Enjoying Solitude

[Misul]

I bet it's a great experience.

Many people think I'm insane for wanting to go skydiving. :)

 

[WillyKat]

It's funny that some people consider skydiving insane but driving on the freeway to be perfectly normal.

 

[Misul]

Agreed. According to statistics, millions of jumps take place a year with around 35 deaths or so. The majority of those deaths are not due to equipment failure, but to the person not doing what they learned in training! I am much more scared of driving, especially having almost flipped my car once.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have not talked a lot about this with my therapist. We have talked some about the fantasy I have of having a cabin in the wilderness where I live alone.

You too? Sometimes I think the Unabomber had that right. The solitude thing. Not the bombing. (He's the only hermit I know of, so that's why he comes to mind.) But on a side note, I think I'm a bit disturbed that my iPhone can detect that I spelled Unabomber wrong and correct it for me. Apparently he's in the dictionary...

I always dream of having my own island a la Swiss family Robinson, tree house and all. I think I'd be happy there by myself.

People stress me out. I try to interact, but it always takes me down so fast. I'm seen as a freak for not being a social butterfly. I just wish that people could understand how much trauma at a young age can affect someone. I know rape/molestation is bad enough, but when something is taken from you years and years before you even realize that you had it, that is hard to wrap your head around, let alone heal from and become a functioning member of society.

Ok I'll stop my tangent now. It's making me cry. :(

 

[Misul]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, Solara.

All of the input I'm receiving has made me resolve to just be myself and not force myself in social situations. I'll do that from now on and hopefully my stress levels will go down.

 

[Pietro]

No, I don't care to do small talk and don't care about people's day-to-day comings and goings.

In a world where people now post every bathroom break on social media, it has become more and more difficult to find solitude and quiet. :) I don't like chit-chat either. I have a co-worker who constantly interrupts me, then proceeds to take 15 to 30 minutes -- or more -- just wanting to chit chat, regardless of how busy I am. He doesn't read "I'm done" signals very well; seems many people don't, these days.

I often feel guilt if I don't force myself to participate because as a kid I always got in trouble for never doing anything in a group.

For me, I've recently learned that, if I'm among people with whom I share interests and/or values, I enjoy my social experiences much more. I've been with small groups of people where we all sit in the same room and read for three or four hours. For someone like me, this is heavenly. It's the closest thing to telepathy. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to find many others who feel the same way.

My kids have Asperger's/ADHD and tend to isolate a lot. A woman I used to date broke-up with me, in large part, because she couldn't deal with the idea that my daughter would do this, and sometimes get upset if she missed-out on social activities because she got distracted by a book or something. That break-up was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. ;)

 

[Misul]

Yes, I've said the same thing about a past relationship; when I look back my partner wanted to socialize a lot and I was constantly stressed out and uncomfortable. My therapist and I think I am probably an Aspie but it's hard to tell where Avoidant Personality ends and Aspergers begins.

You're right about everyone shoving trivial information down our throats. It makes me feel suffocated. I don't want to know all the details about everyone's lives. I'm constantly wanting to escape. I don't belong to any social media sites like Facebook, but because of their influence, people have started sharing more and more of these things in person. We were already a "me me me" society before, but now it's reached a new level of insanity. Why does everyone need so much attention.

I'm too busy enjoying and learning about life to care. There's a huge world out there but many humans think they are the center of the universe.

 

[maddog]

This has turned into a very validating thread for me. Often thesedays I feel as though I must come from another planet. I am fiercely rejecting of social media, not for what it is per se, but for what it has done to the fabric of society. I am bored and intolerant of meaningless, materialistic chitchat and genuinely have no desire to participate in it. Actually, I think my assurance that I do not want to be that sort of person is perhaps my most stable and confident form of self acceptance.

There is a very very distinct difference between isolating and enjoying solitude, and it's sad to me that so many people seem incapable of recognizing the difference, or in respecting it even if they can recognize it. I have always genuinely enjoyed solitude, though have also struggled agonisingly with the devastating affects of isolation.

I do truly enjoy the company of like-minded people - it's just that I don't seem able to find them, and exposure to the wrong sort of people isn't just a neutral or irritating experience for me, it feels truly damaging and punishing of my attempts to seek human company at all.

Maddog

 

[Pietro]

My therapist and I think I am probably an Aspie but it's hard to tell where Avoidant Personality ends and Aspergers begins.

This is very true. My daughter is very social, when she's around people she enjoys and feels "safe" -- meaning that she's not get to get awkward stares or nasty comments because she's a little quirky. However, when she's done with people, she's done. She's very polite about it too. :)

From what you've described, it sounds like you just prefer certain social situations above others. That doesn't sound "avoidant". We all have to determine what situations are most comfortable for us, right?

There's a huge world out there but many humans think they are the center of the universe.

They are buying into the illusion that social media gives them. It's like being on TV, or in a newspaper -- I have my own web page, look at me, my life is so wonderful. Nothing wrong with this in the proper context, but when it becomes an addiction -- as it has become for so many -- it really demonstrates how lacking our society is. That's a whole lot of neediness and attention-seeking -- you have to wonder just how many people out there are the "walking wounded", suffering from various forms of trauma, themselves, but not yet aware of it.

 

[Misul]

I am way more avoidant than I sound here. It's very common for me to go hungry or without something I need because I don't want to be around someone else. Even in my own house. It's very debilitating sometimes. Avoidants don't hate people; it's an extreme form of social anxiety and feelings of shame/inferiority. For example, when I go out to public places, I have a deep, ingrained sense that I'm not allowed to be there. As if it's everyone's space but mine. I often don't feel comfortable with my close friends and every time I do, it feels like I'm meeting them for the first time; it can be that nerve wracking. I am constantly afraid of ridicule and extremely self-conscious. This is a huge driving force that causes me to be notoriously stoic; I don't open up to people because of fear. This is a bit different than Aspergers.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Good thread; I'm glad I came back.

A problem with social media (ie Facebook, twitter, etc) is the illusion that its making us more social, however many would argue that it's actually making us LESS social in that true intimacy on a deeper level is being lost. (Sharing "intimate" details on social media isn't a sign of intimacy in that true intimacy requires a reciprocal one on one connection.) I mean nobody needs to know that you are going to the bathroom right this very minute.

I've come to realize that....through many of these social post discussions.....that 1) I'm not a social butterfly, never have been, never will be, and that is OK! 2) I don't need to go to extremes and throw away all relationship opportunities because I don't fit in with societies mold of how I should be (whatever that is!) and finally 3) I am best in one on one relationships and situations and feel most comfortable when not in a larger group environment.

Tangent....

What about people who are the opposite? I used to have a friend who was on the other end, to an unhealthy extreme. She never went ANYWHERE without both her girlfriend and her best friend. In the last 10 years I knew her, I never hung out with her one on one. Everything had to involve the girlfriend and best friend. She didn't understand that I was a more solitary person and this became a topic of ridicule for her toward me. (One of the reasons I ended the friendship.) It was sad because we were best friends in high school. She didn't understand that I had no need to make everything I did into a large social event. (There's a lot more to why I believe her social tendencies are unhealthy; this is just a bit of the surface.)

 

[JustBe]

I stayed away from Facebook until my kids grew up. Now I only use it to keep in touch with family an one or two friends. It's easy to set the privacy on Max and keep the world out!

Recently I've joined a couple of Closed service dog groups.