Pyramid Of Basic Human Needs (safety)

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not sure if I saw this pyramid here on the forum or elsewhere---I'm thinking it was elsewhere since we're not allowed to link images we don't own. Anyway, if you'd like to know what I'm talking about, please google "pyramid of basic human needs" and it'll come right up.

For so long I've struggled with relationships. I can't keep them to save my life! I try, and try, and try again, but it always seems to end up in ruins. Then I saw this pyramid and a light bulb literally went off in my head. It was a hallelujah moment! I can now see why my relationships all fail. It's because I haven't even met my basic needs as a human, namely safety (I have the other needs of food/shelter/water).

I understand why many people say that safety must be built up inside a loving relationship, but I disagree that this is a must. Why? Because so many of us don't even feel safe within ourselves. If we don't/can't feel safe on our own, there is no way we're going to feel safe in a relationship. Also, I am a firm believer that we must not depend on others for such basic need. When we start depending on others to have these needs met, it can be a recipe for disaster in that when this person leaves/dies/whatever, where are we? We STILL haven't learned to feel safe on our own accord in the absence of being propped up by another.

Of course, if you're safe within yourself, then it IS the time to build up safety within a relationship, as that's the next logical step. However, I think a lot of us are missing the first step which is feeling safe within ourselves. I've read SO many stories here on the forums about difficulties in relationships, and I can't help but wonder if this is part of the problem for others as I now know it is definitely a problem for me.

I've crashed and burned in another relationship. Not a big surprise. I've decided to not seek out relationships for the meantime and focus on feeling safe within myself. I think this is where my focus needs to be for now.

The pyramid goes up beyond relationships into having a feeling of accomplishment (I don't have this) and then achieving ones full potential (right now I don't have a prayer of getting there unless things improve!). I'm going to work on the base of my pyramid and hopefully I'll be able to move up higher.

So safety... This is a HUGE struggle for me. People don't understand it because, as they say "there are locks on the doors." Hmmm. So NOT helpful. I feel so unsafe at times that I am willing to walk away from everything and everyone in an attempt to feel safe. (I've been to that point a number of times.) This appears to be irrational, but to me, it is quite rational. It is only irrational to those who don't know what it's like to feel unsafe, as these people take their feeling of safety for granted.

I know what I have to to to feel safe (safer?). I've been struggling with it for quite awhile. I need to continue with putting my mother out of my life for good. I just hate dealing with all the family crap that goes along with it.

I know this is long, and if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I'm going to stop for now as I feel overwhelmed and need to log off. Thanks.

 

[ashdawn8287]

Look up Erik Erickson child development needs. That might help you too.

 

[wicked child]

Maslow's hierarcy of needs. It psychology stuff. You need the first level to start with, and so on. It your attempt to climb higher are frustrated , you might not get to to top, no meaningful relationship, no kids etc. That's it in a nutshell.

 

[Mayday]

I feel so unsafe at times that I am willing to walk away from everything and everyone in an attempt to feel safe. (I've been to that point a number of times.) This appears to be irrational, but to me, it is quite rational. It is only irrational to those who don't know what it's like to feel unsafe, as these people take their feeling of safety for granted.

I can relate so much to this. It affects all my relationships, including friendships. It also explains why I love animal company so much, it's because with animals I feel safe. I'm not sure how to fix this for myself yet, I have put some boundaries in place with my parents and that is helping. I just don't know if I'm ready for the next step.

 

[mamachick]

Maslows Hierarchy of Needs- explains normal development and the interference with the process. Most people never reach the top (self actualization) but continue to strive for it if able. 1.physiological 2. safety 3. social 4. esteem 5. self actualization

The basic physiological-food, air , water , shelter is necessary to stay alive. The next level of safety and security-kids that have met the physiological needs, need to feel safe and secure in their life in order to go off to school and develop friendships and socialize. A kid that does not feel safe and secure will not be able to socialize, they may withdraw or act out among things. If they are not getting breakfast and/or there is violence, they will not develop relationships in a healthy manner. They will be distracted by more basic needs (physiological and safety needs). Social needs also include family and friends before school age, but this is when the disruption is often noticed or identified. For me, this means that we do need connections with others in the world.

