How To Be Honest About Trauma Details?

[dylasd]

This is my first post here so I hope it's OK. I get kind of edgy about posting in case someone recognises me but it's probably relevant to say that I'm a 20something, been seeing my current therapist for about a year. I was sexually abused when I was a young child (under the age of 7). My memories are very fragmented and sensory (tactile, mostly) and I have flashbacks on a regular basis (normally several times a week). These are tactile and occasionally visual.

I've disclosed the abuse to my therapist and she's been really supportive and helpful, and she's witnessed several flashbacks so understands how distressing it is for me to experience. The problem I have is in disclosing actual details about what happened. I'm not totally sure how this forum handles trigger warnings but the next paragraph of this could be triggering for sexual abuse/assault survivors.

Essentially there are two main things that make me feel so disgusting and dirty about what happened. The first is my body responding to it with arousal-signs (getting 'wet' etc.). It feels just sickening and horrible, I hate the fact that it happens in response to something that was non-consensual, painful and when I was so young. The second is the fact that during the abuse (specifically when being penetrated and having pressure applied to my abdomen) some combination of pressure, fear and tension caused me to lose bladder control. During flashbacks I have the arousal response and it scares the shit out of me and triggers me to hyperventilate and panic because I don't understand what is happening and what my body is feeling. I'm also terrified every single time that I am going to urinate. In the more intense flashbacks that fear is of urinating on my abuser and being too scared to tell him to stop, and in the less intense ones where I still have an awareness of reality I am scared of it happening in the actual place where I am at the time (I have lost bladder control in a couple of flashbacks). The memories and flashbacks of arousal and lying in my own urine and just altogether having no control over my body are leading to serious suicidal thoughts and I don't know how to deal with it, which has made me realise that I need to talk about it in therapy.

I've tried to talk about this stuff several times and failed, so this week I emailed my therapist a word document detailing basically everything I've said here (with a bit more information that I'm not comfortable putting on a public forum). She's said that I can bring a friend with me into therapy, because I've already discussed this with that friend and having her there might make it easier to say.

But I'm really terrified that what I sent to my therapist might be really disgusting to her or that she'll realise that I can't be helped, or be scared of it being really disgusting if I lost bladder control during a flashback when she was there. It makes me feel so, so ashamed and humiliated and dirty and I'm scared of saying stuff and then regretting it when she is disgusted or realises she can't help me. Therapy feels like my only hope of getting better, and like I need to talk about the really hard stuff... but I just don't know how. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to make words come out when I have my therapy session, and I'm so scared about it.

 

[kahlan]

A good therapist isn't going to be disgusted or feel you are a hopeless case. It seems as if she's already helping you to find something to help make you feel more comfortable, with the suggestion of bringing someone you're already comfortable with. Try discussing your physical reactions with her so that you feel ok enough that she is going to be prepared if it happens and you have somewhat lessened anxiety over something that right now you don't have physical control over. Getting the right therapy can actually help you get better control over your reactions and therefor the symptoms that go along with it.

As a non sufferer here I know I can't fully grasp what you're going through, but having had a fair amount of therapy, I can definitely understand the wondering if what I'm saying is making the T. feel that I'm some sort of freak.

You aren't hopeless! You've just been through more than most people could fathom and need some extra help to make yourself better :)

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I have had these same feelings.

All of what you have posted is a normal reaction for someone who has gone through what you have experienced. I think you'll find that is true the more time you spend researching PTSD, molestation and following this forum. It is important for you to feel comfortable about sharing your history as much as it is for you to explore it in order to heal yourself. You don't need to share anything you're uncomfortable with until you are ready.

Your post feels reads like a confession but you have nothing to confess. You were a victim. And as confusing as it is, you are not at fault for any of the feelings and bodily responses you experienced and continue to experience.

 

[katelynmarie]

I'm going though the same problems. I hate my flash backs I cant go to counseling any more they said I'm a worthless case. I hate talking to people about my feelings everything I say they seem to take the wrong way. I was 8 when it happen to me. My dad did it to me. I tried to commit suicide so many times they even put me in a instution.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

they said im a worthless case

Wow! Get a new therapist. Keep looking until you find one you can trust. That's a horrible person that says that to you and doesn't try to help you find someone who can help you.

My first therapist fell off his seat when I told him what happened to me. I dropped him and it took me 16 years before I found the courage to find a new one that I felt I could confide in. In the meantime I stopped treatment and got worse. I realize now he was just a bad therapist. Keep trying--a good therapist can make a world of difference!

 

[LisawithPTSD]

The therapists at Intensive Trauma Therapy (ITT) helped me a great deal. They treat people on a weekly outpatient basis. Its pricey but worth it.

 

[WillyKat]

I agree with other posters that your therapist must be someone you can trust with any and every detail. A good therapist would not be disgusted at anything that happens during therapy. Their job; what you are paying them for, is to help you, not judge you. It's fine if you wrote your therapist; anything that makes you more comfortable is OK. I also agree that you must banish the thought that this is a 'confession'. Even 'disclosed' is a little too much in that direction. A better, healthier way to put it is that you said the truth of what happened *to* you.

Also, if you're using an ID on this forum that no one would associate with your real name, then you can be confident what you say here can't be linked to your real identity, so long as you don't divulge other details that some jerk could piece together. In other words, yes, non-members can see posts and even find stuff on google, but if you never mention city, school, workplace names, etc., you should be fine.

