Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear @Muse should I ever be able to find or see in myself a tiny bit of what you or others here have said they do, that will be very much indeed!! :hug:

I believe the same, 'survival' hardly seems the 'end' in-and-of-itself, as it's guaranteed none of us will, lol. But I don't think the world is a bad place, just a combination of the individual decisions and choices of so many people. I think the thing about bad things, is that they are 'loud' by nature, whereas (infinitely) multiple good or kind acts are there everyday but do not demand attention. Like 'God' it's a small whisper, not a megaphone.

I am so sorry for what you experienced at the hands of your father. By the sound of it 'Life was not fair' because of his decisions :( , I am so sorry :cry:, not to say we can understand the 'why's' of them but YOU can and DO deserve the (that same) love you give to others. And I am so happy for both you and your H, :inlove: :tup: . Somewhere in the Bible it says something about a 'Sarah' praying to get out of her misery and shame, only to have her prayer dovetail with I think someone who lost their sight. That has always amazed me, because a) she had such bad luck(!), b) the people and prayers were unrelated, and c) they don't say she was 'nuts' or a horrible person to have been at the end of her rope. I'm not sure, can't recall if the blind man was at the end of his, too.

I like Mother Teresa's 'Do it anyway' thoughts, especially to love 'irregardless' (of everything). And also the one where (to paraphrase) 'to create even if it's all wiped out overnight', (because I've lived through that experience). They aren't 'logical', but they are 'alive', if that makes sense. I recall her saying once, she helped (rescued )an old woman and helped her eventually forgive her son, because in (likely his own breakdown?) he dumped her in a garbage can. I can understand how that feels. But, for all the 'bad' there are equivalent joys. There's that poem something about the deeper the suffering, the deeper the joy, the first sets the parameters for the latter.

I do have a problem accepting love, I guess what you said made me think of it, never have. Because I thought yesterday, for example I have a few letters I cannot bring myself to open- that I am sure are 'good' news, from someone I can only expect something kind or loving to be said. Go figure. :rolleyes:

I suspect I have become my own worst enemy.

Strange, I had a guy tell me saturday I had a "beautiful face, (that was) 'just glowing' ". Oye. :rolleyes: Does support my Theory I am radioactive though, :laugh: . Not the first time I've heard it. I just said to him, well I guess 'God' is in everyone, so everyone 'glows'. I guess, interiorally it seems strange, I feel worrisomely-frightenly-contagiously toxic.

But, I realize that's negative, and just a 'feeling', in the way that it is affected by my health/ fear/ adrenaline(?), etc. I am purposefully not 'going there'.

I did hear one thing good, that all the smallest acts that are for others are good, and because they are just a part of us we don't even realize them. So I have no legacy to speak of, or not anything large I do, but I do do very small things. Lots of 'nothings', lol. :rolleyes: I would say they still add up to 'nothing', but they are 'sweet nothings', I guess. :)

And strangely, simply because suffering is part of everyone's human condition, I figured long ago I can offer mine up, as it were. If it can go for a use, better that, and if it doesn't, it's still my own rebelliousness against suffering- not in not accepting it, per say, but in (not) believing that because it exists it negafies God or goodness in the world. My 'protest vote'. :) So I don't know my I'm 'belly-aching', if you (I) said I'd offer it up it's only logical there might be a lot of it.

Not to say however, that it has to be inevitable, or that one can't work on changes to stop it, interiorally as well. At some (big) level it has not occurred to me that it could be ameliorated, by the assistance of others, either. I guess because that involves trust, and accepting 'receiving'. As I said, something I have to learn, it contradicts what is probably a self-concept of toxicity and my own self-rejection. (I am allergic to myself, :roflmao: :nailbiting: :laugh: ).

Sweet Muse, you ARE your H's muse, and for others as well. :inlove: I am so lucky/ blessed for your kindness, sweetness, help and support. THANK YOU! :) Biggest of hugs! :hug: (((((((((((Muse)))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Junebug, you may have all of my cookies.

I was missing a piece of jewelry the other day. Without knowing Junebug said a prayer for lost things to return. I found it an hour later. My first husband died when our son was 2 1/2 yr old. I have been saving his ring for my son when he gets married. My son proposed at the same time the jewelry was found. Phew I was sweating not finding it.

Let alone what I would have done had it not turned up. I so agree it is not coincidence.

