make a mistake anything like I do myself, not even remotely. And you're right, it'se beyond negative self-talk (other than 'idiot, stupid,dumb as*'), more like 'negative identity'. It makes me feel like I wish I could crawl under a rock, die off. Or at the very least, considering the options get very drunk. That awful feeing of regret, stupidity, and 'monsters under the bed fear' like a child. I have done everything I can to fix it. I heard today that we have to learn to be merciful with ourselves. Oh boy. :(

I do realize, I guess forgiveness (of what I've done wrong, or failed at, or forgotten) in my world of people, has usually been followed by rage, anger and resentment (of me), or the 'silent treatment and anger', even if 'm told it's ok. Also, if I don't verbally keep running myself down (to the other person), it like they don't think I feel badly. Which is ridiculous, if they knew me (which they technically do), because I feel badly, remorse and regret, stress as is. :( But short of a time machine, I can't undo it.

I realize I've walked on eggshells a lot, last few years. I am usually blamed for something going wrong. Even relatively small things become 'crises'. Mostly I get blasted. Am afraid to touch anything virtually.Though in this case it WAS all my fault, the other is moot.

It reminds me of one memory that I recall so often, I remember when I was about 6, spilling a glass of milk on the table. The table was full of breakfast stuff (loaded), think it went on the floor, too. Just remember my mom who was there (just us), not getting angry at all but saying, "No crying over spilt milk!", and 'honey', and cleaning it up. Never got angry, even though she had to get me off to school, get to work herself, my sisters/ the dog- the place was always a whirlwnd of activity going on, it seemed. I reemember feeing so relieved she wasn't angry. Later as an adult, she was that way too, in my 20's, before she died we had a lot of terrible stress and intractable problems/worries (not our 'fault' or choices but due to 'life' and happenings), or if I did screw up she would just think of, or focus on, whatever (I) could do/ could be done now. Never ran me down. Or acted like she felt angry. Never threw it in my face, then or for years later. It left more energy to do what could be done 'now'. I really miss her, tears my heart, and her (that) way, when I think of that or am reminded. :(

And I've made the mistake of trying to quit smoking last few days, kind of required. :(

Thank you dear kind Mercy, as always. ::hug: