Can't Take Other Sufferers Seriously?

[Ezav]

There was a time I was considered high functioning, two full time jobs, getting things done, but my therapist is the one who caught that I was spiraling out of control. I've been in control, mostly, and not in control, seemingly. Some people have PTSD and are in a better place. Some are in a worse place. No labels and no judgment. That is what this site means to me.

 

[Kelot]

I honestly believe that I am the biggest loser in the world, to the point that much of the time I pretend that I don't really exist. This enables me to function at my job (which is a temp job) most of the time, though not always.

Here is a secret I have never told anyone before. Maybe the fact that I can spit it out now anonymously is a step in healing, maybe not. But here it is. The only sex I've ever had has been rape, sexual assault and molestation. I don't know what consensual sex is like. I feel like the real life 40 Year Old Virgin except that I'm not technically a virgin because of the sexual assaults. But I feel pathetic and like the laughingstock of the human race, so sad that someone even had to make a movie so everyone could laugh at someone like me.

Since my last sexual assault, which was a long, long time ago, I have only been on two dates. On one date the guy pushed me down and said he wanted sex and I thought he might rape me, but he didn't. For the second one the guy was a perfect gentlemen, then later he started showing scary signs of paranoia (saying the govt would kill him) which is a huge trigger for me.

The sad thing is I don't have PTSD from sexual assaults, they were just a small part of my traumas. My PTSD is from childhood physical abuse. I am also mixed race and growing up I was called a dog and I really believed I was subhuman for a long time.

The only way I survive is by imagining that I'm a robot or android or something. The robot is good at her job because it's been programmed to perform those tasks.

I hope that this can help people understand that the fact that I can support myself financially doesn't mean I'm healthy or doing well.

 

[Ehare]

You are brave for sharing and yes I think your story should teach those that judge others suffering without knowing more.

I think it is perfectly understandable and normal in a sense for someone who has had so many incidents of non consensual sex to not have had a relationship with consensual sex. It truly doesn't have to remain that way and healing is possible.

You are a valuable human being and I hope you find healing and the relationships that you deserve.

 

[Ufu]

The only way I survive is by imagining that I'm a robot or android or something. The robot is good at her job because it's been programmed to perform those tasks.

I relate to this, it is the way that I work too. I am trained to be that robot and never to complain.

I hope that this thread is written with the intention of people finding greater understanding for those who cope in different ways to themselves.

 

[Abe]

I am certainly not judging you and saddened by your story, despite being someone who feels unfairly of those who manage to function well and/or seem to cope despite their PTSD. Whether it is seeming to cope when not or otherwise, it is true that you are able to do things that I am not and as such I am (naturally) slightly envious amongst being hopeful of myself and filled with respect. I know it's irrational to feel that your message is a personal attack on me because I know it isn't, or that somehow your situation is more justified than mine when we are both justified and it is fair for people who feel misunderstood to want to explain themselves.

For me the rapid assessment of people is a defence mechanism much in the same way that depersonalisation works for you (and me also). It's not so much judging people rather than analysing the most probable parameters a person falls within- that may sound the same but it's the only way I can assess how much of a risk every action by every person around me is. But sometimes it doesn't work well, and with uncommon or a lack of variables my brain jumps a conclusion out of necessity to protect myself whereby I suppose often others don't come off too well.

The biggest reason people who work (anyone, not just those with PTSD) instil fear in me, is because I feel stigmatised - that I am not worthy to society and because I know that I am not able to work (despite the fact I may look like I'm able to work) but worry they might feel think I should anyway and enforce that. When it comes to people with PTSD who work, I feel that I will be judged by them or others around them, that I should be able to meet their standards - which is why I jump to the conclusion that they must be "better" than me - either in a state of health, as in more healthy or as a person, they are simply superior - which I feel of every person but here I must admit a little envy. Really I should see them as more able rather than healthy, and I do, but in some sense to me they mean the same thing.

There is a level of respect for you here, but the fear is more prominent. Yes, I suppose it is a judgement but it is not against you and you have not been singled out, it is of everyone, nor is it negative, it is merely an assessment as to what risks you present to my person. It is uncontrollable, it is not malicious, it is not fair to either you or me, but it is what it is and it happens and I am relieved to know I am not the only one as it only adds to my constant level of self-hatred and guilt. I believe that it is not wrong or right, that there are better ways and worse ways to make such decisions of safety - or even better to not assess people around me so strongly and see everyone as a threat. No one is in the wrong, and like so many things what I'm doing could and should be better but until I learn new ways of functioning it's all I have.

Ajot

 

[Abe]

I'd like to throw some more examples of envious judgement out there - those who can maintain a social life, those who have successful long-term relationships, those that have a healthy family, those that have a safe home, those that can leave the house, those that can experience emotions fully, those that have something to truly live for other than fear. PTSD or not. But the reason I feel more judgemental of those with PTSD is because I don't know how they have got there, but I want to know desperately because I want some of those things and surely they've had similar obstacles to work through, I hope to be like them one day but there is an element of envy and jealous impatience. I struggle accepting that it is ok to want good things for myself another thing I have to overcome. All of this is negative I realise, but still something I very much wish for. It is not personal against you, it is personal against me - I'm judging my self by the standards I imagine in you and beat myself with them unfairly.

Ajot

 

[Sudasu]

Now you are recognising the thoughts that are causing your problems, you can begin to change them.

