Met Someone New....

[Springer80]

I feel a bit rubbish....and tired and fed up and emotional. I do so much work to try and make myself feel good about myself but still I feel on my own and lonely. I feel a bit sad and flat.

 

[Springer80]

A curious little interlude
From falling through a door
Exhausted of looking
The door was in the floor
And only when I sat cos I could no longer stand
Did I fall into myself with the hand of a man
And once on the other side, of course you can't go back
The room we were in vanished before I knew what to say
The best things vanish quickly and also somehow stay.

 

[Springer80]

Right....I know there has been a break from this and I've missed stuff out because I can't feel and write at the same time.

The guy I met....he understands trauma,...

He has said things like 'trauma changes a person, some people don't get that, but some things you can't change the impact of'

He said regarding a lot of false accusation stuff that is going around in the press re: historical abuse cases ;what people don't understand is that nobody in their right mind who had experienced that would want to put themselves through a court case for media attention or cash.'

He has admitted that when he was a pre to mid teens he was abused by an older girl who had some pretty hardcore and disturbing fantasies and that he didn't resume a sexual life until his early twenties. When he has talked to me about these things, or rather offered them up, he has thrown in comments like 'It must be hard for a girl....especially when male culture is so predatory'. All I could manage was 'Yes'.

He has been very tender toward me and I feel increasingly tender toward him. The problem is though that with this tender/intimacy I dont know how to do the emotional trust bit. I want too but seem not to be able to do it gradually, I want to show all my hand in one go and get the stress out of the way. I can understand how that would be overwhelming but I also don't want some co-dependent relationship. I must be responsible for getting on my feet.

Also what is confusing is that as I've physically broken down and out of acute ptsd, the jitters I've usually had around people/men/men I'm attracted too, have dissipated. So you see its hard to tell whether I'm feeling like this cos it's just finally the physical window I've been waiting for or whether its also him, who he is, how I feel about him. Of course having depersonalization doesn't help and the fact I knew and have always felt that this physical sate that I now can finally inhabit is here, drags up memeories of people I was in love with but couldn't share this space with.

Finally for the icing on the cake, this physical space where my body isn't being shaken apart by ptsd judders means I can enjoy and begin to control my sexual experience, which is so fantastic I could cry. It's a BIG deal and whoever I share it with will unwittingly be a BIG DEAL in my life. In a weird way because I'm connected to my body again it feels like first times but what with being in my early thirties and more confident my libido seriously wants to make up for lost time/scratch that itch.

However, scratching said itch has a lot to do with being emotionally open about where I am and that involves the vulnerability of having someone accept and receive the tender heart that goes with being able to connect with someone like this for what feels like the first time.

Confusing....If I go with my libido...its okay but very short term and although very physically satisfying I dont want that level of intimacy to stop in the bedroom.

PS when he was at my flat one time we were talking and he was doodling and I looked at it again the other day and it has a heart in it top centre right??

 

[Springer80]

I dont want that level of intimacy to stop in the bedroom.

I answered my own question there but he honesty and trust this requires is like trying to pull a cork out of a bottle, I'm scared of he pressure release and being let down because of it.

 

[Abstract]

Wow Springer. Sending you support.

 

[Springer80]

The thing is if I let someone see me how I am , if I say, yes I like you, yes I want to spend the rest of the day with you then I have to show (what admittedly I'm not really hiding very well anyway) but I have to acknowledge/confirm the holes/effects/realities of my life according to my trauma.

I have to say I've been isolating for a long time and I don't know how to start again.

I have to say the reason why I'm in health and work limbo is because I can no longer deny my history but I also do not know how to move forward in a way that allows me to claim it. Which I dearly want to do.

Also I feel that really the claiming part I have to do for myself and largely by myself. I want support, I want love but until I have this cracked...well you know the score but he is also very very lovely I think.

This is my main problem how do I construct a life that claims my past. I don't mean theoretically, or intellectually or in therapy I mean an day to day ACTION that professes and exorcises my truth. I mus no longer walk in the shadow of my experience and when that is happening, even if I'm not far down the road with it, that's when I'll be able to have a relationship. OR...if somebody understands that and is willing to where that road leads.

I suppose all I have to say is that I like him very much but I can't have just a physical relationship and take it from there.

 

[p-no]

Just a few thoughts I hope will help, and if I don't, just ignore.

when he was a pre to mid teens he was abused by an older girl who had some pretty hardcore and disturbing fantasies

Do you think he tried to relate having noticed something about you? Or do you think he has a history of trauma himself? After all, there often, not always, are reasons why victims become victims. Have you considered going along, i.e. choosing a trauma you would like to share with him (if you do at this point at all) as one option?

'It must be hard for a girl....especially when male culture is so predatory'

Did he throw these comments in with regard to the girl who did what she did to him? If so, does that not mean he was finding excuses for her behaviour?

I want to show all my hand in one go and get the stress out of the way

What does "all my hand" consist of? Does this refer to your trauma history or does it refer to your feelings and worries towards you? If it's trauma history related I think putting it all out there at once can have quite the opposite effect of what you would like to happen. Maybe I just don't understand the English though. (Sorry.)

I also don't want some co-dependent relationship. I must be responsible for getting on my feet.

Why do you think that not putting it all out there (if trauma related) would increase your risk in this ending up being a co-dependent relationship? (From what I understand, that's what you said suggests, sorry, if I misunderstood.) One way or another, you are and will remain responsible for getting and staying on your own feet.