Oh Dear Whitney, I am so happy!!!!!!, especially when it was that! But you see, you were going to find it, you needn't have worried. But I do get those 'feelings'. (And it's not menopause, :roflmao: . )

I am so sorry you lost your H so early, oh God. :( :cry: Are you married now? I am glad you have a wonderful (by the sounds of it) son (like his Mom :) :tup: :inlove: :hug: ).

No, even for me, I have had such 'coincidences' that when, or if, I let myself think of them it's actually almost scary :nailbiting: (in a good way). I realize some things may be coincidences, but they can't all be. I could literally write volumes. They blow my mind. And that's just what I myself have been given. Some things I haven't even told a soul.

I try to think, that that is something very undeserved I've received, but certainly (if I remember or recall them) more than ample indication that none of us can be as alone, or perhaps as desperately hopeless, as we can so often feel.

I do realize something, I think September has some trigger in it, and I have no idea why. But, just being aware that could be a possibilty, helps me to prepare for it possibly surfacing- just knowing that much seems to squelch much. Perhaps it acknowledges it's not my 'fault', to the extent that there is a 'reason' I have not cut my self any slack for. Well, am not sure but it (just putting that much together) does seem to douse it a lot I think, like throwing water on a fire. :) :tup:

((((((((((((((Sweet Sweet Whitney)))))))))))), :inlove:, thank you so. :) :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh hee- and thanks for the cookies!!!!! :laugh:

Xoxoxox! :hug: :)

 

[Whitneys story]

Oh hee- and thanks for the cookies!!!!! :laugh:

Xoxoxox! :hug: :)

You are so welcome! Married no, I am having to much fun being me. I have not locked the door, and if it is meant to be know it will.

It is not that I have high expectations of others, I am just very independent. I know I can count on myself. I am living my life and loving it! I have two awesome sons, wonderful friends here and 3D and my volunteer work.

Had it not been for the forum reminding me how far I have come;). I look forward to what might be around the corner!

:). I am very special, we all are; we just need time to allow and acknowledge our possibilities. Baby steps :) September 2013, is a new day! We have tools to work with and know how strong you are.

Whatever might be coming, we can work through! Hugs, Whitney

 

[Powder]

Junebug,

I thought of you again last night as I was reading Jane Goodall's _Reason for Hope: A Spiritual Journey_. She says that we have light and dark in us, and whatever we feed, like love, grows. I totally want to say I agree with her. It just doesn't, for me, explain evil. And she admits that for her also, deliberate or even impulsive evil is not really comprehensible. Only that she has felt rage when her own small child was ever threatened, so she knows that innate rage/evil is possible in anyone for various reasons.

So much of what may appear to others to be "self-loathing" or self-punishment for the abuses of childhood that, as survivors, we've endured and, as a child, tried to endure, reasoning somehow we earned it. This was especially driven home to me that as a sinner, I deserved all that I got and more. God was not presented as Grace or Love, but as the reason for all the punishments. (It is a miracle that I was able to think of God as something other than the creator of Hell. It has taken a series of minor miracles--I suspect you have experienced the same, as you say, coincidences, and the like.) I am probably alive today because of a minor miracle of love. I will share it with you, though to type it and not say it out loud feels very odd. I have only told two people about this. I'm a bit ashamed of how low my spirit was at the time.

I will share it was the one and only time I was at the "end of my rope" (I was 21) and told God, I was going to end my life, and only if God could promise me there was a purpose to my suffering--that I would never be abandoned or traumatized again--and only if there was a very clear sign that God loved me, would I not go and kill myself. (I don't ever discuss, "the plan" because I don't even like to think about it now and feel it's not good to talk about.) I gave God one stop, once mini-opportunity to stop me, on my way to die. I would stop to see my boyfriend at his work, and I would act as if nothing were the matter; I left no note, nothing to indicate my pain. Nobody knew that for the last few months, my inner life had become so bleak.

I was pretty sure he'd be too busy to really give me the time of day, and that I would have no reservations about my suicide plan after visiting him. He came out to see me by my car. The interaction seemed unremarkable, but he said he needed to get something and would be right back. As he ran back inside his work, I took this a further sign that I am unworthy of love or attention (as I had been raised to feel) even by God or this boyfriend.

When he came back, I felt a bitterness inside me, as I silently told God that His silence was clearly understood. I would either be meeting Him soon, or whatever my fate would be, I rushed toward it--I gave up.

My boyfriend ran up, looking a bit happy or "impish," as only he could look at times. What could be making him smile. Certainly not gloomy ol' Eyore, me. I gave him no reason to reach out. I wanted to be condemned, by him, and by God, too. For I had already lost the will to live as I didn't believe in God as a promise-keeper anymore. I had no reason to, so far as I could tell.

