Relationship Constantly Getting Pushed Away And Brought Back In

[Kit]

I am new to ever having to deal with someone with PTSD.

A bit of background on the situation... I met him two years ago when he had recently been honorably discharged due to medical issues from the Marines. He had also been diagnosed with PTSD. (Technically we knew each other in high school, but never really talked until then). When we first dated, things were absolutely wonderful. He liked to go out, we'd spend endless amounts of time with each other, and things were just good... Until he pushed me away for the first time. It hurt... a lot.

He has gone through a lot of emotional trauma since had been back home. I have been around for all of it; including his best friend (and my friend) dying in front of him (motorcycle accident), and many other situations that just drained him; including bad living situations, other friends passing, money problems, etc. He became a very serious drinker and was drunk almost every night when his best friend had passed. He had also turned to smoking like a chimney and doing drugs (marijuana, not hard drugs) to numb his pain.

It eased up a bit and we became very close again when he had gotten better; not drinking at all, stopped smoking, but there started to become a problem - He continually decided to have emotional connections with other females, never physical, but very intensely emotional. I pushed him away for awhile because I could not handle being a secondary woman in his life (I had been cheated on my ex-husband) and it was way too hard to handle. (Mind you, also, he would NEVER commit to the relationship and always said that he couldn't make anything solid with anyone since he did not know how anymore... We were always just "seeing" each other.)

We continually fight about this because we keep going in this circle. We "ended" things at one point and I had tried to start a relationship with someone else to move on (months later) because he decided to get in a physical relationship with someone else (biggest armageddon fight we had ever had), but he kept wanting to be with me and hated the person I was with (for good reason sadly) and wanted me back in his life...

I hate this because he constantly tells me how much he loves me, loves having me around, has no deeper connection with anyone else than with me, but he sadly had made a connection with someone else (same person in the above paragraph) that hurts me to the core and he refuses to just end things. He knows how much it hurts me, but everytime we try to come to a conclusion of just "ending it for good" and not even being friends, we end up talking a few days/a week later. It feels as if I am his only constant in his life...

I don't even know if I should hold on anymore.... I have been through thick and thin with him. He tells me he loves me and cares about me even though he has this other person. I DO love him. We have an intense connection when we're around each other... there is no question. Even others can tell how much we both care about each other. We are physical even still though I know it's probably the worst thing to do when I am confused as I am.

I have no idea what to do... Everyone thinks I am crazy trying to be there for him when things get bad. (He would had no luck if he didn't have bad luck...) Is it normal for someone with PTSD to be so indecisive of what they want to do? To start relationships just for the emotional connection and then just end the abruptly out of no where?

 

[ms spock]

Hello Kit,

are you seeing a psychologist to assist sorting out your issues? It might be a good thing for you to do whether you stay with your PTSD survivor or not. Ironic for me to say it but we really can't support other people until we are able to look after ourselves.

Good luck.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Is he in therapy?
#1. Avoid anyone who has a mental disorder and refuses to see a therapist.
#2. Avoid anyone who has a mental disorder and isn't actively managing the symptoms.
#3. When dating someone with a mental disorder, begin therapy for yourself. You need to have your own issues figured out so you can set good boundaries, and so you can stand alone when your SI has fallen over.

What you describe, to me, sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. And, you mention an ex husband who cheated on you, and a boyfriend you tried to move on with... but who was unhealthy as well. This suggests that you are picking unhealthy people to date, and there must be a reason for it. You really should get help from a therapist. Sort out your issues. Not just focusing on this PTSD issue, because that's not your issue, that's his issue. Focus on why you're picking these men and also, why you are obsessive about this PTSD guy... which is the kind of relationship you're describing. He's cheating on you... but, you

have an intense connection

with him... and it's so intense that you're still getting physical with him.

