I'm so relieved to have found this subject/topic. I have such an ardent & adamant subconscious & conscious conflict where this is concerned. Recently, I've realized I've been expressing it (in circuitous terms) all my adult life. I'm not a robot. I'm not a phlegmatic archetypal tough guy who doesn't need touch or comforting, although I must seem like it the majority of the time. Sometimes I just crave a connection, even a fleeting connection, but like many of you have mentioned, I am reluctant to allow that connection with anyone I know well.
It's such a vexing paradox, because the only people I trust enough to really "touch" me underneath the masculine armor, are the very people I have maintained a subtle & affable distance from (as I am cognizant of just how vulnerable I may be to them, & how they subsequently may hurt me as a result). I have been berated (often emotionally) for that distance, & repeatedly. It's innate, I don't even do it purposely. It's such an ingrained defense mechanism, & it's done with such adroitness, it astounds & perplexes even I. At times, I recognize these patterns, but the protective instinct is so powerful, & it's so much easier to dismiss thoughts of anything else, I succumb to the habit. I gently push people away so consistently, eventually they just give up & accept it. Then, I have accomplished the protective detriment to intimacy.
Then there is the disassociation. Occasionally, in intimate moments... usually when something affectionate &/or emotional is requested of me (& I feel amiably backed into an unexpected corner as a result), something occurs & I just elude the entire impetus (mutual or otherwise) by just affably checking out.
In years past I used to go out & indulge in fleeting "connections". However, that backfired the last time I did that when a sustained & continuing "connection" was pursued & requested. Ultimately (due an extended series of seemingly trivial events such as kissing & inquiring about certain bodily scars), that crashed & burned when I instinctively flinched away from her (violently) when she touched my thigh while bathing me in compliments the next afternoon.
So, I am alone. I am exceptionally adept at relating to & with people & I attract them because of this, but conversely, I am isolated. The isolation gap protects me. It is easier. It is subconsciously logical. I torture myself with thoughts of wanting to close that "gap". To be touched (& not just in a lascivious &/or salacious manner) & held & all that intimate mushy goodness... but maybe it's just not to be, or indeed, simply impossible. My last long-term relationship? Almost 15 years ago. I meet people, they are attracted to me, then I convince myself there is a "gap", & I produce myriad reasons as to how or why it cannot be closed.
As of last summer, flashbacks & PTSD exacerbation made me extremely difficult for me to touch & be touched. It became especially salient in the fall, & it wasn't until this spring that it began to subside. Eventually, for maybe the second time in my life, I confided to someone as to what was happening & why. I'm conflicted about having done that too. It was sort of an explanation & apology as to that "distance". Now, I'd like to be touched. I'd like to have some connection. Maybe I'd disassociate, maybe I'd flinch away. I don't know. I'll never know unless I try. Now i seriously feel like I'll never have the chance or opportunity again. I am still very tentative & timorous, & I have never been able to initiate such things (I have never kissed without being kissed for that "first kiss" for example). Maybe that part of me is just dead. Too haunted by the wraiths of it's past to crawl from the grave & dust itself off.
Lately, I don't even feel "human" half the time. I'm like a colorfully striped animal in a cage. They come to gaze at the animal. They lean against the bars. They aggrandize the animal, & show it to their friends as if it were somehow their own. Ingratiating the animal, & their familiarity of it, as if a vague discovery of some sort. They toss some sustenance into the cage at times, but no one really feeds it by hand. No one ever really enters the cage anymore, & I/it seldom leaves its confines.
