Any input from sufferers on isolation?

[MnchkinAz]

My first post. I'm curious from any of the sufferers out there where they stand on this...However, I understand if it's hard to recognize in yourself, and I realize every situation is different.

Is there any type of answer of how much "contact" is too much? When the sufferer is in an avoidance or isolation mode it's so hard to understand how to handle it. I want him to know I'm there to support him, I've told him I'm not going anywhere...then what? Just wait? He has said he won't "just disappear", he hasn't told me to leave him alone, although I've offered to give him whatever space he needs. I've sent him Good Morning/Good Night texts and always get a response, but is it appropriate to send him "texts" during the day? Either I'm thinking about him or yesterday I saw something funny on FaceBook and wanted to share with him, but is that a no-no? We're in a newer relationship, so that is of course a factor. Previously he's gotten help for his PTSD, and with this bout is going for help again. I've been doing ton of homework on PTSD, but wanted to see about getting some input from sufferers that have had these experiences.

How did you want to be supported? What makes you feel supported but not smothered? Again, I understand these are very open ended questions, but any help is appreciated.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't know if I can help you, because my isolation has been a different type to what you describe here. But I am really grateful that you have asked sufferers for our insight.

I don't have a partner, but I isolated myself from friends. But at the time all my friends knew the person who attacked me, so they triggered a lot of paranoia in me, and I havn't been able to become close to anyone since then. So I am in a different situation to your partner.

However, I understand that my friends weren't able to understand what was going on with me, and that is difficult for them.

But knowing what i know now, it would have helped me if they had said, "I know I can't understand how you're feeling, but I'll still be here when the times right for you"

But despite the prejudices that surround isolation, its helpful to feel secure that friends or family are able to get on ok without me. So I would say, to also make sure that you are carrying on with your own hobbies and lifestyle while you wait. If you can be self sufficient and understand that his isolation is about trauma, not about the relationship, then I think it helps immensely (and takes the pressure out of the relationship).

Personally, I might enjoy the good-morning and good-night messages, but I wouldn't want the chirpy facebook messages when I'm in a state.

When he's stable again, do let him know that you're not sure how to help, and let him tell you. The fact that you're asking supporters here is very positive.

 

[DharmaGirl]

When I isolate, I still like a text a day. That way I can respond if my need for space is less. Just don't forget that you are a part of the relationship too, and your needs need to be met. I had seeing PTSD used as an excuse, but it is true that sometimes I need a bit of space.

Welcome to the forum, by the way.

 

[MnchkinAz]

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate you taking the time.

 

[Abstract]

Hi!

I think so much depends on the history behind this and in what way he tends to isolate. Could you say a little more? I think it would help with how others advise you.

I would like a text if it wasn't for the crushing guilt and obsession about how I am hurting the other person when I find myself unable to answer them! That might not be a an issue for him of course.

For me knowing the person is OK and not being hurt by me is probably the thing that gets me out of isolation the quickest and helps me keep the connection. Contact that spells out that it is not about trying to force me into contact or to get something from me indirectly is better too.

I think some people may feel a little stalked or pressured by texts which might make them back off more. If I didn't feel so guilty I would probably like texts though!

There are a few things to consider here for you:
What do YOU need and if this is an ongoing situation then can you do this without being harmed?
Is he really committed to you and not just doing the whole game playing thing that people do in relationships?

If you can't do this (as it is presently) long term then I think its best to have a calm and direct conversation between you to find a way for you both to get your needs met as fairly and fully as possible and see if that makes the relationship workable.

Best of all too would be to find out what he finds the most helpful if he is able to discuss these things at this point as we are all so different. Maybe you can tell him what you find helpful too.

Lastly I think its really important that he get treatment. Is he being treated. If he is not then you might need to accept that this is the way it will stay unfortunately.

With treatment and someone engaging with it I personally believe anything is possible.
Welcome. :)

 

[desperatewife]

I'm going through almost the same situation.

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD, however, he never told me about it until the day he decided to leave the house and abandoned me and my twin girls ( they were only 10 months) After a few months after leaving the house he decided to file for divorce. I'm not sure if he wants to stay away because he doesn't want our girls to live in that environment or because he really doesn't love me, like he says. ( that was his excuse for leaving) I'm not sure of how things are going with him because we don't talk much. He's a different person now and constantly abuses me verbally. I don't recognize him anymore.

I need advice! Please! I don't know whether I should move on with my girls or try to work on this marriage. I kind of not want to because now he has a new girlfriend. I think everything is lost! But I still love him, that's why I waited for him for 4 long years! I want to be able to help him :( Help please!

 

[Abstract]

I don't know whether I should move on with my girls or try to work on this marriage.

