Do Abused Children Try To Earn Their Parents Approval?

[HëllaBubz]

I seek parental unconditional love

I'm in the process of teaching my childhood friend (raised in similar circumstances) that wanting this is completely normal, and when parents force their religious and screwed up opinions in there as well, it's normal to want to retreat and feel hurt that they are not being what they are supposed to be.

Whenever I talk to my therapist about fixing the relationship with my Mom

I fired my psychiatrist yesterday because when I wanted to talk about analyzing my relationship with my father, and wanting to know if I should withdraw and give up on a lost cause, or if it's me and I should look at the situation differently and work on it.
He just laughed and said that it might be hard for me to accept, but he would not talk about anything that happens outside of the room. When I thought about it, and then asked why, he laughed and then didn't answer, just stared at me.

I'm still really f*cked off about it, and honestly I think I should be able to discuss and understand the one remaining abuser in my life that I cannot cut out because of other family members.

For me, I want to get dad's advice, and let him be the father figure in my life, but every time he starts talking about religion, and doesn't understand why certain things are no longer possible for me, he makes comments like "this wouldn't have happened if you had stayed at home under your parents' guidance", or, "it's your own fault for getting into this" etc, which induces nothing short of rage from me.

So for me, I wish to stay a LONG way away, and I will deal with him so infrequently so any exposure to his bullshit will be minimal at best.

I want my mum's approval, and I get it. She is pretty supportive most of the time, occasionally she can say some rather unthoughtful things, but she has actually apologized for some of the things that she did, and acknowledged other things, which has really helped in my coping with what happened.

 

[shoulderblades]

I am just one of many abused children that grow up to spend their entire lives trying to regain their abusive parents approval. I need to know if there are others out there that agree with this.

Yep. Struggled for YEARS to gain the approval of my entire family. I just wanted them to accept me and love me for who I am, but that was apparently asking too much. I had to be what THEY wanted me to be - and even when I tried to mould myself into what I thought they wanted me to be, it still wasn't good enough. I always felt like a failure, like an outsider, like I didn't fit in. My family made me feel worthless unless I managed to do something that pleased them - and if I did manage to please them (which wasn't very often), it never lasted. It would return to scrutiny pretty quickly and so I would be back on the Approval-Seeking Carousel Ride all over again. They blamed me for everything, including my mother's death (she died of cancer). I was the family scapegoat.

I cut my family out of my life ten years ago. Best decision I ever made.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I fired my psychiatrist yesterday because when I wanted to talk about analyzing my relationship with my father, and wanting to know if I should withdraw and give up on a lost cause, or if it's me and I should look at the situation differently and work on it.
He just laughed and said that it might be hard for me to accept, but he would not talk about anything that happens outside of the room. When I thought about it, and then asked why, he laughed and then didn't answer, just stared at me.

Uhm, stop me if I'm wrong, but no psychiatrist or therapist would have a job if they only discussed what happened within those 4 walls. What kind of stupid statement is that?!? It's almost as if he was using a diversion tactic as he doesn't agree with how you've handled things with your family.

Good for you for walking away!

 

[shoulderblades]

He just laughed and said that it might be hard for me to accept, but he would not talk about anything that happens outside of the room.

What...? What does that even mean? You can't talk about anything that goes on outside of his psych office? Wtf! Your whole LIFE takes place outside of his office. That is such an absurd thing for a psych to say. :O_o: Good on you for firing him.

 

[HëllaBubz]

It's almost as if he was using a diversion tactic as he doesn't agree with how you've handled things with your family.

He enjoyed using diversion tactics with me. At least with my old psych, he would tell me where I was asking things that weren't possible and why, this one would just look at me, not answer or ask a question that would divert the question away.

The final straw for me was him making inappropriate comments about nutritional supplements I'm taking, which also backed onto initial comments about his not being confident about me surviving off medication, when I told him that I was coping fine without it if I had ongoing professional support, which was also the opinion of my previous T. I also do not want to have medication going into my baby if I can help it.

He then tried to push me into getting a 3rd opinion about medication with a pregnancy psych, but I refused.

My biggest concerns right now are how I'm going to deal with my parents once my baby is born, and how to keep mainly my dad from triggering me with bullshit once I'm dealing with the birth, I believe I deserve to work through that stuff, rather than being run around.

But going back to the original question from the OP, yes, I have sought my father's approval in the past, but now that I have my partner, so long as he and I are happy, I have now had the opportunity to turn around and tell dad that his opinion is not wanted, needed or relevant, the only man who's opinion I care about it my partner, everyone else can get f*cked.

 

[ericaboo]

I cannot cut out because of other family members.

This is also something I would prefer to discuss more with my psychotherapist, because my neglect/abuser is beloved and supported by several of my most beloved family members. I can't seem to bear cutting them out to get rid of her.

Still, I do feel that the therapist is helping me to obsess less about this issue, which I understand. It is my family members' choice to advocate for family unity, and it's not "mine" to choose. If that continues to drive me away, I suppose I could look at it like, "their loss. "

Still the fact remains - it's my loss too, because I do love my family, and grieve for the loss of special times with them that I'm missing. Especially being able to see my neices and nephew grow, and to be a part of their lives...

The more I concentrate on learning assertiveness skills where I am (300 miles away from my family), the better the chances I can be around them at a later time, and avoid being walked on.

 

[HëllaBubz]

The more I concentrate on learning assertiveness skills where I am (300 miles away from my family), the better the chances I can be around them at a later time, and avoid being walked on.

Absolutely, that's what I'm working on right now, I really want to find a way to make things work with my old man, and my psych being a useless #$%& doesn't help that end goal.

 

[Mommyof5]

Yes, many kids do and grow into adulthood continuing to try to gain parental
approval from parents that will never give it up.

We love, give excuses, blame ourselves, and rhuminate over the past wondering,

"Where did I go wrong? What did I do?"

We didn't do anything wrong. Our parents failed us; we being abused and neglected adult children.

Deleteing negativity from your own life is what is most important in leading a happy life. You are not wrong for your decision, you ARE strong.

Do not feel ashamed for gifting to yourself and your own family peace and love. By all means, you deserve an applaud. Not many of us are strong enough to put our foot down.

Forgive yourself, it's time. I wish you all the peace you so deserve.

- Mommyof5 <3

 

[just me here]

For 35 years I would have blamed everything on the parent that brought on the misery and caused all the anger, especially because she was a stepmother. After the past year of therapy and a fresh objective view of what has happened and still happens, my father gets all the blame. She is just a flaming B***H, but he is the guy standing with the firehose watching the family go up in flames, he would rather see her anger targeted on anyone else other than himself and let anyone else suffer the damage she causes rather than grow a pair and tell her to get real. They are both dead to me now, her long gone, him deeply gone.

That paragraph was written by me 2 years ago when I separated from my parents for good, in a thread about placing blame on the perpetrating parent or the enabling parent. Somehow I lost my resolve and started in feeling guilt at my inability to be the good son and earn their approval over the past 2 years. Reading about others and the common feelings we share has helped me get back on track. Thanks.

There are so many thoughts in our minds that don't stand up to even a little bit of objective analysis. Thoughts like "I need to be what my parents want me to be" or "honor your father and your mother" and "if my parent thinks I am crap then I must be crap" or even "I am not even allowed to think poorly of them because they are my superiors".

So many thoughts. Some put there by evolution and the need for infant survival to continue the species, some put there by malevolent parents in a sick attempt to share some of their self doubt with the next generation, and sadly some invented by our own child minds that have stayed way beyond their useful lives and pollute our adult brains.

I am doing my best here, thanks for all of the help