In my first round of therapy about 18 years ago, the first things I learned was that I did not in any way participate in my abuse. Freezing / dissociating during the episode is *not* participation and is a *normal* survival mechanism. He abused trust and manipulated me into a vulnerable position. That applies to you too; this was something done *to* you, not something you did with the abuser. You were a victim and now the hard part is to become a survivor.

You're in a stage that all of us went through early in therapy. It sucks you have to go through it, but it is a normal part of the process.

I know its easier said than done, but those feelings of being somehow unclean...those are the abuser's narrative still rattling around in your head. That's the concept that you participated is the abuser speaking in your head and that's what has to be squished. What they did to you is disgusting and evil; how you react to it is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. Your therapist *must* be working on that with you and so will us on this forum.

Welcome!

 

[dylasd]

All of what you have posted is a normal reaction for someone who has gone through what you have experienced. I think you'll find that is true the more time you spend researching PTSD, molestation and following this forum. It is important for you to feel comfortable about sharing your history as much as it is for you to explore it in order to heal yourself. You don't need to share anything you're uncomfortable with until you are ready.

Your post feels reads like a confession but you have nothing to confess. You were a victim. And as confusing as it is, you are not at fault for any of the feelings and bodily responses you experienced and continue to experience.

Thanks for the reply. I'm just not really sure where to direct my anger other than myself, when all of the things which bother me about my abuse were a result of my own body, rather than something that the abuser did. So I guess I get a lot of self-hatred, because it seems like the most disgusting parts of what happened happened because of my body.

I'm not sure that I'd ever be comfortable discussing this stuff... but if I don't discuss it I think I will act on suicide plan at some point in the near future, so talking about it feels like the only option for survival.

I'm going though the same problems. I hate my flash backs I cant go to counseling any more they said im a worthless case. I hate talking to people about my feelings everything I say they seem to take the wrong way. I was 8 when it happen to me. my dad did it to me. I tried to commit suicide so many times they even put me in a instution.

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. I hope that at some point you can find a good therapist who will help you with these things, because if your previous therapist told you that then they were NOT any good at their job.

A good therapist isn't going to be disgusted or feel you are a hopeless case. It seems as if she's already helping you to find something to help make you feel more comfortable, with the suggestion of bringing someone you're already comfortable with. Try discussing your physical reactions with her so that you feel ok enough that she is going to be prepared if it happens and you have somewhat lessened anxiety over something that right now you don't have physical control over. Getting the right therapy can actually help you get better control over your reactions and therefor the symptoms that go along with it.

Thanks a lot for the reply. I appreciate knowing that people aren't really weirded out or disgusted by loss of control over bodily functions. Makes me feel less like my therapist will act like that.

 

[kahlan]

As great as therapy can be getting the wrong T. can cause even more trouble than not going! Finding the right one for you can be a rough road but don't give up! Look for therapists that specialize in what you're dealing with. Telling a client/patient they're hopeless is horrible and they should have their liscence pulled >:( in my humble little opinion. What should have happened is they admit they don't have the tools to help you and refer you to someone more qualified to your case!

Angry rant out of the way, to the original poster, its ok to set boundaries with your therapist in order to build some trust there. If you're not ready to go all the way into your issues, go as far as you can, then maybe a little further the next time. You know your limits. Its ok to take small steps sometimes because even if its small its still moving forward.

 

[dylasd]

I agree with other posters that your therapist must be someone you can trust with any and every detail. A good therapist would not be disgusted at anything that happens during therapy. Their job; what you are paying them for, is to help you, not judge you. It's fine if you wrote your therapist; anything that makes you more comfortable is OK. I also agree that you must banish the thought that this is a 'confession'. Even 'disclosed' is a little too much in that direction. A better, healthier way to put it is that you said the truth of what happened *to* you.

Also, if you're using an ID on this forum that no one would associate with your real name, then you can be confident what you say here can't be linked to your real identity, so long as you don't divulge other details that some jerk could piece together. In other words, yes, non-members can see posts and even find stuff on google, but if you never mention city, school, workplace names, etc., you should be fine.

Thanks - I guess it's generally really taboo to talk about incontinence and stuff and even though it hasn't happened often it really feels like too much to ask my therapist to accept the possibility that it could happen when she's there.

Yeah, I'm trying to remember that about anonymity. I guess if I'm talking about this stuff in therapy this week and to my best friend, those two people would be able to recognise this as me. But it wouldn't matter if they did because I'm talking to them about it anyway. So should be OK.

Thanks for the welcome. It makes me feel a bit more normal to know that other people have experienced this conflict as well...

 

[WillyKat]

It's not too much to ask of your therapist. It's not taboo; nothing is. If it were me, and it isn't, I would talk about it with my therapist. Why? Because it is a symptom of the abuse and your therapist, if s/he is like mine, may have just the right words for the situation.

Also remember that therapists have had a lot of training, they talk amongst themselves (but maintain client confidentiality), and read research papers and books. They have probably seen similar / same things before or at least heard about it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The therapists at Intensive Trauma Therapy (ITT) helped me a great deal. They treat people on a weekly outpatient basis.

Yay! Another person who went to Morgantown! There are four of us here on the forum ( on and off)