Relationship My Anxiety Keeps Building

[kacee129]

Hi all. I'm back again. I thought today would be a better day but I woke up having anxiety. It didn't help that I adopted a rescue Scottish Terrier last nite that only has one eye and had been neglected for years. I thought maybe it would help to get my mind off my sufferer. Now I'm worried about both!

My boyfriend was at the VA last week and they think he may have a disease that causes liver damage. He was sent home to take a 24 hour urine test. Which of course he has not done! He was looking over his blood test results a bit ago and asked what some of the abreviations stood for. I thought it would be a good time to tell him that I thought it would be in his best interests to do the urine test because his liver enzymes are already elevated. He emphatically said "I'm not going to the VA ever again. If I was 30 years old it would be a different story, but I'm 64 and don't care if I die". I wanted to say "are you spiting me or yourself?" But I kept my mouth shut. I KNOW I can not force him. And of course I'm blaming myself saying if I hadn't gotten in an argument with him last Friday he would have followed through. I don't know that for sure...it's just what I'm thinking.
How do I shake this guilt and anxiety?

 

[Snowangel1225]

You need to realize that you are not responsible for him. It is his choice if he chooses treatment or not and nothing you do or say can change that. Not only do you have no right to try and control him, but you can't do it. The only person you can control is yourself. You can let him know that you care about him and wish he would take care of himself, but then leave the decision up to him. Then keep reminding yourself that he is in charge of his life, not you.

 

[kacee129]

Thank you - I do know that but it is so hard to watch someone self destruct. We will be going our separate ways soon and that will help me come to terms at lot easier, I think. Maybe him as well. Again Thank You.
I am going to try to repeat to myself hourly "he is in charge of his life, not me"

 

[Snowangel1225]

it is so hard to watch someone self destruct.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to step back and let them deal with their problems on their own. A lot of time, in our efforts to help, we are actually enabling them to continue with their dysfunctional behavior.

I recently had to make the same decision when my PTSD bf started drinking again. My first instinct was to try and 'fix' the situation by being with him at all times so he couldn't drink without my knowledge. That was my old co-dependence kicking in, but after posting it on here and talking with a good friend of mine, I settled down and realized I was powerless to stop him from drinking if that was his choice. I did, however, make it clear to him that I would not accept him lying to me and that I would not stand by and watch him self-destruct. If he was going to do that, I was walking away for my own good and he would have to do it on his own.