Snowangel1225
Silver Member
I guess I am going to be one of "those people". You know, the ones who proclaim their love at the beginning and vow to stand by their partner through anything and then turn around and bail.
When L and I met 4 months ago, it was an instant connection. We were nearly inseparable and spent hours and hours talking about everything. Lots of good stuff and lots of laughing, but also lots of serious conversations too. How we had both been molested as children, our histories of depression and alcohol abuse, my issues with abandonment, his with needing to not feel controlled. For three months we met each others needs easily and all was wonderful. We made lots of plans for the future...solid plans, not just fantasy plans. I honestly thought I had found my soul mate (as corny as that sounds).
He has some legal issues going on right now and I stood by his side through it all, offered whatever support he needed...never wavered even though all of it stems from events from before we met.
Then suddenly a little over 3 weeks ago, something changed. He started isolating and right around that time admitted that he had done some drinking (just 4 beers according to him). As the days and weeks went on, he got more and more distant...coming up with excuses why he couldn't see me, not answering texts, etc. I recognized it as isolating and followed the advice on here...give them space, touch base once in awhile and let them know you are there when they are ready, etc. I would send one text message a day. Sometimes he would answer, oftentimes he wouldn't. I wouldn't go to his apartment because I didn't want to make him feel confronted. I just sat back and waited, hoped and tried to keep myself busy.
Finally last night he sent me a couple of fairly long texts that were upbeat and offered plans to get together today. Telling me about how short handed they were are work, what long hours he had been putting in and how he didn't get off work until 8pm that night. Problem was, I knew he was lying. I had an appointment in the town he lives and saw him at 5pm. I wasn't checking up on him, but I saw him drive by leaving work. I told him I knew he wasn't telling the truth and reminded him that the only thing I had ever asked from him is not to lie to me. He got angry and defensive accusing me of stalking him and telling me that he didn't want to see me this weekend because "apparently I had seen enough of him already".
So, here I am. He crossed a boundary that I had set at the beginning of the relationship. His isolating, avoidance and ignoring me has put me in a state of anxiousness and feeling unworthy. With my history of depression, I am recognizing the signs that I am heading in that direction again and I need to do something for my own well being. He refuses to go on any medication because he doesn't want to be "drugged up" and considers it to be a sign of weakness. He feels the same about therapy. I don't see how things can improve if he refuses to seek help...and even if they do for awhile, it won't last before something else triggers him and we are right back where we are now. As much as I care about this man and think he is the most amazing, wonderful person I have ever met, I don't think I can do this much longer. The price is too high.
While writing this, he did respond to a text I sent him. Yes, it was an ultimatum text saying we needed to talk and figure things out or I was going to have to be done. I know you're not supposed to back them into a corner like that, but dammit, I am tired of tippy-toeing around his needs and ignoring my own. He says he cares but he is freaking out about some stuff and will come over tomorrow to talk. Progress? Maybe. But since he only lives 20 miles away from me, it makes me wonder why not today? So I am left with another night of sitting here alone and wondering what is going to happen, what is he going to say, and can I even trust what he is saying since I know he has lied to me already? I hate this.
When L and I met 4 months ago, it was an instant connection. We were nearly inseparable and spent hours and hours talking about everything. Lots of good stuff and lots of laughing, but also lots of serious conversations too. How we had both been molested as children, our histories of depression and alcohol abuse, my issues with abandonment, his with needing to not feel controlled. For three months we met each others needs easily and all was wonderful. We made lots of plans for the future...solid plans, not just fantasy plans. I honestly thought I had found my soul mate (as corny as that sounds).
He has some legal issues going on right now and I stood by his side through it all, offered whatever support he needed...never wavered even though all of it stems from events from before we met.
Then suddenly a little over 3 weeks ago, something changed. He started isolating and right around that time admitted that he had done some drinking (just 4 beers according to him). As the days and weeks went on, he got more and more distant...coming up with excuses why he couldn't see me, not answering texts, etc. I recognized it as isolating and followed the advice on here...give them space, touch base once in awhile and let them know you are there when they are ready, etc. I would send one text message a day. Sometimes he would answer, oftentimes he wouldn't. I wouldn't go to his apartment because I didn't want to make him feel confronted. I just sat back and waited, hoped and tried to keep myself busy.
Finally last night he sent me a couple of fairly long texts that were upbeat and offered plans to get together today. Telling me about how short handed they were are work, what long hours he had been putting in and how he didn't get off work until 8pm that night. Problem was, I knew he was lying. I had an appointment in the town he lives and saw him at 5pm. I wasn't checking up on him, but I saw him drive by leaving work. I told him I knew he wasn't telling the truth and reminded him that the only thing I had ever asked from him is not to lie to me. He got angry and defensive accusing me of stalking him and telling me that he didn't want to see me this weekend because "apparently I had seen enough of him already".
So, here I am. He crossed a boundary that I had set at the beginning of the relationship. His isolating, avoidance and ignoring me has put me in a state of anxiousness and feeling unworthy. With my history of depression, I am recognizing the signs that I am heading in that direction again and I need to do something for my own well being. He refuses to go on any medication because he doesn't want to be "drugged up" and considers it to be a sign of weakness. He feels the same about therapy. I don't see how things can improve if he refuses to seek help...and even if they do for awhile, it won't last before something else triggers him and we are right back where we are now. As much as I care about this man and think he is the most amazing, wonderful person I have ever met, I don't think I can do this much longer. The price is too high.
While writing this, he did respond to a text I sent him. Yes, it was an ultimatum text saying we needed to talk and figure things out or I was going to have to be done. I know you're not supposed to back them into a corner like that, but dammit, I am tired of tippy-toeing around his needs and ignoring my own. He says he cares but he is freaking out about some stuff and will come over tomorrow to talk. Progress? Maybe. But since he only lives 20 miles away from me, it makes me wonder why not today? So I am left with another night of sitting here alone and wondering what is going to happen, what is he going to say, and can I even trust what he is saying since I know he has lied to me already? I hate this.