When you are judging people, stop when you catch yourself doing it, and ask yourself what you actually know about the person. Unless you have been close to them, chances are you know nothing at all.

I wouldn't want you to want what I have, because, as you say, what my life is like is purely in your imagination. There are no obstacles gotton over, and work isn't a place of fun and happiness. There is no respect or care there and I don't know a single person who gives a shit if I earn money or not. It is very unpleasent to have someone imagine they know so much about others and that they can't help it.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but you can help yourself - not over-night, but to stop putting yourself in the position of being helpless would be a start.

 

[Apake]

Abe,

I think some people have an idea of "work" based around Ford's factory or something to that effect. Show up at 8 am, punch a timecard, be "watched" by a supervisor eight hours a day as if in Bentham's Panopticon, take a half hour lunch, go home. It's an empty existence and designed to be that way to maximize the profit of the industrialist. That model is breaking down in the West as there are desperate people elsewhere willing to go to the factory for ten cents per hour.

That to me is a flawed view of work. I think someone who has a garden and exchanges vegetables with a neighbor or sells on the farmer's market is working. Or just eating the vegetables themselves. Someone who puts up a website and gets $5 in google ads is working. If they make $0 but have a google ad up they are working. Cleaning someone else's house in exchange for beer is working.

Finding some way of producing value to someone else is working. Whether monetary rewards come right away or not, it's still "work." I'm sure the person with the garden contributes far more to society than I do pushing paper around.

If you look down on yourself for not showing up to Ford's factory everyday, that is like me feeling subhuman for not being of "pure" race. The people that made me feel inferior were wrong. But now I find myself still trying to hide my race even from people who think being mixed race is "cool." It's irrational but it's one way I learned to protect myself from being called a dog or whatever.

I think the goal for you and me should be believing we have value and that we are capable of producing value in whatever form that might take. That isn't easy for me coming from an abusive background but I believe it's the right goal to work towards.

 

[Apake]

Oh, Apake is Kelot. I didn't realize the name was going to change.

 

[Ehare]

I actually think working on recovery and trauma is the hardest and most impressive work there is. I never judge someone for not working in a 9 - 5 job as a result of PTSD. Or any health issue for that matter.

I understand and think jealousy is normal.

I don't think the thoughts expressed in the original post are ideal though as there is no apparent drive to challenge or change the misconceptions and a certain apparent comfort and satisfaction in them. And the type of judgement is unfair on others. Jealously is somehow different as it is linked to wanting something.

I even think judgement happens and is normal to an extent as long as we are challenging ourselves on it and recognise that it is unfair on the person we are judging. I understand using any functionality of someone else as means of beating myself up.

Being able to do something rather than not is of course an indication of functionality in that small department. Personally although I do feel envy at times I also look towards it to see ways that I may grow. I see functionality as many faceted. There are a million different ways that someone can be functional or not. Someone working may in fact be at a very similar level as some who are not except that some who are not may be better as self care and self soothing or less dissociated than the person working.

Not everyone of course. I know that for some not working is about barely getting through each minute and I have been there too.

I am actually generally less able to work as I have recovered more - so far. I am less dissociated and I am better at knowing when I am overwhelmed. I also use less destructive coping. As a result I can't hide when I am triggered or in anxiety overdrive very well any more. I can't keep going as I did. I am much healthier internally but on the outside I look much less functional.

 

[Fovuf]

I get very stressed by other people having financial security. Sometimes I see a post here with a picture that happens to show their nice house and if I'm not careful my sympathy for the person can vanish immediately. So I have to be careful. If I'm not, I tend to go straight to judgement and I want to think they have unfair advantages over me. I'm envious. Someone else having a nice house can make me feel threatened and fearful. But that's only the meaning I'm giving it. It isn't a fact.

the reason I feel more judgemental of those with PTSD is because I don't know how they have got there, but I want to know desperately because I want some of those things and surely they've had similar obstacles to work through

Challenging thoughts like that is part of how people get to better functioning. You said the fear it brings up it's uncontrollable and in one way that can be true. We have to learn skills and tools to change our reactions. Without them there isn't much we can do. But we can learn them, and practise them a lot, and then it is controllable.

I think how people improve their functioning isn't anything magical or out of reach. It's the usual steps of working on self-care, self-awareness, questioning unhelpful thoughts, learning skills, practising the skills, asking for help and support, etc. Those are hard steps and they take time and perseverance.

Not comparing can be very difficult, but it can be one of the most important things. Something that helped me with that was hearing someone say that we're here to be the best that we can be. To me that means: not the best that someone else can be. I don't have to be "as good as" this person or that person - whatever I think that looks like. To me, "as good as" means having the same sort of financial situation, to you it sounds like you're applying that to almost every area of life. Which is very hard on yourself.

I don't have to be "as good as". I just have to be the best that I can be. That doesn't let me off the hook, because I need to work hard and challenge myself to improve, in order to be the best for me. But it means I don't have to feel afraid because someone else is doing "better than me".

 

[Beli]

I'm pretty young and supposed to be in school but I'm not and no one is making me go. What saddens me is whenever I try to do something it ends up in a relapse in the hospital and when I would suggest that I could do something my dad shoots me down and says it's impossible for me because of my diagnosis. I always try to work harder to improve myself but it always ends in failure...