Can't Take Other Sufferers Seriously?

[Porep]

Sometimes I read posts and I wonder if they really have PTSD. The ones where people post about being super high functioning (bragging?) and in the same (virtual) breath complain about life.

I guess it's because so many times I've disclosed my own PTSD to others and have gotten the "me too!" response. I hate it. I hate feeling like I was bitch-slapped, with a side of judgment. You know, the kind of "I've overcome it, why can't you?!?" sort of condescension. It just makes me question how these super high functioning people can have PTSD when they are so unaffected. I just walk away. I hate being judged.

 

[Evuf]

I am super high-functioning, but I've had a lot of therapy and worked hard on myself, and made the most of the assets of PTSD... sigh. It's a hard question to consider for me, because when I read the title of your question, I was so ready to jump on the bandwagon- the ones that bother me are the ones that say - my boyfriend is distant, could he have PTSD, or... my parents yell at me, I think I have PTSD. Basically, I don't like people jumping on the bandwagon. PTSD is damn serious, life altering, very very disturbing stuff. It hasn't stopped me from functioning, but it's seriously impacted my life, blown me very far off course and reduced the quality of my life.

I function well, but I have to wonder.... what would I have been like without the trauma. Gosh.

But I never want to 'bitch-slap' someone with judgment. I can cope well, I have been sooooo blessed to be able to have a stable job and marriage, but... I sympathize with everyone who really has PTSD and I feel a great sorrow for their suffering, and try to be compassionate for all of us, sigh, we all need it.

So, I just worry that I'm one of the people you're talking about. :(

 

[Use]

Sometimes I read posts and I wonder if they really have PTSD. The ones where people post about being super high functioning (bragging?) and in the same (virtual) breath complain about life.

You have to keep your own thinking in context though, because it doesn't sound as though you are. The facts help me achieve this problem, and that is this... of the 100% of people diagnosed with PTSD, only 5-6% of those diagnosed have what is considered life-time PTSD. That means around 95% of PTSD sufferers can function back into life, OR, will recover to function back within life.

There is also another group within PTSD that is often discarded, being within that 95% you have what is called high-functioning, however; that is a coping mechanism. If you took the persons foundation away from them that allows them to function, usually their job of which they're a workaholic, it all comes crumbling down and that 5% or so would grow higher.

Whilst the coping mechanism is a negative, it allows them to still function as part of life, have a job, have a meaning for purpose in their life, which is what keeps them going and is a greater positive than the negative of it being a coping mechanism.

If you ask most high-functioning PTSD sufferers whether they have a social life, the answer will be no. They often remain single, or have a partner not living with them (f*ck buddies, so forth), they're devoted to their job and work long hours, maybe exercise or other entertainment, and sleep. It works for them... and that simply means they're a little luckier than that 5% who will never function fully again. I am in that 5% and it took me a long time to deal with it. I don't want to be, I want to function more, have a job, so forth.

I had to change my thinking towards those with PTSD who don't endure at the level that debilitates them, but still they are debilitated in other ways, such as being locked into workaholism, can't have real relationships and other problems. There are those who have it all... but still suffer bouts periodically... though they are few and far between without issues in other areas of their life.

 

[Tuhaw]

I think when people here post about overcoming something they do it to try to encourage or help others. If you think they're judging you then you can tell them that or report it.

To be clear: I don't think anyone here should be invalidated. People are at different stages of recovery and that needs to be respected.

I can't agree with your comment that if someone's high functioning then you question whether they have PTSD. Isn't high functioning what everyone's aiming for? If someone with a PTSD diagnosis is managing it then they probably worked very hard to get there and shouldn't have that invalidated by others questioning the diagnosis. In the same way that someone working very hard to try to get through each day in one piece shouldn't have that effort invalidated.

Whether people are high functioning and whether they judge you are two different things. High functioning on its own is not a sign that someone doesn't have PTSD. I think it's important to see some people doing it, or there wouldn't me much hope for the rest of us. The point is, they shouldn't judge you or condescend. They might not realise they're doing that. This is a well moderated site, you can always report it.

 

[Bodeho]

You know, the kind of "I've overcome it, why can't you?!?" sort of condescension.

That would be condescending and insensitive, but did someone here actually say that to you, or is that just the way you feel when you hear that someone is doing relatively well?

 

[Wozesi]

I grew up in a family that frown on displays of emotion, so no tears, no anger, no love. My mother buries her head and my father dominates with daily criticism and voicing of how everyone else should be. So I was trained from a young age, to bury things and act as I ought to.

I was abused by a friend of theirs when quite young and I kept it secret and still do, because I'm still in touch with my parents, still want to please them and still fear their reaction to that.

Those fears have been reinforced by a rape that happened when I was 15 - but I was drunk, I'd done something disobedient, so I deserved it (I believed). I went to school praying that no one would ever know what had happened.

Then I found love in an abusive relationship, I had my neediness met, but my family disapproved. I was also on drugs. When I left and gave up drugs, I believed that I had got myself into that mess by disobeying. My reaction was to be perfect. I went into a relationship with a much older man, never went out without him, because he disapproved of that. I got a job and I never argued with him. And I wasn't abused.