I am so sorry Desperate wife. It sounds awful. Really you have no choice I am afraid. You need to move on. If this was new behaviour from the PTSD onset then he may well love you and be acting out for all sorts of reasons. But really it doesn't change the reality of where you find yourself. It takes two people to work on a relationship. He is abusive, has left you, told you he does not want to be in the relationship and has a girlfriend. Sadly sometimes there is nothing others can do to make someone get better. I hope you find some peace and can build a new life for yourself.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Desperate wife, this doesn't sound like the short term isolation that the op is writing about. I'm sorry that you are hurting. But if he has gone to the trouble of filing for divorce, then it sounds like he has made a decision to end the relationship. And however hard it might be, it is all of your best interests for you to accept that it is that way, and look to what the future might hold. It may be that you need to stop trying and then he won't say horrible things. Relationships never end easily.

You might never know the reasons for the relationship break down, but just in my opinion, if he was trying to hide his PTSD and pretend everything was fine, then that was never going to be possible for him to live like that. And perhaps just to let it go, will be best in the long run.

 

[MnchkinAz]

Abstract - Thank you for your words, they are very helpful, and i've had some of the same questions in my head for him. Again, this relationship is relatively new, we do not live together. So far his isolation doesn't seem as severe as some that i've read. I've been thinking about it and it seems that it happens when we have plans w/ any of my friends when his aren't around, because he bails last minute, then I think he feels guilty, so he doesn't reach out. We've been out w/ his friends and co-workers numerous times and haven't had any issues. I'm wondering if being around "new" people is a type of trigger? He may be uncomfortable and feel like he can't control the situation? I don't know any of that for sure just thinking out loud. His PTSD is from combat, so I don't know if that is different from other types?

Sorry back to the original topic. Again his isolation isn't as severe, he still goes to work and I do hear from him via text even if it's just in response to mine. I don't push or ask any questions. I just want him to know i'm here.

I don't feel like he is playing a game, but until I can talk to him face to face again, I just don't know that for sure. I like this man a lot and am willing to be patient for him. To answer your question, other than the unknown right now, yes this relationship is a good thing for me, and I feel there is potential for long term here. I'm hoping that we can sit down this weekend and I can ask him some of these things you suggest (IE: how does HE want me to handle these times), I think some of those answers will help me decide whether or not we can make this work. I'm happy to work w/ him and/or just support him in whatever he needs, but I need to know if he wants that from me.

Yes, he was and is again being treated. When he returned this year (I had not met him yet) he was having some issues that he dealt w/ on his own for awhile and then decided he needed some professional help. He met w/ a Dr at the VA and they did some sessions and gave him some meds for sleeping. He stopped going and was feeling better. It's been 4 mos since then (i've known him for 2mos), and he just went back for the first time yesterday. I know he went, but I haven't heard how the actual appt went, and I appreciate that it is none of my business unless he wants to discuss it.

Desperate Wife - I'm so sorry about your situation, I can't imagine how that must feel to you and your girls. I can't speak coming from any experience w/ PTSD, but as a woman, all i can say is be strong for you and those girls. Right now this needs to be about you and them, not him. Any abuse is wrong, even when you love the abuser. Life takes us down roads we never new existed or wanted to know existed, but you will get to the end of that road and you will be stronger when you do. Good Luck to you.

 

[Abstract]

It sounds like there is a lot of hope for you and I truly hope you can work through this so that you feel better about it. I wish you both happiness. :)

He may well have higher anxiety and therefore have more symptoms around some people. Look at this as it may explain how that works a little more. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

I hope you get the answers from him that you need.

 

[MnchkinAz]

Abstract- what a wonderful explanation. Thank you so much for sharing that! It's just such a clear picture.

We chatted some this weekend, and I'm still feeling a little out of sorts, but I think I understand his lack of knowing whats going on with him. I clarified with him, PTSD aside do you want me in your life, meaning i'll wait until you've worked through your PTSD understanding. He said yes. So that matters, I still think it may be tough but he's worth it. I will be aware of my own thoughts and feelings to make sure i'm not hurting myself. I am strong enough to walk away if I feel this isn't healthy for me.

He goes in for blood tests today, so we'll see how that comes out. The Dr. spoke to him about an anti-depressant, but he's pretty hesitant about that, which I understand.

We'll see where this journey takes us, Thank you again for your kind words and support. It is very appreciated on this end!
Have a great week.

 

[MnchkinAz]

Well, I guess I found out what I needed. His words are right, but his level of respect and his actions show a completely different story. I deserve to be treated w/ more respect. At this point...I'll wait, but I can't reach out. If he decides to treat me correctly, i'm here for him if not, I can't be. It's heart breaking, but I've showed him nothing but understanding and respect, I expect even the lowest level in return. Sad tonight, and missing him.