Protecting My Parents From Reality

[Kintsugi]

I would normally just rant in my diary but I feel I really need some outside opinions on this.

My parents and I are working on building a better relationship. Trouble is, I've always attempted to protect them from the truth. I mean, before I disclosed my abuser, I was intentionally protecting my parents from the truth that it was their son for at least a year.

And there's another layer. My parents inhabit this bizarre culture in which the past is supposed to be buried and swept under the rug. But I cannot effectively move forward in a relationship with them if they are unwilling to face the past--MY past--and deal with that first.

But, as much as I've always fantasized about destroying them with the truth of things and their hand in my disturbed life, I still feel responsible for protecting them. I don't really want to hurt them, but it is unavoidable given the reality of our past relationship.

Add to this that it is clear my father, at least, has obviously (to me) never even Googled PTSD. Which hurts me and makes communication utterly impossible.

I am torn on whether or not I should confront them head-on with my reality (thus, hurting them) or if I should just give it up and try to gain some peace with the fact that they do care, in spite of their ignorance and the burying of my past with them.

Add to this that it is possible I will publish some of my experience within their lifetime, since that is my craft and right. Obviously I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but even the sheer fact that a professor has read over eighty pages worth of material I have diligently kept from them seems backward to me.

Any opinions would be welcome. My current feeling is to ask them if they really want to know the truth, giving them the choice. But I honestly don't know how I would handle it if they said they just don't really want to know. I think that would hurt a lot more than me just choosing for them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess my question to you is what is the truth? It's one thing to say "I was molested/assaulted/attacked/whatever" it's a completely different thing to give the details of our trauma. I don't believe that we have the right to lay the details on anyone other than professionals trained to deal with trauma. However, I do believe that there can be healing and acceptance without telling everything. If they can't accept even the basics of what happened to you, can you accept that? Could you have a meaningful relationship with people who can't face the truth?

 

[Kintsugi]

I guess my question to you is what is the truth?

The truth is that they did not put any pressure on my brother to go through treatment or remove him (at the age of 20, when I disclosed) from the house I lived in as a fourteen-year-old. The truth is they knew when I was sixteen something broke in me and I confined myself to my room at all hours, only coming out when I was 100% positive he was not there. They really did know. They would bring me coffee in the morning before I went to class. They did not seem to notice that this meant I did not eat while at home ever, though I did try to make that clear to them once, the first time I was asked if I wanted something to eat after a couple months of this. The truth is that the only reason he left my house was because I threatened to emancipate myself and move in with my boyfriend if he didn't leave before I was the legal age to do so (he being a ripe 22 at that time, going on 23). Then, once I left for college, he, at 24, moved back in when I was barely gone for two months, effectively barring me from having a place to go between semesters.

The truth is that they demanded I heal faster and faster and never asked him for a single decent gesture.

I should have explained better. The truth is that they protected him instead. That's my truth.

My second summer at school, I obtained a work contract, allowing me to live on campus, purely because the woman in charge of those affairs found me sobbing when I found out I was denied one. I called home to say that because of the nature of my work, I had totally worn out my shoes, and I asked if they would help me pay for new ones. I was 19. Obviously bitter that I refused to come home, where my brother lived, they said, "You wanted to take care of yourself this summer. So handle it yourself."

When they made him move out for that oh-so brief period in order not to lose me, they financed every one of his needs.

I have come to believe that because they protected him and threw me to the wind, my recovery has been horribly hampered. I would not be bitter at all for how they've treated me if they had not so obviously treated him so differently, in spite of it all.

Goodness. I'm done ranting. Sorry the context has come out as a tirade. I am in a bad way.

One last thing. My sister reported that as recently as a few months ago, my parents were still making all of his meals. He just turned 29.

 

[rightkindofme]

So, I understand why people say "You don't have the right to talk about your trauma in detail" but I'm on the far other end of that. I've published a book with nitty gritty details of the assaults I lived through. If people read it or don't that is their problem and not mine. Thus I completely support you writing about it and I urge you to continue and to consider publication.

It sounds like you need to stop treating them like a resource. They picked a side. They picked your abuser. You are never going to be able to make them see that. No matter what you are always going to be the problem. Not because you are, but because that is the dynamic in your family. It happens.

I do not have contact with my biological family because they picked the rapists over me. No, they don't care to research PTSD. They don't want to find out that there are actual, real consequences to their actions. That might make them feel bad. If they start to feel bad it will be ALL MY FAULT THEY FEEL BAD. Don't you know?

