Is Simply Still Being Alive The Same As Surviving?

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

the very few times I chatted with therapist regarding my ptsd this year, she would give me nearly the exact same response to soothe. I am using the word soothe because as little as I recognized or truly felt it, the sheer STING of observing myself as a dead person for most or all of the past 8-10 years was what I was presenting in the conversations.

She would tell me- you survived and therefore you are here. What made you that way (dead) is the same what saved you from death. It gradually became an invitation to love myself, to feel thankful that I did what I did and became how I became. She was really skilled at this. It made me able to look at the flawed self and see the flaws accurately as the redeeming qualities. Without them I would be gone. What I feel- I'm not alive, I haven't survived yet, but I would be gone if not for that. For a very long time it felt like there just was no self. I wasn't even there. I was just watching me do my life, mind haunted by a dream that was apparently over but still inside. It took so many years to finally look at that me and see it as a corpse that had refused to give up for good.



So the reason I am telling you this is the intrigue of your question. Still being alive, vs the term survive. I feel like I haven't yet begun to be alive. It's the goal I am gazing toward. It's what I hope I can do in spite of all death that I have contained and been contained by. To Live... And will I then feel that I finally survived?

 

[DMerish]

Hi Digger1,

As words go, I think the common definition of "survived" means that someone's body continued to live despite something that happened to it. My definition of "survive" is similar.

My definition of "simply still being alive" includes the body's survival (it is a living/breathing organism that eats food and defecates) but the person's Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) are compromised. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Activities_of_daily_living

I'm not a psychologist or a linguist, but I think becoming confused about the meaning of certain words by people with PTSD is common. I have noticed in myself (and I've heard others with PTSD) do it also. I think it has something to do with our brain's attempt to find meaning in the traumatic event(s) that happened, and thus understand the effect the trauma caused, learn how to manage our symptoms and define, for ourselves, what living a fulfilling life would mean (i.e. look like) and what steps we need to take in that direction.

I think, if you explore the meaning of these words with your therapist, that it can help you to be able to distinguish between surviving, simply being alive, and that defining what it would mean for you to thrive. Most people think in words (rather than pictures) and I think that learning the verbal meaning of words in one's self can have a powerful effect on our emotions and our ability to heal.

Just my $0.02

:hug:
Drew

 

[therisa]

Digger, I understand, as I have found myself, in a similar situation, with my last therapist (who has retired), during some very violent flashbacks, involving my brother and schoolyard bullies. And like you, I don't feel like I have survived, merely going through the motions. To me, surviving means, being to walk away, from these experiences, having conquered them.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Digger,

'You survived = You are fine now', which clearly I'm not

Do you think you could be finding it invalidating at some level? Personally one of the potential problems with PTSD is that we are still reliving the trauma. It therefore doesn't feel like it is in the past. It is of course in some ways but in our bodies and minds it isn't.

She is helping to remind the body and brain that it doesn't have to continue to live in the past as the present but maybe something in you is feeling misunderstood by the term as to you you are still in it.

If I am understanding correctly you also feel torn apart in a sense that isn't about the logical description of continued life. I think we can feel destroyed in a sense where life feels irrelevant as a concept.

 

[digger]

Do you think you could be finding it invalidating at some level?

Possibly, I'm not sure. I am pretty sure that's not her intention but I don't know if I'm maybe feeling that on some level. I think it's probably more to do with the feeling misunderstood, but it's not quite that either. Perhaps just feeling like we're not quite on the same page. Most of the time she seems fairly good at picking up up where I'm at with things even if I'm only able to give a very minimal contribution to that, so maybe when she doesn't it makes me feel less sure of her - Not her fault, given my limited communication most of the time it would be unreasonable to expect or hope that she's always going to get it right.

 

[digger]

Thanks for replies - helps that other people 'get' it

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Perhaps tell her. No matter the reason behind it, it could be something your mind gets stuck on because it feels safe to simply observe right now? I don't know if that makes sense.

What do you feel about your experience currently?

 

[digger]

it feels safe to simply observe right now?

I'm not sure I understand that, sorry. Observe what?

What do you feel about your experience currently?

My experience of counselling, or other experiences?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Observe as in 'what and why' or finding meaning in the present.

And the experiences which brought you to counseling.

 

[digger]

Ah ok, I'm with you now. Will come back to you on that in a bit when I've given it some thought.

 

[digger]

What do you feel about your experience currently?

Actually, sorry, I don't think I am going to be able to answer that at the moment, my head is just going into shutdown mode even only thinking about what I feel about it. But that in itself may give you something of an idea how I feel about it. I don't know.

 

[franciemarnie]

Is it that you feel more like an empty shell and not whole anymore?

There is a theory that parts of ourselves flee to escape the trauma and we go on, but as less and less ourselves.

I went to a shaman for this. I don't know if it worked in a metaphorical and ritualistic sense only, or if parts were brought back literally, but I feel better.