Does Dating Make You Feel More Numb?

[piratelady]

At the advice of my therapist I started dating again back in December. It went horribly. The good thing though, is that I was in therapy and received help from him to pick up the pieces. I just started making a second run at it last month. This time it is going much better so far. He seems nice enough, and I enjoy his company. Despite that, it is still triggering my PTSD a bit and I am having a hard time. I am going to stick it out though, and bring it to therapy to work through.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, as was said before, only you can tell when/if you're ready. When that time comes (or if you are now), it will be difficult, there will be bumps in the road, but your therapist can help you work through those. Dating, has been an excellent opportunity for me to learn to identify red flags and work on assertiveness, which is helping to heal my PTSD.

 

[Work It Out]

I don't really have anything to say that hasn't been said... I just have to say, great topic, and great responses.
Stuff, I have thought *exactly* the same things you said... multiple times. And because I convinced myself of how bleak and dark the situation was, I even became a "man-eater" of sorts for a while, and felt awful about it. In the end, all I can do is hope that the damage doesn't last. But anyway... no need to focus on what doesn't work! ^_^ ;)

But as for how you've been feeling:

It makes me feel less and less like I ever want to have a relationship again. I don't know how I will ever find someone I can actually trust or relate to, and even if I did I'd just be a husk of a person, so it's not fair for them.

(It makes me tense to even look at that, it rings so true for me!) But what I've learned is this. Men and women are very different. If you aren't ready for a relationship, that's all well and fine. But beware this "emptiness" and "husk"-iness you feel; don't be so quick to write it off as a bad thing. I've found that in relationships that I've had since, these sensations can actually help me build stronger relationships. You see... men, often, but not always, are simpler than women - on the surface, that is. They don't necessarily *want* a crazy, super-emotional, super-reactive person around them all the time. They want someone who is peaceful, and centered. Someone who is fun. I found, as long as I was able to focus on the future, and I was with someone (a relationship, whether it be with a man, a job, your family, whatever) I could pour great amounts of energy into things related to it (working out, exercising, cooking, cleaning, working, yard work, etc.) that made the relationship stronger. Having that empty feeling inside me helped center me and prepare me for me work; doing and finishing the work helped me feel fulfilled and strengthen those relationships.

That being said, set your own pace! (As everyone else has recommended.) I think the process I described can be applied to any type of relationship... with children, parents, spouses, or even just with yourself. Keep a light heart; you have enough self-awareness to propel yourself through many trials.

 

[Peter Scavnicky]

Well its all about psychology, one of my fellow described the problem at we-found-love.pl

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You don't get slammed, SoL, but you may feel like you were. You've crossed someone's boundaries (mine, too) and that's why that someone speaks up. This has nothing to do with you, but with your statement. It could have been me objecting to that, but when I was reading on, I saw, Delta had said it already. I can see no (as in zero) aggressiveness in Delta's post.

In an open forum, as long as I'm following established rules, it's not my problem if someone feels their "boundaries" we're crossed. I made a general statement that is true for a lot of guys on those sites, and delta got his panties in a bunch thinking I was sexist. I was not. The poster is female hence why my statement was made that way.

And in reference to being jumped on, I'm not being "overly sensitive"! I really was jumped on in another thread for making a statement about how things are in the States and someone from somewhere else jumped on me because the OBSERVATION wasn't true worldwide. And yes, I posted it as an "observation", something I've overheard.

It's obvious we don't get along here on the forum as this isn't the first time we've had a disagreement of sorts. I won't interact with you any longer.

 

[p-no]

I didn't say you were "overly sensitive", and I am not going to comment more. Good luck, SoL!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Lmao. You blamed my feelings.

That's like saying I can go around calling people every name in the book and then if they get offended, blame their feelings and not my words!

If anything, Delta is the one who should take a testosterone chill pill because I wasn't bashing his manhood. Lol.

 

[pathos]

Can we comment with our own feelings about dating? I'll go ahead and assume yes and apologize later if we can't...