As I sank further into my gloom (with tunnel vision) suddenly I saw a small grey box in his open palm. We were standing on a spare bit of plywood on the muddy dirt driveway of his work. It was an ordinary, dismal place. On his palm was an open box with an engagement ring inside it, gold, and in the shape of a flower with a small diamond in the center.

He peered at my face, looking for recognition, his blue eyes full of boyish love and dedication. He smiled impishly, and almost laughed as he asked me to marry him. (Could he not take himself seriously, ever? Always making me laugh...)

I don't know what happened to me. I think his sense of humor made me feel stupid for taking myself so seriously, and maybe I laughed at myself outwardly and not just inwardly. But his love and timing (so totally unexpected) was even more of a "sign" than I had asked God for to continue my life. My boyfriend had asked to go early when he ran in, too, so we went to our favorite coffee shop, a burger joint, hangout of ours. And we spent the time together, and I felt I was going to make it.
Things didn't improve too dramatically for me from that moment on, but I felt that God wanted me to hang on longer.
From the beginning, my H's love for me has had divine timing and always somehow was what I needed to find hope.

I have told someone that I think God loves me through this imperfect human man. I cannot see it otherwise.
Therefore, my H. or God, literally "saved my life" when I was ready to take it prematurely.
I have not been suicidal since that time, although I have had low periods.

Another time, I had a dream in which I felt the same, and God came in the form of a huge cloud. I was picked up by this cloud, surrounded in God's presence, and I heard his voice laughing at me, not mocking, but lovingly saying "Did you really think I would just have left you there?!" And the cloud set me back down to do the work I had yet to do in life.

And when I was a student teacher, my mentor, Molly, gave me a mug that read "she who laughs, lasts."

So the theme of love as a way of surviving trauma for me has been to laugh at myself and to laugh at life and God's weird sense of humor to rise above my terror and misery. Laughing at life was a first step toward love and away from loneliness.

Not until later did my H. tell me that he saw how sad I looked, when I stopped by that day, though he saw I was pretending to be fine, and felt he needed to ask me/give me the ring he had literally just picked up that AM right away rather than forming a more romantic plan for popping the question.

Love saved me, but in a sudden, silly wordless way. A sermon once said "when you live by faith, you have to take what God gives you." This proposal was so far from what a girl of 21 imagined from reading novels...but I took it as it was what I told God I needed, a "sign" of God's love and that he would keep a promise to me. It has not always been as I wanted, but it is what I needed, and more.

I hear you've counted your blessings, too. I have learned to not put God and love so to the test. That took another 10 years of trying to live in hope and trust, new things for me. :) Still not mastered...

I do want whatever is good and next for you on your journey, Junebug. I want someone for you to be whatever you need now and in the future.

I needed someone to see my light, but also to see my darkness, and to be willing to pull me out of it at regular intervals with his joy and love.

Love, Muse

 

[Tinyflame]

Baby steps :) September 2013, is a new day! We have tools to work with and know how strong you are.

Whatever might be coming, we can work through!

Dear Whitney, yes, exactly. I am very independent as well, and happy to be. A guy I hadn't seen for a few years said to me today "I'm surprised you're not married". (I thought, I'm not.) It's not from setting a standard impossible for others to reach, it's from knowing myself enough to know it would have to be different, something different from how I've felt in past relationships, to be the right choice for me (and for them).

Yes, you are VERY VERY Special indeed!! :hug: :inlove: !! :)

Oh wow, thanks for the last-even to read that Hugely helps. Hugely. Thank you (((((((((((Dear Sweet Whitney))))))))))))), xoxox.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Muse, how beautiful and thank you for telling me. I have to hurry to work but will write back. :hug:

You are so very right, without (another) acknowledging the darkness, I feel like a fraud, perhaps that they don't know me, or on a bad day can't protect themselves from me. Ugh. :( I too, did not realize some of these things a s a child were as wrong as they were. For a child to go through.

Love to you Dearest Muse, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxox. :inlove: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Muse, home on my supper break and have only 10 minutes but needed to say, thank God you didn't go through with it. :hug:

Plus that would have turned something horrific when your H was hoping/ expecting it would be very happy.

I also know, speaking for myself I feel bad when I put into words that SI stuff, but I hope you won't AT ALL, because no matter what that's the past and all turned out well. :inlove: Biggest hugs :hug: , xox.

