How Do You Know If You've Given Up?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Just that really, the title I mean. How do you know? What if you've given up but only for now, how do you know if you'll ever be able to be not "given up" at a later stage?

 

[Spring]

What do you mean, specifically?

 

[Red Feather]

I struggle a lot with the knowledge that I gave up. And a part of me still wants to give up. And I struggle with the knowledge of this part too, because it makes me think I won't ever be able to live life fully, if a part of me always wants to give up. How can you be happy that way? I do not know how to fix this. It's tormenting me.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

specifically?

I have nothing to live for except the hope that eventually the waiting for therapy will end and I can try to rebuild my life. In the mean time I can't remain attached to the world or any emotions that I may feel because its all to distressing. Every time I've thought I've been worn to rock bottom, I've learned there's further to go. I need therapy or at least some basic help and I've been put on a waiting list since last August, every time I think this time is the time I get an appointment I get told that I have to wait longer instead.

So I'm waiting. That is all I'm capable of doing. So that is all I do. For a month or a year, however long it takes now I will wait, with nothing else to live for. There is barely any point in going downstairs except so everyone else doesn't worry or to eat, but I'm not hungry. I am on standby. I wish I could be turned off until the phone call comes. I think I will wait, but I have no hope anymore, no motivation. I'm feeling more and more suicidal by each day and what holds me off is one day life might get better. There is nothing I can do in the mean time and I'm losing more and more of myself to this numbness. I am struggling and my prescription is to wait, so I suppose I must. I just don't know any more.

 

[quaintpapercut]

You sound so down right now. I'm sorry things are feeling so tough for you but I also really understand. My first thought is that you need to reach out to whatever org has you on their waiting list and update them on your condition (that you feel like you are getting worse). Are you able to go to your family doctor and get a note indicating same so you could submit it as proof?

 

[p-no]

Depending on the country you in, there can be organizations that offer limited counselling, for example here there's one that offers 10 sessions, one per week usually, to cover waiting times or emergency situations (i.e. complementing therapy sessions).

I think quaintpapercut said something very important: Tell them about how you have been feeling. They can't know if you accept them saying you'll have to wait longer. Tell them your symptoms and about the depression and maybe also ask them if they know of any organization that can cover for now.

I really hope this will get going soon and you will get help!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I've felt this way for ages and said as much, but I've kept a better grip on hope that it wouldn't be long to get the help and it's all a matter of procedure. It's not that they've told me to wait longer, I phone them every month after the session I have with my social worker. This time I was pro-active and phoned before; they've told me that very few of their staff are able to/qualified deal with my sort of problems, they've also told me they can't even give me a rough estimate (originally I was told 4 weeks, then 4-6 weeks, now nothing). They've told me I am a priority, last month I was told I was at the top of their list, this month, I've been told that I'm moving rapidly up the list. They know my voice when I phone and who I am.

I will talk to my social worker tomorrow and let him know how I'm feeling. If I'm not allowed to see a regular therapist who has some therapy training because they are under qualified, how much should I rely on my social worker? I can't lose him as well if I say too much and upset/scare him. I'm also going to ask if I can have more regular appointments as my 2-3 weekly sessions seem to fall on the 8/9th of each month making them 4.5 weeks apart.

At least when I felt scared and anxious and filled with despair they were intense feelings, now I don't even have that.

Thanks for your help.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I will talk to my social worker tomorrow and let him know how I'm feeling.

I think that's a great idea . I would ask him exactly that - how much can you rely on him given that he's aware of how destabilized you are? I wouldn't accept him leaving you flapping in the air. It's hard to be our best advocates sometimes, especially when we are feeling so vulnerable and unwell. Do you have anyone who you trust who could maybe help you as well?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I feel distant from my Mum at the moment, but I have told her - she seems to agree that it's difficult and there's nothing more I can do than wait. My sisters are vaguely aware. I have a friend and I've told him that I've not messaged him because I'm in a bad place right now and he asked me to elaborate, I did a bit. I'm doing everything and burdening myself on everyone I can.

I know I'm not, but I bring misery into all of these people's lives pointlessly, for my own selfish gain, because I must just wait. It neither helps me nor them, now instead of just me being upset, I'm still upset but so is my Mum, I shouldn't expect these people to suffer for me or to give me constant support, but I do it anyway because I'm told it's the right thing to do, even if it feels wrong.

I don't feel like I trust anyone, but I'm pretty sure that's just me pushing everyone away subconsciously. I don't know though. I don't know anything anymore.

 

[p-no]

Kas, is there some kind of psychological emergency hospital/clinic or unit within a hospital you could go to? We do have that here; you don't have to stay, you can just go if it's an emergency and talk, and they figure out together with you whether you could/should stay or come back just for another session or when you feel the need to.It's like a hospital here, so if you have state healthcare here, it's covered.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I don't know, I'll ask my social worker tomorrow. I don't know if I'm actually suicidal. It just seems like the only other option to waiting, that doesn't mean I'll do it, it just means I think about it, even fantasize it but I don't think I'd actually do it. I don't like drawing attention to my problems but I'll try to be completely frank with my social worker and say how much I'm struggling. Thank you for your suggestion, I hope there is something like that, I really, really do.

 

[p-no]

Those crisis centers (psychological units/clinics) I was talking about are not for suicidal people but for people who need help and want to proactively help themselves in making use of their offer. I went there once because I needed someone to tell me if I just FELT as if I were going crazy or if I actually WAS. It was a state of emergency for me emotions-wise and I needed to talk to someone. The good thing about them is: Open 24/7 and you just go (depending on how many are there, you would have to wait or not). No calling, no referral, just go. Plus, you actually see a doctor (psychiatrist) or a psychologist (a mental health professional). They usually know what they're doing.

I do thing a social worker can take it (being frank). He's not your therapist. My cousin is a social worker and she can take a lot; other people don't take on "our" stuff as "we" sometimes take on that of others'. (Not saying you are, but saying this in case you do this and that is why you are worrying.)

Wishing you well!