He sounds like he uses your "intense connection" to get you to meet his needs and then uses PTSD as a reason to not meet your needs. That's bullshit! You deserve better. You seem to have a lot of sympathy for him and so you let him get away with treating you badly. Don't. Don't ever do that. Go find out why you don't think you need someone who will take care of your needs too. Stop enabling him. Start taking care of yourself. You will feel so much better once you do. And stay out of relationships for awhile... just so you can begin working on yourself.... to get yourself in a better place so you will pick a better partner.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Don't make someone a priority when you're only an option.

Sorry if that sounds rough, but yes, he's treating you like an option. Don't believe the words so much as the actions.

 

[amethist]

If my sufferer was seeing other women for what ever reason, it would be the end of the relationship, no matter what the excuse was.

Have you stood back and looked at it as if PTSD was not part of it, would you honestly say you would stay then. If not, then why now.

As others have said "You deserve better"

 

[Kit]

Is he in therapy?

He is not in therapy and refuses to get any sort of help. He thinks the VA is just a waste of time. I hate to say this, but I think you are completely right about him using his PTSD as an excuse.

Thank you for the replies... I really wasn't sure what to think and you're all right that he's using me as an option. It really is sad to come to this realization, but it is because I feel sorry for him because I thought it was associated with his PTSD, but it really isn't.

I deserve much better and need to get on with my life without him in it. I have had the worst luck with men since my divorce and I need to seek out focusing on myself than trying to fix others. :(

 

[nursenurse]

I cringe every time I read about intense feelings and the physical side of things, these are common in the unhealthy relationships I read about here. Healthy relationships are borne over time, after those intense feelings have mellowed into something deeper and more life sustaining. I agree with SoL, as well. You seem to be an option. Why? You need to be the only game in town for the right person, and he isn't the one. Plenty of PTSD people out there do not abuse the situation or the people they are with. Your guy is in full denial of his PTSD and of his philandering ways. Get out of Dodge, get therapy for yourself, find out why you are attracted to those who abuse you your love. Singlehood isn't a bad option, especially when you need to find out who you are and what you need. Take time for yourself. And learn to expect more from those around you.

 

[Kit]

You are right. I need to start helping myself. I guess technically Even a friendship would never work because the feelings are still there at least on my side.

Singlehood isn't a bad option, especially when you need to find out who you are and what you need. Take time for yourself. And learn to expect more from those around you.

It has been a hard road for me since I got married young and never really got to date around. (High school sweet hearts) I will work on expecting more from others. It has always been my downfall to give people too many chances and benefit of the doubts. Again, thank you for your kind words. I do appreciate the help.

 

[HelloMo80]

End it. Walk away and mean it. Do not take calls. Do not email or respond to emails. Do nothing.

Sounds hard...it's not as hard as you think.

Unless and until he does something different, he's using you for emotional comfort. Period. He might call it love, I call it manipulative. How do I know? Been there, done that with a guy who did much of the same. I walked away, cleared my head, built up my self esteem, worked (and am still working on) my issues and saw my role in the madness (because no matter how "effed" up someone is, the truth is YOU chose them and I had to come to terms with why I chose the way I did and stuck around for years to deal with the pain.)

Truth is he will continue to see that other chick, meanwhile telling you everything you want to hear. He does it because he can. It's allowed. You have no idea what he tells her about you to keep her hanging on as well. That shouldn't be your issue. I'm saying that because while you may dislike her it's not about her. It's about him and you and his blatant disrespect of you and how his actions affect you. PTSD doesn't make folks do this...it may make some things come to the surface, but those are issues he's more than likely already had. The "non-commitment" is one of the best examples of that being his personality. Yes, folks with PTSD can have issues with connection but they don't go and form other lasting connections similar to the ones they avoid with you with other people. No. That's not how it works.

Walk away. If it's meant to be, circumstances will always come around in order for you to re-establish a connection. I'm proof of that as well. But leave with the intent of staying gone. Not to "teach him a lesson." You deserve better than this!