 

[Powder]

Junebug,

I am grateful for your reading this incident in my past, when I was at a very lonely and discouraged point in my young life, surrounded, as it were with hungry wolves, and only one fellow lamb. Turns out, that one lamb was enough to save me from the wolves. My T. at the time was a wolf who I couldn't fully trust. He lost his medical credentials in a class action lawsuit for seducing his young, female patients soon after I left his practice. :( I was still living at home with my abusers/parents. I was trying to carry the world on my own shoulders. I was taking college classes in a town 30 minutes away and working two part-time jobs. I shudder to even remember what life was like then. Sometimes when you describe feelings, I feel this time come back, and I hate to think of your life resembling mine back then at all in any way.

It is very risky to not have someone to have your back in this world.

Lovely, sweet Junebug, I am grateful for you. :shy: I'm thankful for your presence here on this forum. You bring a lot of compassion and understanding here. :hug:

XOXO Muse

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Dear Muse, thank you, same here, and same for you as well.

Just a brief response here.

I didn't want you to think that you had bared your soul, been that brave (and generous) as to say reveal all that you had, and that I didn't or don't have the capacity to understand the gravity and sincerity of what you shared. I relate to the experiences, and the nightmarish situation you survived. I relate to being 'too serious', to expecting (or encouraging) the condemnation of God and others. I didn't (myself) ask for proof or a 'sign' of otherwise, but decided somewhere the planning would have to be 'greater than God' (so that he could not 'stop' it, which is rather ridiculous considering no one can be greater than God. Perhaps thinking that being that committed to the details God wouldn't choose to stop it, not have the 'bad luck' to survive it).

I can't recall any particular indication to hang on as it were based on any one actually wanting me to be here, so I can't relate at all to that. If anything, were I to 'ask' for a 'sign' as regards that I think I would expect 'proof' to the opposite- not something for me to twist or misinterpret in my thoughts (as you said the self-condemnation, desperation, shame, feeling of failure), but more so (perhaps an 'evil' thing, if/ as such exists-?), but 'worse' added to 'bad'.

However, perhaps that is just 'as is'. I can look back and see where or how I went wrong, why I am where I am, as it were, some things however being non-alterable, even then (for example, without sufficient self-esteem, certain choices would/ could never be made). So I don't know why per se I do exist, but maybe it's to understand those in the same spot. Bit of a 'leap' to try to find meaning, but I suspect it's human nature to attempt to do so. The truth is, some people are not wanted, or what have you, like there is a commercial on the radio saying, 'If I were missing, they would send out dogs, a search party, would be happy when I was found. But I'm a kid on the street, no one is looking for me." This is a harsh truth and reality, for some one situation exists; for others, it doesn't.

But - E'yore aside - ( :) ;) ), who knows Muse. It doesn't help me to concentrate on the negative, reality as it may be. Perhaps why I find it necessary to tune much of this stuff out. But, I appreciate every word you've spoken, every feeling you've conveyed.

Love and hugs :hug: :inlove: , ((((((((((((((Muse xoxox))))))))))).

 

[Powder]

I also relate to your words and the emotions of not being wanted, totally. That is a role I have raged against and rejected, first in my heart and mind, and then with my total rejection of them as parents. I am so grateful that I had at my baptism at age 6, I received a Bible with pictures, especially a drawing of Jesus with the children. Jesus was both the spiritual parent who wanted me just as I was, but also, I internalized Jesus as part of myself. I sang "Jesus Loves Me," whenever I was afraid and alone. This was after the worst of the trauma/abuse had stopped, but the neglect/trauma had only just begun. The facts of Jesus are irrelevant to me. My survival as a person was that I could espouse the compassion of Jesus as this image, which I adopted as compassion for myself and also everyone. In wishing to save others from the effects of your PTSD, you demonstrate compassion only for others. If you think of yourself as a person separate from "you," that "person" deserves some consideration as well. She requires self-compassion, as does everyone, and also relationship: to love and be loved, for all one's foibles. Your darkness, your light, are all able to be loved and to generate real love.

When I see a parent or other caring adult relative shout out encouragement and cheer on a child, as though nothing could be more natural, I will cry every time. It totally bowls me over. Suddenly, I am weeping at the sight of what I was starving for now exhibited so abundantly in front of me. Seeing real love of parents and elders is so shocking to me. My supervisor and his wife took out a $54k loan so that one of their three sons could attend a private college and have his dream. They said they would take out any loan they could get for any of their kids to have their dreams, even though it has cost or totally delayed theirs. Again, shock! And so this is love.