Personally I've tried dating only a few times and I also feel like I lose myself, but in a different way. It's sort of like I'm so appreciative that someone might care for/about me that I go out of my way to do anything for them, relinquishing my personhood completely. I'm just so terrified they will leave me or see that I'm not what they wanted, because I find it absurd to begin with that anyone would actually want me! I've never gotten past that stage because I eventually find a way to tell them I didn't want to be in the relationship to begin with, I was just too scared to say no.

The thing is, I DO want to be in a relationship. Terribly. But the people who've asked were not people I wanted to be with, and I can't possibly ask those I do want to be with. Plus, I can't imagine myself functioning in a relationship. I don't know if I could ever be intimate with someone. But I'd probably end up saying yes to whatever they wanted just out of fear. That's not really functional...

 

[Luke]

I think you are brave to try.

I concur with this sentiment. It is simply brave to try. Maybe that, in & of itself, should be commended. It is just hard to "try". It is.

It just makes me sad about the world.

I have these feelings too. I also feel like "the world" is getting on & making out just fine without me. I feel like I just need to accept who & what I am, & integrate & incorporate myself within "the world" & it's people... but maybe with a detached docility towards & within my boundaries, & conversely within the preconceived imperfect yet aggrandized ideals people have projected onto me. I often feel like I'll never exceed my boundaries, or live up to their ideals. So, I'm stuck somewhere in the mean of this two notions... just floundering in my interpersonal ineptitude.

Dating is like a concentrated & exaggerated & truncated exploration into that silly scenario I've just described. Somewhere between my being "worthless" & "worthwhile". I have to choose to either be charming, or just disconnect & recede into & behind my tacit "boundaries".

I have constructed this vapid model to illustrate this arbitrary point or assertion: If nothing else look at this endeavor as an exercise. An exercise that strengthens & develops your ability to integrate & incorporate yourself both within & without your boundaries. As laborious as it may seem at times, there's gotta be something positive to be derived from this exercise. Even if it's just crazy stories (of which I have a few) of your adventures on & with these dates.

The good thing though, is that I was in therapy and received help from him to pick up the pieces.

I agree with this ardently. It's good that you have some guidance. I would suggest you utilize it to it's fullest. Ultimately you are the decider, you control yourself, your thoughts, & your actions, but it doesn't hurt to receive reflections from a professional either. Sometimes we're (& I'm like a bat at times) all blind to things that are as plain as day in the dark of our sight.

Good luck.

 

[Cautious newbie]

Luke - beautifully written, a real pleasure to read and understand your thoughts on this thread. :cool:

 

[Kathryn Wyant]

Everyone think same after few dating with different peoples, But dont worry about it it happen to many people, Try more and in a different way, You ll find better person for your life...

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

About a year ago, I got so lonely that I tried internet dating, on a couple of the top free dating websites. Was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever had. Dated three women over the course of several months. The first one was overly obsessive, and wanted to practically move in after one date, and it was just too smothering for me. The second one was great for about a month, then suddenly started throwing demands and accusations at me, calling me a liar and a cheater. Started going through my personal effects and cell phone. I didn't lie to her about anything, and I wasn't even talking to anyone else. She and I weren't even in a formal, committed relationship, we were just dating. The third woman acted like she liked me a lot, and things were going okay until she traveled one weekend to visit her cousin and aunt, who are both drunks. They convinced her that she needed to dump me, and they didn't even know me. So, she came back very cold, distant, and then dropped me like a hot plate, saying our lifestyles didn't "align". So, I became so bitter and resentful as to how I had been treated, that I finally gave up trying to find someone. I told all of them that I had ptsd, and couldn't go to crowded, noisy events, because of social anxiety. I wanted to be upfront and honest about my personal boundaries and limitations. These women all had some deep issues and a turbulent past, but I accepted them. They couldn't accept me, though, and I actually ask very little of someone in friendships and relationships.

 

[durbin]

I know how you feel I seem to screw up every date I try to go on. Either I cancel or screw it up never to hear from them again. Recently I was in a relationship and she knew my problems and said she would understand.....well guess what she didn't. I have a feeling no one will ever understand and I will be forever alone. I didn't ask for this!