I think that's where boundaries come in, too. If your partner becomes co-dependent (ever, somewhere down the road of the relationship) you can still talk to him about it. You don't enter into a relationship and all will stay the way it is at the beginning. You constantly have to review, reconsider, reevaluate... what you and the other wants, needs, wishes for, etc. That includes boundaries. That includes co-dependency. A partner can not be co-dependent first and become it later. It's then that you have to act, you know, as soon as you notice. In German language, marriage (but let's assume "long-term partnership" is fine, too) is referred to as "harbor of marriage", as in two ships are sailing into the harbor of marriage. A harbor though is a safe place; waves and storms are saver to be overcome there. I don't like this reference at all, simply because a relationship is something that can change simply because people change and so do circumstances.

I can enjoy and begin to control my sexual experience, which is so fantastic I could cry

I wrote the exact same thing (paraphrased) in my private diary the other day. :) Springer, this is something fantastic and something to be proud of and blissfully happy about!

 

[p-no]

if I say, yes I like you, yes I want to spend the rest of the day with you then I have to acknowledge/confirm the holes/effects/realities of my life according to my trauma.

Do you really have to or do you FEEL you have to? Do you feel you have to in order to be fair to him? You don’t have to tell him about those holes and effects and realities at the beginning. You can let it come gradually. He knows he is getting to know a human being and he knows that can entail things he does not yet know.

I have to say I've been isolating for a long time and I don't know how to start again.

I think you could also just tell him you like him and you feel a bit insecure about it and ask him what he feels and thinks about it all. Maybe he’s just waiting for that hint from you to go ahead.

why I'm in health and work limbo is because I can no longer deny my history but I also do not know how to move forward in a way that allows me to claim it

You don’t have to tell him this. You could tell him that you needed some time away from work, really away from work, to have the time and space to find out what you want to do with your life. This is true, isn’t it? You can give him the truth without giving him the exact details. That’s okay! You haven’t known him for long and this can protect you from standing there (figuratively speaking) naked, vulnerable, with him knowing all the details. Also, allow him to process things at his speed, too. Let him ask questions. Answer those that he finds important. And tell him the things you want to tell him when you are ready, always keeping your safety and well-being in heart and mind.

When R. asked me where my PTSD comes from, I said that there very different incidents, some of which are stated on the information sheet on PTSD I had made for him. On that sheet, I had stated e.g. “death of loved ones (family, friends), no real details. When he asked me for the symptoms, I said again to look at the sheet, I put all my symptoms there. Again, no details but general terms like “issues with processing”. I also put “flashbacks” and doubt he knows what those are, but he can ask.

One time, I felt that he thought my PTSD were “nothing”, that he didn’t get the extent to which I am affected. I then said that I have very low energy and that if I had to work, I would not be able to write him four or five times a week, but that then it would be possible once a week if things go well or once in two weeks normally. He brushed it off (in a nice way, I mean) and said: “Don’t worry, I really don’t mind about things like that.”

They can ask; the good thing about that is that you proceed in getting to know each other including trauma history and PTSD, but at their and your own speed and giving away only parts each time. Last time we talked he asked something about my ex-husband and I told him he had Asperger’s. Talked a bit about it (he asked things, too, general questions not re my ex-husband specifically) and then I said something that I realised the instant I had said it said that my ex-husband is one item on my trauma list. I had not wanted to share this, but it popped out. He put two and two together, and it’s fine. You’ll find your way.

I suppose all I have to say is that I like him very much but I can't have just a physical relationship and take it from there.

If he really is that tender and lovely person, if he really has an understanding of trauma and of the bigger picture what he said is suggesting, then I think you can just say “I like you” and he will know you will want it to be more than physical. And you can always ask him what it is he feels and wants.

Also I feel that really the claiming part I have to do for myself and largely by myself.

As for the claiming/trust part… At the end of the day, every deep relationship requires a leap of faith from both parties, i.e. putting trust in the other person involved. It always makes me think of skydiving: if you don’t take that final step out of the plane, you just won’t make this incredible experience of free falling. At the same time though, it’s important to not cross your own boundaries there and take that step before you’re ready. I have found for myself that wanting and maybe even longing for something and not truly being ready for the experience can result in a very hurtful experience. Don’t jump without the parachute on your back. :)

:hug:

 

[Springer80]

I can only seem to occupy a particular space in my head to exclusion of all else and this place is where I am physically compatible with mind and body. The only way to articulate (in both senses of the word) his space I inhabit is to 'wake the tiger'.

I literally feel the lacerations inside my flesh. Every now and then the feeling of them becomes wholly in the present and I cry out of nowhere from heartache and physical relief.

Being with S had made me feel like a warm gentle hand was carefully and painlessly removing scabs from all over my body. Underneath is thin silky scar tissue that wants to be touched but that only can be with admitting and showing my hurt.

I'm trying to think how the feel of this new place looks like. So I can start doing what my therapist Dawn taught me. This sort of thing is too big and too upsetting to experience on your own. It has held up and diverted and confused so many areas of my life. I can't support or contain it or its affects anymore. Nor can I sit hear and ignore it. I think it has taken me a year to get strong enough to be able to tackle it. I can feel it like it's going to rip a hole in my chest coming out and irradiate my brain.

I suppose I;m ready for the pain of getting rid of the pain. I feel scared.

 

[Philippa]

It is scary. You're very brave Springer80

 

[nursenurse]

Women seem to be hard wired for the most part to equate sex with love. I want to "be intimate" because I am in love. I don't want to be in love because I have been intimate. Just my 2 cents. And I have failed miserably upon occasion :)

Honestly, you have expressed quite poignantly what a lot of us feel when it comes to pain, trust, and relationships. I don't have PTSD, but I certainly identify with what you have written. And thank you :)