I am so embarrassed when I cry in public; I try to hide it from view. It is such a mix of joy to see children treated with actual love and support that I want to see, yet it crushes something in me to think that I totally missed out on such joyful and tender love for one's kin or child. What love I got was conditional, passive, and furtive. Oh, how I wish I had someone to champion me! :cry: So, I have had to be my own cheerleader from day 1. And, I've not always done a good job. I have also been discouraging to my H's dreams in some ways, even as I did my best to do what I thought was helpful. It has taken me a long time to see the light. Now, I am working on being as encouraging to others as strongly as I was discouraged.

It is important for me to recognize this "Missing piece" to my experience. I became withdrawn, and so, less likely to encounter open acknowledgement, much less encouragement, from anyone. So now, I cherish the little acts of kindness and encouragement I received from one school administrator in Costa Rica when I was 12. Now I see this woman, the little school's principal, who read my little novella about a stowaway on a cargo boat on the Nile in Egypt, to the whole school and said what a talent I had. :happy: And later she said I could be a swimmer if I wanted to. Nobody had ever encouraged me before. So I still remember her words, and my grandmother's "you have a good heart" and hold them very close as to absorb every gram of warmth from them and let them be my guiding light. I hold close only the one Bible verse the principal taught us so that we would be comforted (as forlorn missionary children so far from home)
Psalm 121
King James Version

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep...


Whenever I envision the first line, I am fighting a loosing battle in the Valley of spiritual Death, and surrounded on all sides by troubles, old and new, my soul fighting for survival. This feeling is of fighting alone. The act of lifting up the eyes, searching for help to come, is the preeminent act of faith. The search for strength inside of self, and in supporter, alike is active faith.

Junebug, Your wanting to not expose others to the effects of your trauma is compassionate for them; what's missing is that compassion will not be bound up and selectively given out. You must first taste it and share it. Then, it will grow all around. :) I am telling this mostly to myself, and sharing it with you to see what you think. I am a novitiate in this.

((((BIG BEAR HUGS to my SWEET FRIEND JUNEBUG)))):hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Sweetest Muse, I think you are more of a 'Master' in this than you realize. :) You have a most beautiful heart, and attitude, and philosophy, and tenderness. :inlove: I so do understand, the connundrum or battle of feelings, in recognizing (and acknowledging) the loss associated with what didn't or does not exist, and what others (such as the children and families you describe) have.

I see, or believe, or know, you are right Muse, that 'love' encompasses 'all' as it were of a person. I guess I do have to learn self-compassion, rather than just trying to 'ignore' the thoughts.

I hope you are right, that I have more redeemable about myself than I logically feel. I have been told I have 'a good heart' or 'such a good heart' too. Come to think of it I guess I've always skimmed over that thought as not 'really' being true, if that makes sense?

I think that is a beautiful (and true), about your analogy of the scripture to the spiritual battle or wasteland, as it were. And feeling one is fighting alone, bereft of resources or the capabilities or strength required. I have not exactly felt like I've had the 'strength' to do it. Not as a lack of faith (or perhaps it is?), but just stripped of strength. I guess, well I know, I have relied on others strength or faith and hope.

I know (and am so glad) that you were able, in essence, to 'feel' you and 'God' as 'one'. :) I am a total Non-Believer in the concept of God as some horrible Being or Tyrant, as you said has so often been touted to people. I think people are judgmental (or can be) whereas God proactively wants people to heal and be happy- something constructive. Yikes I can't find the words.

I just (personally) feel better knowing if I am totally helpless or incapable or incompetent or alone, God IS safe and loving. I think when I feel otherwise, perhaps it's just a 'temptation', like SI. Maybe that is the heart of the matter.

And, to be honest, I really am tired of even thinking negatively of myself, I mean in wasting time thinking of it at all. Mind you, trust and trying to 'trust (think) differently' (of myself) is quite difficult. I have to trust other people are right about things I can't see or feel myself. Someone said something about past secrets or ways of thinking about ourselves can really skew our self-concept, or make us feel contagiously-bad for others. So I guess I forgot to go back to the "You (I) did nothing wrong", thing. It's sort of like 'forgetting'- still 'feeling' it as so but there not being the old reason to think so. :confused:

I loved your story of the Nile!! :) And do you swim? :) :hug:

We are not used to self-kindnesses.

Love and I love Bear Hugs Muse!!! :hug: ((((((((((((Sweet sweet Beautiful Muse))))))))))), gratitude to you and All -Whitney, Abstract, Mercy -for your Sweet Selves, XOX :notworthy: :) :inlove: :hug: .