So I'm projecting some (because I do that) but it sounds like you need to go off and find a support network outside of your family. Decide what very small part of yourself you are willing to share with your family, "Hey parents, if you want to come visit me on holidays you can but my brother isn't welcome and I will never set foot in your house again as long as he lives there because he assaulted me and I don't care if he is my relative he is a rapist and I will never be in a room with him again. If you want to live with him, well that's a choice." If you ever say such a thing be prepared to have everyone call you a liar and never speak to you again. That's been my life experience.

I think it is way better to be not abused than to have relationships with abusers. I know that lots of people say But You MUST Forgive Family! No. No actually I don't. What happened to me is something that I will not forgive. And if you think I should that is about you and not about me and you go have fun with that opinion. Somewhere else.

I'm rooting for you. I'm sorry this is hard.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't help but think that you are continuing to look for love from them that you're never going to get. (It took me a LONG time to realize my mom would never be able to love me the way I wanted...I'm not being selfish and saying I only accept a certain kind of love, rather she is narcissistic and her "love" comes with a lot of control and conditions.)

I also think that your parents made their choice. They chose your abuser over you. I think you need to face the fact that this isn't going to change. Your parents don't give a darn about your safety. Why have people in your life who don't care about one of the most important things in life, especially to someone who has been traumatized.

I think that this struggle is going to keep re traumatizing you. You're going to want that parental love, and they can't give it. Parents are supposed to protect their kids (isn't that number one?!?) and yours don't care about that at all. I wouldn't forge or rekindle ANY relationship where someone didn't show any concern for my safety.

I think that you perhaps want to give them the nitty gritty details in hope that they'll either crumble or come running back to you after realizing how wrong they were and how much pain you are/were in. I think they are stone hearted and won't give you any reaction other than "move on".

And to clarify, I'm not in the "don't ever talk about your trauma in detail" camp. I don't think we have the right to lay this on those who love us. It is selfish to burden them with those images. (Even if they ask----they usually don't know how badly they can react, that they may end up in a bad place, etc). It's completely different to write a book. People have the option to read it, and 99.9% of those won't be personally/emotionally involved with the survivor. Then again, your parents don't seem to care, so laying the details on them, eh....may not be so bad?

 

[Abstract]

Just a little confused MisAntSinshine, Sure it is my concentration that's too blame.

Do they know it was your brother?

 

[Kintsugi]

Just a little confused MisAntSinshine, Sure it is my concentration that's too blame.

Do they know it was your brother?

They do. I disclosed when I was fourteen, he twenty.

 

[who am i kim]

Good reading as I needed help in talking to my parents and it is hard. I think I still want to know that they love me but also why they could not see what was happening to me. I was living at home, did I put on that good an act and hide it all? Surely they must have noticed something wrong with their child over the years. I was always told I was a happy child which was far from the truth.

 

[Abstract]

I am constantly astounded how parents and other important people in someones lives seem to want to brush it all under the rug and pretend it isn't there. Or worse.

Missantisunshine, I was truly hoping they didn't know it was your brother. I am sorry. I will never understand it. I suspect it comes from self interest or preservation. They don't want to face the consequences of taking it as seriously as it deserves to be taken.

But, as much as I've always fantasized about destroying them with the truth of things and their hand in my disturbed life, I still feel responsible for protecting them. I don't really want to hurt them, but it is unavoidable given the reality of our past relationship.

Do you mean telling them how their actions did and do make you feel? I suspect that developing anything more than superficial connection means that these conversations need to happen.

never even Googled PTSD

I think its fine to tell your father this.

One of the difficulties I find is that actually addressing these things head on feels very exposing and vulnerable making.

When you talk about disclosing I am assuming that means disclosing how their actions affect and affected you. Is that right?

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm not ignoring this thread. It's just all too much right now for me to say anything comprehensible.

I do appreciate any and all replies and check on this regularly.

Abstract, when I speak of disclosing, I mean disclosing my abuse and abuser. Also, I do think it is self-preservation. I think my parents see my brother as their greatest failure, since this is just a piece (albeit, to me, a huge piece, and to most of my family, apparently just a small element) of his inability to be socially acceptable or productive.

My SO told me tonight that I need to stop seeking my parents' versions of reality and what is right for me in their eyes, but to still accept and believe, if I do, that they do love me. I do believe this. I just feel like their understanding and what I see as the correct course of action from them should be part of that package, but perhaps that bundle is not an option.

This thread reminds me of when I called an older and infinitely wiser friend when I was sixteen because I was enraged and desperately wanting to self harm. I stated my case, fraught with the above problem, and he said, "Get over it. They will never understand. The sooner you get over that, the sooner you will feel better."

Six years later, I am starting to think he was on to something.