Suicidal Thoughts

[ms spock]

I tell my psychiatrist about my SI (Suicidal Ideation) just about every week at the moment. She and I have discussed how I had these intense and ongoing feelings since I was a small child in order to manage a very abusive family. She says she knows it is just a coping mechanism that I developed to ironically, stay alive, if I had had no out I would have gone mad.

 

[vtap]

I have started having a plan. That scares me a bit because I know the brain is hijacked when it comes to others, but for me, it seems the only relief.

Perhaps we could try and generate more positive feelings towards ourselves. For example metta meditation may help although I have yet to incorporate it on a daily basis myself. Or we could dwell on any positive thoughts daily to create positive thinking habits. Changing our minds will be challenging but this is a first step at least.

For me, in childhood I contemplated suicide so I could stop the pain. Now as an adult it is about self hatred and blaming myself for the past. But how do I stop the self-hatred which is habitual? It is part of me and I don't know if I'll be able to eradicate it - which is a frightening thought.

 

[vtap]

I had these intense and ongoing feelings since I was a small child in order to manage a very abusive family. She says she knows it is just a coping mechanism

It seems we have similar problems. My main fear is that the thinking could become a reality. I cannot tell what will happen in the future. It is not a subject I've discussed with my family and I only briefly discussed it with my psychologist.

My mind is a mess. It will be challenging to repair the damage. I have a shattered self esteem, prone to panic and anxiety in non threatening situations, persistent negative thoughts and emotional sensitivity.

 

[ms spock]

It seems we have similar problems.

My mind is a mess. It will be challenging to repair the damage. I have a shattered self esteem, prone to panic and anxiety in non threatening situations, persistent negative thoughts and emotional sensitivity.

I realised that one of the reasons that I can't be present in the now is that I am reacting as if I am back where all the family trauma took place and I am not being present in order not to be hurt. Of course, by not being present as an adult I am hurting myself.

 

[ms spock]

we could try and generate more positive feelings towards ourselves. For example meta meditation may help although I have yet to incorporate it on a daily basis myself.

I am doing meditation morning and night and have started a mindfulness course. The mediation on a regular basis is helping sometimes and even when it doesn't seem to be helping I keep doing it.

Or we could dwell on any positive thoughts daily to create positive thinking habits. Changing our minds will be challenging but this is a first step at least.

I am really trying to do this. It is really up and down at the moment.

For me, in childhood I contemplated suicide so I could stop the pain. Now as an adult it is about self hatred and blaming myself for the past.

I can relate to your childhood extensively.

how do I stop the self-hatred which is habitual? It is part of me and I don't know if I'll be able to eradicate it - which is a frightening thought.

I am really struggling with how to stop the self hatred that is habitual. I really am. I feel so ashamed about this at times. I am concerned about whether I will ever be able to stop it as well.

 

[vtap]

I am doing meditation morning and night and have started a mindfulness course. The mediation on a regular basis is helping sometimes and even when it doesn't seem to be helping I keep doing it.

I'm trying to do about 20mins twice a day. Can be hard sometimes if I'm feeling too tired then I just get sleepy. I need to move onto metta though as that directly addresses the self hatred. But I find it more challenging that being mindful of the breath.

 

[ms spock]

I don't know what metta meditation is vtap. Could you please explain?

 

[vtap]

It is meditation where you cultivate loving-kindness towards other people and yourself. So generating these positive emotions when you meditate. Idea is to first concentrate on doing this for someone you have a good relationship with, then to any stranger , then yourself and then to people you have a bad relationship with.

 

[ms spock]

Sounds interesting vtap.

 

[Britt.f7]

I have been depressed and had SI on and off from childhood on into my 40's(where I now am). I often think of suicide when I am extremely stressed. My therapist told me that is my bodies normal reaction to stress after years of doing that. Now it's automatic. I realize, while it is happening and afterwards that it is not rational, but I have difficulty. My current therapist is helping me overcome this by talking and pointing out just how irrational it truly is. She doesn't talk to me like I'm stupid, but talks me down from where I may be at at that time. Unfortunately, you are not alone in this. I agree with the others. Talking about it helps, as well as the other suggestions on here.

As far as your past. That is what it is, your past. You can no longer fix what happened at that time. You have no choice, I feel, but to go forward and dragging your past with you will not help. I know because this is what I tell myself. There comes a time when you need to forgive yourself. I think, once you learn to do that, the rest starts falling into place. Granted, this is not an easy accomplishment, but it is something to remind yourself when you go to that negative place. Dealing with the here and now is hard enough at times. We don't need the baggage with it. I've left mine on the train, for the most part. ;) Every once in awhile it finds its way back to me.

I wish you a solution that fits you.