Disclosing Self-harm To A Loved One

[Candleflames]

or 3 or 4 or 10 talks if that is how you need to proceed to fell comfortable, loves and accepted. I think big topics like these need to be more of ongoing conversations done over time and in doses. That way neither of you will be overwhelmed. Our friends and family will, hopefully, remember the smaller nuances of how our conditions are expressed if we keep the conversations focused on one aspect or topic. You could start with that you have ptsd and what it means. Then on another time talk about how you got it and if you comfortable some of the details of your trauma. There's a really good thread over in Discussions titled "How Can You Explain Ptsd To Others" that you might find helpful. I know I am.

How much to tell to whom and when is something that preoccupies my thoughts quite a bit. I find it helpful to tell people something like "I really want to be able to answer that question but I need time to sort out how" when they ask questions that I am not quite ready, ie too scared, to share about.

What do other people think? Does a primer on ptsd first seam like a good idea? or maybe a prolonging tactic? Does laying it all out at once (the ptsd + trauma + self harm) seam like a better option to some? Or maybe just the self harm to start?

 

[piratelady]

I think I'm going to talk about it in doses. I really don't want to just drop a huge bombshell on him. Here is what I think I will try.

He does know that my marriage was not good, and that my ex was a jerk, but no more than that. I think I will start by just telling him that my marriage was abusive and that I still suffer from anxiety issues (I can't verbalize 'PTSD'). If he asks questions, I will answer them, but will be sure to hold back the details of the abuse. No one needs those details in his head.

Unless by some strange chance he asks about self-harm (I don't see that happening) I'll explain it. If not, I will save that part for another conversation. When I talk about that, I will explain that it is a coping mechanism and try to help him understand it better. I think discussing self-harm second is the way to go, since the self-harm is part of the PTSD. It seems like the right order.

Thank you again Candleflames for helping me figure out how to do this. I really do appreciate all the input you are giving. I feel like I can really do this!

 

[Candleflames]

I can't verbalize 'PTSD'

I understand that. I still can't admit some of the things that have happened to me. Can't even say or type the word. Nothing. I call it "that thing that happened when..." and my husband knows what I'm talking about.

I'm glad I could help. It really gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I think that might be affection and hope for you. I know you can do this!

 

[Abstract]

What do other people think?

I have no right to give an opinion as I have not done any disclosing but shall just say what I feel seems instinctively right.

I think I will start by just telling him that my marriage was abusive and that I still suffer from anxiety issues

To me this sounds like a great idea.

One of the things I have decided is that I want to let people in more but I want to manage the risk as I go along. So I think doing it in doses is a way of containing overwhelm for you both (as Candlefalmes so rightly said) and also managing risk. You can see how he reacts to what you tell him and that will tell you a lot about him. Then you can decide if he is worthy of you saying more. Just my take.

I am glad you have someone knowledgeable and sensible like Candlefalmes to talk this through with.

 

[Candleflames]

You can see how he reacts to what you tell him and that will tell you a lot about him. Then you can decide if he is worthy of you saying more. Just my take.

Love this.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I still suffer from anxiety issues (I can't verbalize 'PTSD')

I think this is a good idea. 'Anxiety' is easier to most people to understand, while PTSD...you'll probably need wikipedia to understand. So it is a good starting point.

 

[piratelady]

I keep trying to tell him and just can't do it. I am thinking I will wait until a more opportune time presents itself rather than trying to force it into a conversation. That could be my fear talking, I'm not sure. All I know is I think I'm creating more anxiety for myself by trying to tell him and failing rather than letting it come about naturally.

I mean, how do you really work that into a conversation? "Hi Honey how was your day? By the way, did I ever mention I have PTSD?" I know that is sort of making light of it, but that's what I seem to struggle with when I see him. Finding a good segway into that rather than just blurting it out.

 

[Abstract]

I really feel for you! I have not done it with anyone at all.

Could you start by bringing up past relationships when the opportunity presents? Maybe just starting off saying that you had one really bad relationship would be a start.

 

[piratelady]

Well, I've already told him that I am divorced. He knows a few small ways in which my ex was...not nice, but he doesn't know that it ever crossed the line into abuse. But I think you have a point and maybe that is how I could start to let him know. Thanks! :)

 

[Candleflames]

Waiting for an opportune moment is an excellent idea. As is building on what he already knows about your ex being "not nice." In parenting we call things teachable moments. Something might come up in a movie or song or on the news and it turns into an in depth discussion about hard to bring up subjects. I've been able to have discussions about homelessness with my kids because we pass a tent community from time to time.

It's hard to talk. It's hard to wait to talk. Try not to worry to much. You'll have the conversation when the timing is right. That just doesn't seem to be right now. That's fine. It doesn't need to happen until you want it to. Try to enjoy what it is your doing at the moment.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you Candleflames! I haven't told him yet but I have told him a little more about my ex, if it fit the conversation. I am going to take the pressure off myself to tell him and just let it happen when the time is right, or if he notices a scar again. I feel like I am just postponing the inevitable end, but I don't really know what else to do. I think I am making the right decision.

 

[petal_picking_poet]

(((((Piratelady)))))

I don't know how I would bring this up in your situation. Like you mentioned, I brought it up with my partner only because he noticed scars. My scars are very obviously self injury scars, so I didn't have much of a choice.

I do want to encourage you. It is a difficult conversation to have, but I know that it really helped my relationship with my partner to get us both on the same page about this.
In my experience, things weren't perfect by any means. My partner had zero experience with self-injury and made a couple comments early on that really stung. It became clear though, the more I was willing to talk with him about it, that he genuinely wanted to understand. He asked a ton of questions, and I made an effort to explain (even though it was very, very hard) because I could tell that he was making the same effort to "get it." We've gotten to a point now where he understands it I think as much as anyone who has never personally self injured can. Now he is the person I go to when I feel like I am going to self harm. It is really helpful that I can be entirely honest with him about how I am feeling. He is much more able to know how to help me and provide what I need when I say, "I want to hurt myself right now," than he was in the past when I would say, "I'm not feeling well." I am able to talk through exactly what it is that I am feeling and then feel, for the most part, understood. Definitely worth the work to me.

It sounds like you and your current partner have a healthy relationship where you mutually care for one another a lot. I am glad that he's been supportive of what you've shared with him so far; I think it's a good sign of things to come. I think it's smart that you are not pressuring yourself to force the conversation when you are not comfortable moments. So long as you remain open to opportunities to discuss it, I'm sure the time will come. I am pulling for you and really have a feeling that, while the process may not be easy, you will find that it is worth all of the work and the difficult conversations that may occur to be understood on this level, if that is what you decide is best.

I hope you'll update us about how things go!!