This theory poses that we cannot move on to social needs/relationships if the first two needs have not been met. Yet one could grow up normally and move through these stages successfully, and at age 40 become ill, loose job and become homeless. They may now not have safety needs met. This could cause a strain on relationships and effect their self esteem and confidence even though they had achieved this before.

I think safety means a lot of different things to us. One could move through the first four stages and be in an abusive relationship. If they get out of that relationship, their life can return to normal more easily. However, I would guess the more trauma's that they have encountered, the more difficult to feel safe and secure again.

If one moves through all the first 3 stages successfully and as a child begins good self esteem, confidence, achievement, etc and are successful, makes friends, pride self on good grade, participates in sport or hobby and goes through much of life this way-this would be ideal.

Many of us with ptsd from childhood did not have those safety needs met. So how do we go about it as adult? I think sometimes we have to work on safety and social jointly, finding trustworthy people and working through issues that might include fear of abandonment, distrust, etc.

Solara, I'm not sure what you mean about being safe with yourself. Do mean trusting yourself?

I think there is a time when we do not have it enough together to get into a romantic relationship and need to work on ourselves. If we dont give ourselves that time, we may pick alcoholics, abusives, or otherwise undesirables. We also attract likes, so if we are insecure, we will attract insecure. However, I isolate a lot and think this has been very counter productive. I think we need to work on self, trusting self, feeling more secure along with having relationships. We have to be really honest with ourselves about what problems we cause and correct them promptly. (kind of what AA says-if you make a mistake, ).

I think this Hierarchy was meant for normal development but as adults we might have to master 2 simutanously as in the above. Also, one could have great achievement and good self esteem and loose that or be set back by no fault of their own, through illness or accident. They can recover through help in relationship areas.

 

[maddog]

I think there are a number of versions of this pyramid, each of which are similar but slightly different, and all of which are subject to interpretation and difference of expert opinion about what is dependent on what etc. Frankly, I think it's one of those debates that could go on forever.

But regardless of how you visualise it, I absolutely 100% agree with Salara that safety within oneself is critical, and very often absent in those with histories of chronic abuse and neglect, and without it, absolutely every other form of need or attainment in life is unstable and usually unsustainable.

And I guess we probably all have a slightly different interpretation of what safety within oneself actually means. I know what I feel it means, and am so horribly acutely aware of the absence of it almost all of the time that it feels like a form of disease that poisons my mental and emotional world all of the time. For me, it's a strange, impossible to properly define, mix of emotional stability and security, trust in myself to manage and regulate my own thoughts and feelings, trust in myself to take care of myself in the face of everyday and extraordinary stressors, trust in my judgment and perceptions of myself and the world, ability to feel physically safe and able to recognize what that means, ability to believe in the future or that I will ever be at peace with the past, and a hundred other things that I'll probably think of at random intervals throughout the rest of the day.

It frustrates me endlessly, though perhaps unfairly, when people don't seem able to separate that sense of internal safety from the logistics of being secure, such as Salara's example of having locks on the door. In my mind, while the latter is a small component of the former, the former is a hundred times deeper and more complex than the latter, and in fact I think it's possible to even have the former without necessarily having the latter.

I think I'm getting confusing...

Maddog

 

[mamachick]

Somehow I missed the paragraph in Solaras post regarding the door locks. Understand completely now.

There are a number of versions of pyramids regarding development and are most useful for professionals in meeting the client where they are at during a particular time and must be applied on an individual basis. I also think it helps people make sense of where they are and what is in the way of what they want to achieve. I think of it as a framework for making sense of lifes obstacles.

 

[wicked child]

Another gem from psychology: The Developing Child. By Helen Bee