Then I left him (went against his wishes) and ended up with a man who pushed me into sex and then tried to kill me.

Within 6 months of that happening, i got it into my head that I had to change my life. I was in denial that the attack was anything serious, and didn't relate making those life changing decisions to what had happened at the time. So I gave up my basic part time job and went to university. I also worked a few hours a week and dedicated the rest of the time to my children.

I would leave my essays to the last minute because I couldn't concentrate. Then I would get in such a panic that i would fail, that I would switch off to everything and work in a dissociated state to get the work in on time. I now have a first class degree. But I didn't go to the graduation ceremony because I lost touch with the person I was when doing that, as soon as I stopped. I don't feel connected to that time, or proud of anything.

In this time I also lost any friends I had, and I don't make new ones. I used to have to pull the car over I was in such a state on the way to uni at times. But I'd get there, and it is so important to me to be seen to be ok, my uni self would kick in.

Now, I go to work and I play my role there. It's not a job that I need a degree for, because i felt I needed to do something that took time, but didn't pile on expectations. My fear of failing the expectations that are in-built in me, are every bit as attached to the belief that if I mess up, I will be killed, as somebody else's belief that if they go out the door they will be killed.

I never come on this site and boast or condescend people who don't function well. In my heart, I'd like to just stay in my bedroom and be able to cry for days and shout out so that someone hears and recognises when I'm struggling. But that's not how I've been made.

In therapy, we have agreed that I need to work on accepting trauma, re-connecting to the feelings associated to it and understanding dissociation.

My 'functioning' is every bit related to symptoms of PTSD and very much related to the context in which my traumas have happened.

I recognise that the writer here is writing to try to get through the feelings they express, and I support that. But the assumptions and judgements made of people who maintain some image of functioning, are exactly like the person who says "thats nothing, just get over it".

 

[Roto]

did someone here actually say that to you, or is that just the way you feel when you hear that someone is doing relatively well?

This is what I would want to know too. Do you ask for clarification and are you sure you are not just filtering everything through your own projections.

Isn't high functioning what everyone's aiming for?

And I would wonder if you are possibly attached to a PTSD identity. Shouldn't you be inspired by someone else having similar experiences achieve improvements? Personally I have almost never seen what you imply you have experienced on site.

but still they are debilitated in other ways, such as being locked into workaholism, can't have real relationships and other problems.

I think this is very very true. I know that I have been outwardly more functional in the past and yet internally I was actually much worse than I am now. I did't have the capacity to look after myself and would repeatedly workaholic and then crash and burn.

There are also types of apparently high functioning. The one who is seriously badly affected behind the façade and the other who has worked hard and made a lot of progress.

The other thing to note is that just because someone is able to be logical does not mean that they are necessarily suffering any less or that they think any less of anyone else.

so many times I've disclosed my own PTSD to others and have gotten the "me too!" response.

I am not sure if you have an issue when people say they relate and have experienced something similar or not. If you do then that is a worry. What stops you from getting comfort that you are not alone? Do you have to be the worst and the only one who feels as terrible as you do or what is it?

But the assumptions and judgements made of people who maintain some image of functioning, are exactly like the person who says "thats nothing, just get over it".

Agreed. I think it is very invalidating of others suffering and possible hard work and it is very judgemental.

I certainly think that some people are extremely incapacitated by their PTSD symptoms and that severe PTSD is awful but this is isn't a competition. Its about making progress.

 

[Wozesi]

In fact I wonder if you can describe what it is that other sufferers do or say that results in you taking them seriously?

 

[Wozesi]

I seem to have changed from Roto to wozesi

 

[Porep]

OP here.

The second paragraph referred to experiences in real life. Yes, I have gotten the happy/enthusiastic "me too!" response like it was some sort of party. Really? And then this person later decided to treat me like a client rather than a friend. (She's a therapist in training.) That didn't fly with me (I have strict rules about keeping therapy separate from friends) so I decided to move on.

Another person threw it in my face. Saying "well *I* got over it!" In a tone of voice that expressed disapproval with where I am in life (unable to work). So frustrating.

I know we're all different. Both had adult trauma. Mine was childhood trauma. I hate people thinking that because it was so easy for them, it should be for me. Easy being relative.

I'm not saying we should all give up, whatever. I'm saying its frustrating to have high functionality thrown in my face (by people I actually know) with a side of judgment. These experiences carry over so that I'm skeptical of anyone who talks about their suffering but also throws around the high functioning thing.

It just sucks not knowing if I'll ever be able to work. And if I can't, then the whole high functioning thing won't happen. Then the judgment continues and so on.

And I'm not projecting. I get all kinds of nasty things said to me by highly functional people who look down on me because I don't work.

 

[Opi]

I also wonder if some high functioning people really have it. If they do then maybe there is hope but if they don't then you're right they shouldn't be hanging around here making other people feel like they are not doing enough to feel better.

 

[Iveja]

I can't see any evidence of people who go to work judging anyone here. But I can see you judging and totally invalidating anyone who isn't just like you.

The replies that gave some balanced considerations that could be taken into account, have simply been ignored. So I wonder if this thread is about learning anything new, finding some more understanding about thinking patterns, and finding a way out of negative thinking. Or is it looking for like minded people to agree and justify how you judge others?